LBW, I feel your pain. You are not a bad person. You are a sick person.
There are a lot of similiarities between your story and mine. My parents are alcoholics, and I am the high acheiver kid in the family. I have two kids. I finally scared myself sober 6 years ago. Life is good without alcohol. I am a much better mother.
Why not get help? You are risking losing your kids if you don't stay stopped. Maybe you don't need help, but the stakes are awfully high.
Keep posting. Stay stopped.