First of all LBW, welcome to SR. I'm glad you've decided to post here for support and to reach out for help. I think it's pretty rare for us to pass judgement on one another in recovery, we've all got our own wreckage of the past that brings and binds us together.
The past is the past, you can't change what's already happened, but you can change your thinking and correct your actions in the future. I wasn't sure how to respond to this thread, my spouse stopped drinking when she became pregnant and stayed sober throughout her pregnancies so our kids were born clean and healthy. No worries, right? But (and there's always a but in the stories of this alcoholic)......
As my kids were growing I was the alcoholic nightmare in the home. I put on a facade of the perfect father and husband, getting up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes, I wanted everyone to think I was Mr. Wonderful. But behind closed doors I was shaking them and slapping my hand over their mouths when they cried and fussed, I couldn't stand that sound that grated on my nerves when I was hungover. Sometimes our playtime would be too rough, they both had their noses broken when I'd spin them around and make them dizzy, then they'd run face-first into a wall. I dropped my son on his face (drunk of course) and split his lip and chin open.
I've got a lot of stories like that. Some father, huh?
But the people in my life and recovery that've known me for awhile also know that my children are the greatest gifts I have in my life, and we have a very close and loving relationship. For the past 4 1/2 years they've stuck by me and supported me in my journey in recovery with the help of AA and these forums. It's nothing short of a miracle.
Nothing is irrepairable in some way. I couldn't save my marriage but by staying sober and working a program of recovery, I was able to build a new life with my children, we've got a new home and we're strengthening together as a new family. Honestly, I wouldn't take that old life back for anything.
This is an opportunity for you to stop for good, you can decide that this will be your bottom and focus on a plan of recovery for the future. I hope you'll stick around and continue to share.