LBW

I need to confess the worst thing I have ever done, which happens to be a few days ago. First, I want to confess a little background into the events that got me to this point.

In college I binge drank on weekends with all my friends. It was SO much fun! I wasn’t too worried about myself because I still made good grades and held down a job… Plus, I wasn’t drinking any more or less than anyone else I knew.

After college I started to struggle. I gradually started drinking about every other night. When it became difficult to find people to go out with me this frequently, I started drinking by myself at home. I still held down a job and was a high achiever at work. I hated myself though. I was powerless to stop and I knew it. I’d get bombed one night, have hangover the next day and not drink, get bombed, have hangover… etc. I also had some incidences were I embarrassed myself horribly. I get really happy and social when I drink. Drinking at home by myself I would drunk-call friends and family. I was not in denial whatsoever. I was an alcoholic. This period of my life lasted for 5 years.

After I tried and failed to quit, I got pregnant. I stopped immediately smoking and drinking. When my son was born, I never started smoking again but drinking was a problem again. I wanted to do it differently though. I thought I could control it. I tried to limit myself to drinking 1 night a week only. I started running with a group and eating healthy in order to manage this. I was proud of myself… but I still had a problem and it was hard to deny. I would still embarrass myself because of my drinking. Weddings were the worst. The feelings of guilt and shame were unbearable. The problem was that I loved feeling happy and carefree when I drank, but I hated that I couldn’t control myself. There’s a country song that applies to me, “If I have one, then I’ll have 13….” It's so true. When other people around me drink, I see them just relaxing having a good time. I, on the other hand, turn into a crazed monster... I down drinks fast and only start relaxing when I start feeling drunk. Then, I usually blackout and do embarrassing things. Eventually, the 1 night a week turned into 2 nights... I knew where this was going... I did not want to return to the every other night thing. My poor son deserved better than this.

So I got pregnant again. I think deep down I was thinking that last time I was pregnant I quit smoking for good…. This pregnancy I can do the same thing with drinking. So I’ll quit drinking for the pregnancy and I’ll have 9 months to think about how to not start drinking again after. First trimester was NOT hard to NOT drink because I was so sick. Now that I’m in the second trimester, I don't have any pregnancy sickness. I have started to think about drinking again. Like maybe I can handle it after I’m no longer pregnant. Like I can’t wait until I can drink again. I would imagine fun times I could have while drinking when I’m not pregnant. I could have drinking barbeques in the backyard. I could throw drinking dinner parties. I knew that if I ever was going to quit for life, this was the best time to do it… but I wasn’t sure anymore I wanted to. I prayed for guidance.

And I got it this weekend. I am 17 weeks pregnant right now. My husband was drinking beer while watching football. I was having a great day. I was happy. I figured I could drink 1, maybe 2, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, those European women drink wine while prego, right? The problem is if I have 1, then I have 13. I am powerless when I have even one sip… even when I have a supreme reason to have power over this. I think I intentially did not consider that when I decided to drink. What did I do? I got my unborn baby drunk. I think I had 10 but I'm not quite sure because I was hiding the evidence of how many I drank from my husband. To make matter worse, I drunk called my grandmother and another friend. My grandmother called my mother… my mother calls me and knew instantly how drunk I was.

So here I am. I am disgusted with myself. I feel like the MOST horrible person in the world right now. I have never drank while pregnant before and I will never again, but none of that matters anymore because I did this time. I hope I didn't damage this baby.

I have no idea how to address this with my mom and my grandmother.
My Dad and sister are major alcoholics who get drunk everyday, get DWI's, have trouble with jobs, etc. I know my mom and grandparents knew I had also had issues with it… but I’ve always been the responsible high achiever of the family and no one ever talks to me about me having a problem... Compared to my dad and sister, I don’t think they worried about me as much. This always feels so isolating... because I know I'm an alcoholic, but I don't tell anyone other than my husband because I don't want to worry them. They worry so much about my dad and sister... always putting out fires. My mom always says, "Thank God, I have one functioning daughter".

I have decided this though: This humiliating and disgusting incident was sent to me by God. I feel SO VERY guilty and shameful that I got drunk when I as 17 weeks pregnant. This is by far the worse thing I have ever done. I think God knew I needed this to push me over the edge. My desire to never drink again has never been so strong. I must be determined and I must put the whole force of myself toward the goal of never drinking again.