Astro,
Thank you so very much. My Dad quit drinking when I was 5 and started again when I was 18. During those 13 years, I had the best father anyone could ever want. He was my hero. He was always open with us about his alcoholism and the bad decisions he had made... but he was so optimistic and inspiring. He told me there is nothing you cannot do if you set your mind to it. He drove me to school every day while listening to self help tapes. We would discuss the concepts of self improvement and introspection... No one influenced me more than my Dad. Every single success I have ever achieved is because of his influence during this time.
But then, he lost his business in 1998 when I was 18... and he has never recovered. He started drinking again... and he got the biggest chip on his shoulder I've ever seen. He became bitter and indifferent toward everything. There is such a distance between us now. I don’t even feel like we know each other.
When I was in college, my sister moved in with me basically because I was trying “help” her. She was on drugs and an alcoholic. One night she was threatening to kill herself and then she tried to drive off drunk. She almost ran over one of our friends who tried to stop her from driving. I called my parents for help. I had a test the next day and I couldn’t deal with this by myself anymore. You know how my Dad reacted when he arrived? He said it was my fault that she was like this. That I pushed her to do drugs because I was always trying to push her into being like me instead of letting her be herself. My mother, the BIGGEST enabler I have ever heard about, told me just to go study at the library and they’d handle my sister. Ha! They were the ones who let her quit school at 17 and knowing full well she had drug problems encouraged her to move in with me 3 hours away from them while I was in college. I was dealing with her the best I could while trying to make good grades and hold down a job… I was only 20.
It’s sad because my kids may never know the Dad that raised me. He seems so uninterested in them. I think shame and guilt also makes him isolate himself…
Whew! I guess I have a lot of pent up anger over that. Over my old Dad, the sober one, abandoning me. The person who has occupied his body for the past 11 years is unrecognizable to me. I am no where near a place of understanding of myself or this disease… even though I have studied both my whole life. I feel so confused.
It’s funny I guess just now I realized something. I always thought my Dad used to be the biggest influence on my life until he started drinking again. Just right now, I realize he still influences me but not in the same way as before. The pain I feel just talking about this is so strong… I know it’s all related to how strongly I hate myself for drinking like him. I continue to be just like him.