So when he throws his fit--just remember it is his disease talking. And it will say ANYTHING to survive.
This is so true. I used to visualize this when I spoke to my ex. The disease will say anything and do anything to feed itself. It's kind of like that movie "Alien" or a zombie flick or something. Protect yourself from the drug zombie. Sometimes they are scary violent and sometimes they act sane. But they aren't.
That's why this is so scarey:
He came by the house and banged on the doors and screamed for awhile. Our 5 year old was pretty scared and upset but I turned off all the lights and took the kids upstairs with a book and pretty soon AH drove away.
Please don't rule out calling the police if this happens again. Tell the police he is on drugs he is violent and you are concerned for your safety and the safety of your child.
I'm still resolute even though the feelings of missing his presence...
You are missing what his presence represents to you. You are missing the illusion of what it should be. Not what it really was.
Keep posting and reading. You are doing the right thing. Hugs to you and your five year old. She is very brave.