Originally Posted by
Free108 
Queenie, I had read some of your story and had definitely related to what you have been through. And yes, it's so easy to get wrapped up in how messed up you must be if you're behaving badly, being jealous and getting angry. I'm becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I was behaving in these ways because I was involved in a very unhealthy dance with him. It was a very alluring thing for me to be with him - he's incredibly charming and intelligent - but I wasn't getting much of what I need in a relationship and I wasn't being clear and honest with myself. I'm not very good at stepping back from my feelings of infatuation and looking after myself. Much to learn...
Anyway, thanks for your support.
free i agree, it is VERY easy to fall into that pattern of thinking "what's wrong with me?" and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. in fact i did - i believed everything he told me, i left thinking that everything was my fault and racking my brain for what i could do to "fix" things.
sometimes i find myself slipping back into that mindset, but i just have to remember that there's NOTHING wrong with me...only that i went looking for something i needed in the completely wrong place, i kept trying to get something from someone who is incapable of giving it to me...like the saying goes, looking for bread at the hardware store.
ah yes, i get the alluring thing. xabf was SO CHARMING, funny, intelligent...you just get sucked in, i don't know how he does it but he just has this intoxicating aura that is so powerful. in my experience it started off just like that, he projected such a fantastic image to everyone but over time i was privy to the deterioration, and once he realized that i wasn't going to be the doormat he needed me to be, wow, complete 180%. he had gone from saying "you are my wings" to "i need you to be different." he had put me on his bank account since i had moved to a different country to be with him and couldn't find work, and after i broke the tv he stormed out of the house, came back a while later and said "you're done. book a flight home." he had taken me off the account and wanted me to leave.
i understand the not being able to step away from your feelings to decide what you need to be healthy. from time to time i'd get a nagging feeling, something tugging away at my conscience that would say "is this really what you want?" but i always rationalized it away, thinking "well i love him, and sometimes in relationships you have to make sacrifices, nobody's perfect." or i would look at other couples and compare their experience to mine - "well, he drinks to the point of passing out too and he's still in a relationship, or she smokes weed all the time and their marriage seems fine, they're happy together." WHY does any of that matter? WHY am i always looking outside myself for validation?
that's my problem. i've lost touch with myself, i completely abandoned myself to be with xabf. well my feelings, emotions and thoughts are completely valid and important, too! and if i don't look after myself, who else is going to?