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Old 10-13-2009, 08:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Yet again


Every time i 'relapse' it just gets worse, I drink more, longer, and the withdraws are worse every time too....

I actually am hesitant to call it a relapse because it's a choice I made. I chose to drink again..and now I'm going to choose not to drink any more.

I guess I'm starting this thread so I can have maybe a little bit of accountability to myself.

This last little bender really kicked me good...I was totally shocked to find out it was Tuesday today.., I thought it was Saturday. The last week has been a total blurr...Not fun.

Only been 13 hours for me now, so I'm sure you all know the drill I'm going through here, been puking all day, I don't know where all that crap is coming from down there, cuz I haven't eaten since Saturday.....

I'm hoping I can come back and read this post in a week or so, and think 'I'm making it'!!!! ....that would be very cool.....

I'm too out to lunch to even try attending a meeting tonight.
Have my sights set on one this Thursday though, I've been to it before, and I really like the people I met there before.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Wish me luck friends. I know I can do this .... with a little help from God I will...
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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i know where you are at (sort of) and no way i want to go back.. you can do it man.. but.. only you can make the decision!
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Good luck Richard - hang in there.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old 10-14-2009, 06:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Been there, done that, got the sweat soaked t-shirt. Honestly, it wouldn't hurt you to hole up for a day or so and get your fluids, food intake, and wits back to normal prior to venturing to AA if that is your flavor. I was a poster person slipper for a while years ago and really it did me no good going to a meeting yet again shaking and sweating. Might be a real good time instead just to get some thoughts down on paper and make a plan on how you won't let this happen again. The most important things right now that contribute to my sobriety are eating right and exercising my mind and body. I try and get good rest which I remember being real tough for a month or so afterwards. Remember you are in charge of your sobriety, but not of a drunk. Powerlessness for me only begins after I poor the stuff down my throat. Hang in there. I know you know the way you feel right now will not last too long.
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Old 10-14-2009, 06:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I too have been in your position too often. I hope you can truly stay sober this time. You never have to feel this badly again if you just don't pick up that first drink.:ghug3
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:01 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yea..It def doesnt get better. I know it never did for me.
And the more I screwed up the more got the F it attitude.
Not a good thing.
But it is good that you are acknowledging your responsibility in it. And are willing to make efforts toward reaching out f2f.
I refer to alot of threads of mine. Especially when I first joined here. Iw as a heaping hot mess. I am just horrified at some of my posts back then. Def a great reminder.
I use to have a list hung on my wall right in front of my computer. The good and bad things about using.
I had to look at it everytime I sat at my desk.
I hope you find the support you need. And keep tyring no matter what.
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard54 View Post
I chose to drink again..and now I'm going to choose not to drink any more.
I'll point out the obvious, Richard, and say that particular road is not working for you.

I went down that road many times myself, always with a new resolve and increased determination to choose to quit drinking. And I saw it worked with others. But it sure didn't work for me. It just left me drunk and angry and full of self-pity and demoralized. I must just be a big loser that lacks the willpower to stay sober. What I found for me was that no amount of willpower I had was keeping me sober. No amount of hard work or determination was doing it. Hard work and determination were required, but they were not sufficient for me.

I'm a chronic alcoholic like described in AA's Big Book. It fits me to a Tee. And alcoholics like me are generally doomed to keep repeating that willpower experiment.

I had to surrender in order to recover. I had to let go of my beliefs and thoughts on how to stay sober, and just do the actions that others had done. They were successful at staying sober by doing those actions, and they were willing to show me what to do.

I did just what they told me, and I recovered. I'm ever grateful that I stopped playing the willpower game.

If it works for you, you're a much stronger man than I am. But if it's not working, there is another way.
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Reread what Keith wrote, I could have wrote it myself.

Until I surrendered to the fact that I had absolutely no clue how to stay sober I kept getting drunk over and over and over again until I did not draw a sober breath for 5 years. I reached the point where some days no matter how much I drank I could not get drunk, and other days I was drunk on my butt after only 6-8.

When I became WILLING to do what ever it took to stay sober by following the suggestions of other recovered alcoholics who knew how to stay sober.... WE stayed sober together!
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You can do it!! Hoping nothing but the best for you!
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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God, Taz, it's been a few years since I've had first-hand experience, but I can still feel the pain of being in that place you describe. I can go back and connect with Step 1 any moment I want.

That torment of wanting to be sober so badly, of wanting a few drinks to end that torment, of trying day after day to not drink, and facing the next day hung over and starting the whole thing again.

When the BB talks about 'pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization', this is what it means. Thanks for that.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
I reached the point where some days no matter how much I drank I could not get drunk, and other days I was drunk on my butt after only 6-8.
This is painfully familiar when I go back to that memory as well. The moment the medicine finally stopped working, yet I could do nothing but keep taking it, taking it, taking it. So sick. Literally crying on the phone to 911, just spent and lost. What a miracle to be here today.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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So much good advice here. I'm praying for you, too. Don't forget that you are as loved by and important to God (Universe,,,) as the most sober individual alive. Give yourself permission to heal and take the steps and find the help you need. We all have our contribution to make to this world.:praying
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I wish you the very best Richard.

Please do whatever you need to to reach out for help and stop this - it's time to widen your net, mate

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Old 10-14-2009, 02:52 PM   #15 (permalink)
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In the end, it was no longer fun or relaxing when I drank. That had been true for years, but I didn't want to admit it. How could I give up on something that had once been such a way of life? Admitting that drinking wasn't doing the job anymore didn't stop me, though. I had to almost drink myself to death and drag myself up out of hell one last time. I guess that's what it took - that, and finding SR to lean on and be inspired by.

I haven't looked back in 19 mos. - so I know it can be done, Richard! I didn't always feel enthusiastic about it in the beginning, but knew it was the only way - and held on to the knowledge that it would one day feel better and I'd be happy again. No more chaos.

I like your idea of starting a thread to encourage yourself with. I hope you'll let us know how it's going.
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