Yea..It def doesnt get better. I know it never did for me.
And the more I screwed up the more got the F it attitude.
Not a good thing.
But it is good that you are acknowledging your responsibility in it. And are willing to make efforts toward reaching out f2f.
I refer to alot of threads of mine. Especially when I first joined here. Iw as a heaping hot mess. I am just horrified at some of my posts back then. Def a great reminder.
I use to have a list hung on my wall right in front of my computer. The good and bad things about using.
I had to look at it everytime I sat at my desk.
I hope you find the support you need. And keep tyring no matter what.