Am I doing it for the right reasons?

Old 10-13-2009, 06:52 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mama22Boys View Post
He texted me "sure is cold out here in the car." To which I laughed to myself because its 47 degrees, not 32.

I KNOW where that money would have gone...not to mention each time we have discussed him leaving it's always "give me $400 for one night" so I can "eat" and "get a room".

find another option because he KNOWS there are options out there that don't involve sleeping in the car and I am telling myself HE is being stubborn and if he is suffering out there, well that is his own fault.
Ok--nothing wrong with what you did. Putting him out without any money is not mean. He has friends doesn't he? He can borrow from them if he is truly cold in the car. There are shelters. One night on a buddy's couch or in a shelter or even in the car won't kill him.

He had money for drugs.

They never seem to have money for things that aren't related to drugs.

But yet there always seems to be money for what they want, drugs.

If a motel room is really what he wants, he will get it.

If he is uncomfortable, truly uncomfortable in the car, he won't stay in the car. There is ALWAYS some unwitting friend that puts them up for a night.

Do you have proof he is even in the car? He could be sitting in someone's living room texting you. Unless you see him sitting in the car, it could be an act of making you feel guilty to let him come home.

You have taken a stand against the mighty disease. Remember, it will fight you, it will make you feel guilty, it will do whatever it takes in order to remain.

So when he throws his fit--just remember it is his disease talking. And it will say ANYTHING to survive.

You deserve a break. You have been putting up with this for four or five months, and how many years. Taking a one night break is not going to kill him. It's being honest with yourself and saying, tonight the kids and I need a break.

If you want you can tell him to come home tomorrow. Or if you don't want to you can tell him to stay away again.

I have been through this scenario for eight years. It is always a little scary for us, though trust me not for them. They get mad because you dared to take a stand. Their disease throws a fit, but that's about all it does.

Even if you find that you put him out for the wrong reasons, so what? It only has to be for one night if you want. You can make the choice whether it is to be for longer or not.

Don't feel guilty for taking a little time off. Don't over analyze it. Tonight you needed a break. Tomorrow you might feel stronger to decide which way you want to go, if you want to go at all.

You are doing good. Every stand we take and say enough! is a step forward in the right direction. Think of it this way, you didn't tell him you needed a break, you told his disease. AND YOU DESERVE IT.
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Old 10-13-2009, 06:57 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Learn2Live:

I love your post! Thank you so much! I am planning on saving it so that I can refer back to it when my AAH starts the crazy making! Big thanks again!!
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:09 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks again! Yeah, the reality is my AH actually does NOT have any "friends". He is pretty anti-social and he is not from the state we live in (I am) and when we moved here he never wanted or tried to make friends. Regardless, you are right, he could and would find a place to stay if he wanted to.

He came by the house and banged on the doors and screamed for awhile. Our 5 year old was pretty scared and upset but I turned off all the lights and took the kids upstairs with a book and pretty soon AH drove away.

I'm still resolute even though the feelings of missing his presence...and that always is the hardest the first week so I know it will be better soon.

Thanks again friends!
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:48 AM
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MAMA you are so very much doing the right thing. You are making the best decisions for your ENTIRE family, INCLUDING your husband. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't let ANYONE cause you to second-guess yourself on these decisions, please. And at least for now, remove from your life anyone who causes you to doubt or second-guess the healthy decisions you are making for your family. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

You are a VERY obviously a capable and intelligent woman who has GIVEN BIRTH to children--an absolutely amazing feat that requires COURAGE, PERSISTENCE, and SELF-SACRIFICE. I truly respect and honor you in many ways as a mother.

The fact that your husband CHOSE to move halfway across the World, make no friends, and be anti-social is HIS issue. Don't make excuses for HIM and HIS continuing to participate in immorality and very bad behavior by feeling sorry for him please.

Of course he found a place to sleep. You feel sorry for him because he has to sleep in his CAR? Google "Homeless Children" and see where THEY have to sleep. And don't stick to American homeless children, include the children in countries less fortunate than ours, who sleep in SEWERS underneath city streets and the children who search municipal garbage dumps all day looking for scraps of food to eat.

But please don't cry and start feeling sorry for them (I know, it's hard not to); just COMPARE what this GROWN man DOES have and all the luxuries afforded to him with the REALITY these CHILDREN are FORCED to face by no choice of their own, and you will immediately stop having sympathy or making excuses for him.

He came by the house and banged on the doors and screamed for awhile. Our 5 year old was pretty scared and upset but I turned off all the lights and took the kids upstairs with a book and pretty soon AH drove away.
You are a good Mommy. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:22 AM
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Mama...
You're doing so well in enforcing those boundaries and putting your needs and your kids needs first. I know its not easy but your making a new, peaceful life for yourself one step at a time. The steps get easier as you go.

I know the hate your AH spews must hurt. My exh's words always seemed to send me reeling in the beginning. This is, after all, the man you fell in love with (or at least he LOOKS like the person you fell in love with) and sometimes its hard to remember how much you have both changed as a result of his addiction. Deep down I believe he knows why you are doing this and he respects you for it even though he's going to quack and say the opposite in order to maintain his lifestyle. My exah would tell me how much he hated me...how selfish I was...how I wasn't supportive enough. He would throw our marriage vows in my face and make me feel guilty and doubt myself. But I stuck to my guns and after my exah got some clean time under his belt, he told me that he would have continued doing what he was doing as long as I allowed him to do it. He admits that as much as he hated me at the time, he knew I did the right thing even as he spewed his venom at me. Even though I didn't need this validation from him at the time he offered it, I have to admit that it meant alot to me to hear him admit it.

My point, I guess, is that you aren't just doing this for yourself . If taking this step helps your ah hit his 'bottom' sooner, than your actually doing him a favor in the long run. He's where he is as a result of HIS actions. Not yours.

The very life your saving could be his. Just remember that when he quacks at you, screams and yells and does whatever he might do to try and get you to bend on your new boundaries. And if this isn't his 'bottom', your so much better off not being there to witness it personally when it does come.

You're a great mom. You're a strong woman. Your kids are so blessed to have one rational, reasonable parent in their corner.

Hugs and admiration to you.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:47 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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So when he throws his fit--just remember it is his disease talking. And it will say ANYTHING to survive.
This is so true. I used to visualize this when I spoke to my ex. The disease will say anything and do anything to feed itself. It's kind of like that movie "Alien" or a zombie flick or something. Protect yourself from the drug zombie. Sometimes they are scary violent and sometimes they act sane. But they aren't.

That's why this is so scarey:

He came by the house and banged on the doors and screamed for awhile. Our 5 year old was pretty scared and upset but I turned off all the lights and took the kids upstairs with a book and pretty soon AH drove away.
Please don't rule out calling the police if this happens again. Tell the police he is on drugs he is violent and you are concerned for your safety and the safety of your child.

I'm still resolute even though the feelings of missing his presence...
You are missing what his presence represents to you. You are missing the illusion of what it should be. Not what it really was.

Keep posting and reading. You are doing the right thing. Hugs to you and your five year old. She is very brave.
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