The holidays

Old 10-08-2009, 05:27 AM
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The holidays

Hi Friends! I told a friend today that I love this time of year and I hate this time of year...this year I face the fall and the holidays alone for the first time - oh ever - in my life. First in 16 years that my AH and I have not been together. Don't get me wrong, I won't miss the humilation of him blitzed out of his mind and passing out at the dinner table - or having to make another excuse as to why I can't attend a holiday party...

I want to find ways to stay positive and get through and I know many of you have had to face this before me...

I would love to hear your thoughts on taking care of myself and good things to do. I need your wisdom...
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:50 AM
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Great timing because the Canadian Thanksgiving is this coming weekend, so the holidays are starting now.

I know how painful holidays can be, it was a couple of years after my son went missing before I decided to stop being sad and start making new traditions and new memories and living in the joy and gratitude of the season. Something that helped me was to volunteer during the holidays. I was the world's oldest elf at a Women's Shelter Christmas party a few years back, I try to help the Salvation Army deliver Christmas boxes to families who need them, and I buy little gifts for people I know who are alone and maybe lonely, like seniors or shut-ins. Believe me, the gift is in the giving, because I can't tell you how my heart is warmed by their smiles.

Just yesterday I booked a Florida vacation over Christmas and New Years for Mr. Ann and me and I am truly looking forward to warmth and sunshine instead of the Canadian White Christmas we usually celebrate. We've come a long way baby, and it's good to be back in the spirit.

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Old 10-08-2009, 06:45 AM
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My little kids and I have started a tradition of going to the zoo on Thanksgiving or on the day after Thanksgiving. Most people don't know that zoos are usually open 365 days of the year. And because they lack the staff to run some of the admission gates in specialty areas, you can sometimes get into them for free. The zoo close to where I am has a lot of newer, inside exhibits and a big dolphin tank so if it sucks outside you can just do the inside stuff.

The best part is there is no jostling with others to get the best view. Little kids always have a hard time seeing what's going on because of all the big folks around. On a holiday, no one is there. Ya know how when big celebrities go shopping and management shuts down the whole store so they can shop undisturbed? It's like that.

A lot of people I know go to the movies on Thanksgiving too. Or go out to eat, trying something you never tried before (but I live in the burbs where a lot of people from different cultures don't celebrate the American holidays - this may not be workable for you - I don't know where you live). But you could just have a movie marathon at home. Jammies, popcorn, candy.

Just some ideas....
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Old 10-08-2009, 06:53 AM
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Hey RedTail...

So sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. For years I spent my Christmases with my parents, then my son's father, then after we separated with my daughter's father, so I never really did have any period that I was spending Christmas alone until...

My boyfriend and I had a brief period last year that every holiday we would break up... for some stupid reason we would always manage to be separated by the day of or a few days prior to the holiday. Wanna know my honest opinion on Holidays alone after horrible holiday experiences? The first one was hard... facing the fact that, you were 100% alone, and there was no one there (just so happened that my son's father decided that year to have him on holidays which he normally DOES NOT DO) is relaxing.

You're not trying to impress anyone, you don't need to anymore. You don't have to babysit, you don't have to be careful on what you do or say. It's comforting to know that while others are sitting there bickering with their spouses over how much they spent on a Turkey, or Christmas, or anything like that, you have no one to bicker with but yourself. So... I decided for Thanksgiving, I didn't care if I was cooking a turkey, salads, stuffing, pickles...etc for myself, all I cared was that I was getting it. For Christmas, I did the same except it was a much much bigger Turkey and I invited my single friends over, those that were going through the same thing and had to spend Christmas alone. New Years well... that was another story. Not only did I have a GREAT time being single - I went out to the bars with the girls and danced until my feet bled, literally. I was sober as a judge, and the only kisses I got were from my really drunken girly friends but.. I had a lot of fun!

Just because your spouse isn't there, doesn't mean that you have to be alone. Know anyone that really doesn't have too much family around? Or maybe they just broke up with their spouse and need a comforting? Or... maybe it's even an elderly couple who can't cook for themselves, or something along those lines. Honestly.. it helps you, and it helps them. I may sound crazy, but in our community everyone is closely knit so, it's not out of the ordinary that the neighbors are having issues so we help out. Mothers day, I made sure to spend it with my mom, even if no one was appreciating that I also was a mother, I knew I was special anyways for being there for my own.

I hope some of this may have helped you, it sure did when I was forced to spend each holiday alone.

Thanks!
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:35 AM
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Happy Thanksgiving, Ann! I do like the idea of "adopting" some folks for the holidays for giving a little something special to.

I think part of my real struggle is that I am supposed to file my final divorce decree in early December and I just don't think I can do it. I struggle in my own recovery around worrying about what others will think of me...and I get the idea of celebrating a new year free and clear.... but I don't feel ready to do this part. We have lived apart since June - and while I know I made the right decision to be apart - I feel really pressured to do this step. I am trying to focus on what I want and what is right for me.. but I am struggling with feeling like half of my friends will be mad at me for not filing the final decree and half will be mad if I do because it was cruel for my AH. Placing myself at the center of my decisions is hard - still - for me.

I don't have parents anymore. I have a sister I will see at some point. My two sons are also addicts and I have little contact with them...all of my friends are married - or if single, they have families they go see for the holidays. But Lost - you are right - I can make the darn turkey just for me! More sandwiches later that way LOL... and Thanks Dirt for the Zoo idea - I really like that too!

Hard stuff, ya know?
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:49 AM
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RedTail,

Do things for you... it's great that you have had the strength to leave him and stick by it I applaud you. I froze a lot of my cooked turkey for "lazy days" when I wanted to have a home cooked meal, without the hours and hours wasted in the stove, lol. If your friends are mad at you, so what? It's not their life you're living it's yours! But... you have to do what you feel is right for you. Maybe one of your friends are struggling financially and you could be a mystery Santa for them if you don't have anyone to buy for? Just some thoughts
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:53 AM
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Cynical - that is a keeper! Thank you for sharing it....
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:54 AM
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Hi RedTail, From Xmas thru New Year's I go to Florida and hang out on the beach. Ten years ago, I changed my perspective on the whole holiday season when I realized I was stressfully chasing an American Dream that was simply unattainable and unhealthy for me. All the people in my life understand that I no longer give gifts at Xmas, I give them throughout the year, and prefer to pay for experiences together instead of paying for objects to give. I admit this is extreme because folks attach so much feeling and therefore expectations to the holidays, but it works for me.
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Old 10-08-2009, 11:16 AM
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Well, let's see now.....4:45 P.M. Thanksgiving eve, 2007, sitting in an airport, I had just persuaded her court supevisor to allow me to transport my daughter from one state to another for purposes of rehab.

I traveled with a professional interventionist because my daughter was at high risk to bolt and back then, I was most determined to do whatever it took to cure my daughter of addiction.

I really thought, at the time, that I could beat her addiction. It was just a matter of my will and money.

That evening I checked my daughter into another rehab, her second in 5 days. I spent the night in a dingy motel across the river, in Wisconsin. Family was encouraged to share dinner at the rehab on Thanksgiving and so I did. She did not want to stay and was acting out. I eventually sought permission to run for my life and I did.

Several days later, they determined that my daughter needed more care than they were able to provide. And so it was another road trip to rehab #3, in yet a different state.

I let go of the holidays, that year. I did not decorate. I did not participate. It was just another day. Surprisingly, it was....just another day- not a pity party day, either. And the world did not end. It has changed the way I view the holidays, forever.

I did however, give the gift of serenity to myself that day and decided not to answer the phone and listen to my daughter's threats of bolting, self harm and suicide. I accepted that I had no control over her reaction and it was the begining of my own recovery.
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Old 10-09-2009, 04:24 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
And the world did not end. It has changed the way I view the holidays, forever.

I did however, give the gift of serenity to myself that day

it was the begining of my own recovery.
Thank you for sharing this very life changing moment. I have for so long measured my life by how it is "supposed" to be...who I was supposed to be, who my AH was supposed to be, what the holidays were supposed to be. It has always been about making sure everyone else had what they needed - and yes, because if I was the golden girl, I could change everyone elses life. My goodness - I sure did think I was powerful. But you have reminded me that I have not given myself the greatest gift - the gift of serenity on a day to be thankful that I am alive, that I now live in safety, that the constant life of anger and lies and attempts at control are fading... You have reminded me of another step I need to take - to let go of what is supposed to be and live with what is.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:45 AM
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[QUOTE=outtolunch;2393235]I let go of the holidays, that year. I did not decorate. I did not participate. It was just another day. Surprisingly, it was....just another day- not a pity party day, either. And the world did not end. It has changed the way I view the holidays, forever..[/QUOT

outto,

I get what you are saying, I only wish I could do this. Red, you bring up a very difficult thing for me as well............ the holidays.
It's not easy (for me) to treat it like anyother day, instead, I get bombarded with friends/aquaintences/co-workers/family, asking, "what are you doing thanksgiving weekend????"..... bla bla bla. I then get filled with rage, saddness, bitterness, anger, --- because the 'holidays' are never the funfilled-romantic-loving-memory lane holiday that I hoped for.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Red, not hijacking your thread, but perhaps some of the more-equipped members can answer this for me/you, to give us some copeing tools.....

love,
Cess
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:30 AM
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You know, our holidays may not be the things that Hallmark makes cards for, but there is no reason it has to be.

There are still only 24 hours in each day and planning something special just for us is a great way to spend these days. If obligated to visit dysfunctional family, we can go for a short time and have our escape planned with a special treat at the end of the day just for us...light candles and let Calgon sooth your soul.

Sometimes I like quiet holidays, other years I want to join all the celebrations...but a gift of recovery is that I get to choose what works for me and then do it.

Hugs
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
I get bombarded with friends/aquaintences/co-workers/family, asking, "what are you doing thanksgiving weekend????"..... bla bla bla. I then get filled with rage, saddness, bitterness, anger

Yes - yesterday I left work in tears. I told a co-worker that I was looking for a great place to volunteer some time over Thanksgiving and she looked at me said - "You are so lucky - you are all alone for the holidays and so it is all so easy for you..." I barely got to the car before the tears flew....Alone and lucky and easy in the same sentence? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

People who don't know - don't know. People who don't know what it is to not have children or a spouse or parents over the holidays - don't and can't know how painful it is. The problem is I used to have the Hallmark experience when I was younger and my parents were living...The holidays were magic for me in many ways because they were filled with love and with surprise and with great moments. I guess this too is part of the recovery process for me - I have to learn to give myself my own magical moments and not rely on someone else. Hmmmm, maybe that is what got me here in the first place!

Step by step....I remember hearing on here so much about this being a process...One more painful step to take.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:39 AM
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Cessy and RedTail's posts really have me thinking now. I have heard these same things from so many people. The holidays are just filled with so many expectations, wishes, dreams, shoulds, can'ts, wants... And that's just exactly it. ALL of this is just so much BIGGER than us and addiction and codependency. It is a giant machine and we are caught in the cogs...for what?

And once it's over, it's over. January 2nd comes and we are broke and have just gained back the 10 pounds we spent the last 11 months trying to work off! And all that stress we go through for MONTHS, all the pushing and shoving at the malls and the anger over lost parking spaces, and the money we spent that we didn't even have? Do you know what stress does? It KILLS.

Yes, we have such wonderful memories that gloss over so much else that is painful in our pasts. We watch TV and read magazines with beautiful pictures of beautiful people living in beautiful homes with beautiful lights and beautiful trees and garland. My house had to be PERFECT and everything matching for the holidays, all white lights, maroon and cream and gold, expensive ribbons running thru garland, good lord...

I had to buy the perfect presents for all the people in my life to show how much I love and appreciate and care about them. To show them how I realy feel. But how many times did the present I buy not get the reaction I wanted? And after all that thought and effort and worry and now I'm even more disappointed and stressed. And what did they get me? A candle? Huh? And if you give me one more pair of earrings for Xmas, I am going to scream! I don't even wear earrings!!!

But everyone buys into it, like RedTail's co-workers and my co-workers, and even the Buddhists and Hindis celebrate Xmas because they want to feel the way they think WE feel. It feels horrible to be left out, to be alone with NO ONE to spend Xmas with, and no presents to open. It just feels so dark and gray and depressing.

And I walk around looking at people caroling together with their families, having Xmas dinner, etc etc. I compare myself to them and wish wish wish I had a life like that! And why can't I have family just like everyone else? What is wrong with me? We compare now to when we were kids and wonder why it's not like that now.

Because we are not those little kids anymore. When we were little, our brains didn't even work the way they do now so there's no way that we will ever be able to get those feelings back, even if we create an exact replica of our homes and the people who were with us then. There's no way we can create what is sold by Hallmark and all the other advertisers who just want us to give them our money in exchange for some hope of realizing those feelings again. They airbrush those magazine pictures!

They even invented Scrooge to keep us from being able to turn our heads away from it. I'm sorry, I know this will make me sound bad but I think it is all hogwash. I don't need a particular day of the year to come together with my family and friends. I am not a grouch, nor am I a tightwad. I give freely to others anything I have. I just refuse to buy into the madness anymore.

Recovery is not just for us and addicted persons. Recovery is from painful and sick ways of thinking that our society and our relationships with others impress upon us. Recovery is from chasing feelings we want to feel, or think we should feel, whether those feelings come from shopping, Xmas, lights, family, crack cocaine, turkey dinner, alcohol, sex, intimacy, a great Valentine's present, gambling, a weekend in Paris your hubby should give you, blah blah blah.

I stopped watching TV, I stopped reading magazines, I stopped wanting all those things and all those feelings that are really unattainable because they are just fairy tales, magical thinking. We chase feelings in order to feel better so that we don't feel so afraid and anxious in this crappy world. But feelings are fleeting and temporary.

And to put it all into perspective, before I buy anything, and whenever I feel bad about my life, or feel sorry for myself because I am alone, I think of the millions and millions of children around the world who do not have anything to eat. Children with swollen bellies, children with no parents, no roof over there heads, no clothing on their backs, children who spend all day in garbage dumps searching for food. I'm not saying give away all your money, or feel guilty that you have more, I'm saying I have to keep my feelings in proper perspective. And THAT brings me serenity.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:53 AM
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[QUOTE=cessy68;2394011]
Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post

I then get filled with rage, saddness, bitterness, anger, --- because the 'holidays' are never the funfilled-romantic-loving-memory lane holiday that I hoped for.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Red, not hijacking your thread, but perhaps some of the more-equipped members can answer this for me/you, to give us some copeing tools.....

love,Cess
I don't know if I am more equipped than you or anyone, but here's my 2 cents.

The majority of the people in the world, do not celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

They are not bombarded, since birth, with parades, movies, TV shows, made for TV movies, advertizing and so on. They don't know that bows on the tree are out of style and feathers or whatever, are in.

They don't know that they are supposed to go into debt, gifting other people, including strangers, less fortunate than they are.

They don't know that their children are supposed to believe in some magical figurhead who gifts them with whatever their heart desires. Their children do not write " give me" lists to the figurehead. They don't know that they are supposed to be sorta pissy if someone regifts or returns their present.

They don't know that if there are not endless parties and celebrations, that they are supposed to feel bad cause they are missing out, on something.

They don't know that they are supposed to bake endless cookies, fruit cakes ( who the hell-o eats fruit cake?) and other "seasonal" treats. They know nothing about longing for a white Christmas, let alone someone's grandma got run over by a reindeer.

They don't know that if it all does not come together, the way it is portrayed by the media, they are missing out on something and that many become depressed or worse.

They have no expectations.

I found myself in a position where, due to circumstances, I realized that the magic of the holidays was a childish fantasy incapable of being sustained and it has a heck of a lot more to do with $$$, than anything else.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus that day and began to take responsibility for my own feelings rather than letting the holiday machine dictate what I should be doing and feeling.

I am not a bah-humbuger, really I am not. I love decorating/cooking for the holidays. I love driving around and seeing all the lights. But by golly, I am not living a Currier and Ives fantasy, here. I have no expectations about how other should behave over the holidays.
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:11 AM
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Wow outtolunch, that was an awesome post! Thanks!

Oh, and I like fruitcake. But not the kind you buy. The kind you bake at home. But I certainly would not want someone to give me one. They're not that good the day after.

Your figurehead picture reminded me of my niece, when she was three and her parents told her Santa Claus was coming, and showed her a giant gold key to the front door.
The poor kid started shaking and screaming her head off, crying because she didn't want any strange man coming into her house. I tell ya', they threw that key away and never mentioned Santa again.
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Old 10-12-2009, 05:39 AM
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Not to keep this going longer than it needs to. But I have taken some time to really think about all of this and what everyone has shared - which has been incredible. And I think if I get real with myself...some of this boils down to: I have given up so much. Whether real or imagined I have stripped my life bare in order to start over. And for me, the holidays are one moment in time to stop and have a moment - ONE MOMENT - of something that feels special and normal. I guess this year - the holidays are amplifying the amount of pain and loss that has been in my life because addiction has been in my life. Maybe this is just my year to mourn what I have lost. To give thanks that I am where I am even with the pain....to be thankful I am alive and I am able to finally talk about the nightmare that has been my life.

This year, I am grateful for SR and the many souls who come together here to share strength and wisdom. Guess I just need to take a deep breath and worry about what I am doing today...
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