Not to keep this going longer than it needs to. But I have taken some time to really think about all of this and what everyone has shared - which has been incredible. And I think if I get real with myself...some of this boils down to: I have given up so much. Whether real or imagined I have stripped my life bare in order to start over. And for me, the holidays are one moment in time to stop and have a moment - ONE MOMENT - of something that feels special and normal. I guess this year - the holidays are amplifying the amount of pain and loss that has been in my life because addiction has been in my life. Maybe this is just my year to mourn what I have lost. To give thanks that I am where I am even with the pain....to be thankful I am alive and I am able to finally talk about the nightmare that has been my life.
This year, I am grateful for SR and the many souls who come together here to share strength and wisdom. Guess I just need to take a deep breath and worry about what I am doing today...