Dumped by my AB, confused

Old 10-09-2009, 04:39 PM
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Dumped by my AB, confused

Hi Everyone.
I found this forum while googling for info' on alcoholism.
3 weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly ended our relationship. We had been together for over a year, we had recently moved in together and we were, I thought, very much in love. I had been becoming concerned because after moving in together, it became hard to ignore the fact that he was drinking every single night, usually about 4 or 5 beers and a few glasses of wine. Our bedroom smelled like alcohol fumes most mornings. I started expressing some concern, but he never said "yes, I know I have a problem". He would usually just say that he knows that he's been stressed out lately and that he had been using booze to de-stress. He runs a night club, so there's a lot of it around... I just said, well, I hope you can deal with it. But I was also starting to complain about other things. He gets up really late, due to his job and I felt that that left little room for a relationship, especially if he was hungover. I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things - other women, how he prioritizes his time, partying after work. I basically became the bummer in the relationship.
Finally, one day after a fight, he just blew up and told me he was done. That I was jealous and controlling and that he didn't want to live like that. He moved out of the house within a couple of days and never turned back.
He is apparently now really enjoying his life and things are much better for him, I hear through the grapevine.
I'm completely horrified and reeling.
The fact that he's HAPPY and functional hurts like hell, especially in comparison with the state that I'm in.
I feel such betrayal. I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just sitting here with my head spinning, looking up Al-Anon meetings and paying for therapy, feeling completely abandoned by the man I was building my life with.
Thanks for any wisdom you might be able to share.
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Old 10-09-2009, 04:59 PM
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I'm a newbie here myself. There is an AWESOME amount of support here.

Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them.
Even if the A's are making promises, they are empty = no promises. Which to me is far worse, makes you fall into their trap.

I just broke up with my ABF today. I'm in terrible heartache, but at least I am rid of the nonsense of this disease. And now you are too. It's now time for you - focus on you. You can try Al-Anon to get you back on your feet into YOUR life - but I've also found the support on this site to be far better than what I got out of Al-Anon. It's different for each of us. Find something that works for you - but remember, it's about YOU.

He may seem happy... but inside he's miserable - he's just relieved he can drink without judgement now.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:11 PM
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My addict doesn't seem so volatile, lol, just absolutely determined to have a good time and not be around me. Hard because we seemed to have a pretty mature, close relationship. I'm trying really hard to understand that he will pick the alcohol over me, but it's tough. It's a whole new reality. Difficult to get the fact that my life is now a big cliche...
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:24 PM
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Yes, selfish is a good word. I feel like I've been left with this huge burden of grief to deal with and I know that I need to do some work or I wouldn't have got into this situation, but I'm mad that I'm the one falling apart and he's just motoring on, oblivious. I feel like a little kid having a tantrum screaming "it's not fair!". And I also feel completely stuck, sitting on my couch, doing the bare minimum, in a horrible funk, knowing that I need to get moving and get my life together but so in shock at what has happened. Ugh.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:27 PM
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Hi Free!! You are free now!! (smile)

Welcome to SR... Glad you are here.


Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
Hi Everyone.

He is apparently now really enjoying his life and things are much better for him, I hear through the grapevine.
One thing to remember is not believe what you hear through the grapevine.... the number one priority is taking care of yourself during this time. Possibly telling the others to not mention him around you is one boundary you can set up so that you are able to start the process of healing.


The fact that he's HAPPY and functional hurts like hell, especially in comparison with the state that I'm in.
He might be happy for the moment because he's living it up.... but he is not functional. If he was functional, he wouldn't have to drink the amount he is to deal with life. People who use substances to drown out life's crap, are not functional.

I feel such betrayal. I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them.
Someone in active addiction will make promises until they turn blue in the face... just because they are able to express regret doesn't mean they are capable of actually feeling the regret and making moves to repair the damage they have done. If our loved ones aren't capable of following through on their promises..... this is what we detach from.... the constant emotional roller coaster an addict/alcoholic will put you through. We have all heard the promises of a new day.... some of us have seen a new day..... some of us have walked away from the illusion of a new day.... and some of us have made our own new days without them.

I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just sitting here with my head spinning, looking up Al-Anon meetings and paying for therapy, feeling completely abandoned by the man I was building my life with.
Thanks for any wisdom you might be able to share.
You are taking the beginning steps to your own recovery from this horrible disease and it's effects. The more you know that you didn't cause any of this, you couldn't control any of it and you didn't cause any of it, the more you will be able to let go of beating YOURSELF up for something you didn't do.

Keep reading, there is lots of support here. Remember when reading around to take what is necessary for your growth and to leave the rest that may not be.

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Old 10-09-2009, 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
Yes, selfish is a good word. I feel like I've been left with this huge burden of grief to deal with and I know that I need to do some work or I wouldn't have got into this situation, but I'm mad that I'm the one falling apart and he's just motoring on, oblivious. I feel like a little kid having a tantrum screaming "it's not fair!". And I also feel completely stuck, sitting on my couch, doing the bare minimum, in a horrible funk, knowing that I need to get moving and get my life together but so in shock at what has happened. Ugh.
Try not to beat yourself up too bad and give yourself some credit... you are experiencing a break up. Break ups are tough.... with or without addiction in the mix. Go with the funk for awhile, cry a little and then get yourself back up and start working on your healing.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:33 PM
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Thanks everyone. I'm trying really hard to really feel your advice. I understand the concepts, I just need to internalize it all somehow. Then I might be able to feel that the breakup is for the best and feel some peace. I appreciate your comments.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:40 PM
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I'm actually off to my first Al-Anon meeting in a few minutes. I'm a little worried about that... we'll see, worth a try.
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:47 PM
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((Free))

I am so glad you found this forum. Miracles happen here every day and thanks to the great people here I have been able to move forward even when I thought I would not.

You will get over this one day and you will have a very very different view about things than the one you have now. You will be ok once again! Much better than ok even, I promise!

I know because I was you about one year ago... very similar story.

Here you learn alcoholics think they are independent, when they are dependent on a substance.

Alcoholics think they are free when in reality they are caged.

Alcoholic think they are unpredictable and they are the most predictable people on Earth.


I agree we are blessed to mourn. For many the pain of real feelings is too great and they avoid it at ALL costs, drinking, taking drugs, going from partner to partner, whatever.

Life SEEMS easy for him because HE HAS THE DRINK to resort to. Imagine if YOU had a magic potion that made it all good whenever you were not happy?

The only thing you did was stand up for yourself. If you were ok with his drinking and cheating and doing whatever, believe me he would still be with you saying you are his everything. But you were not ok living like that and he sensed you were not going to be the doormat he needs that will accept anything for two crumbles of affection.

My favorite links:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters #1)

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

I wish I could ease your pain. It was very hard, very quick, very shocking for me too.

Now I know those are not normal guys.

You could have been any other girl really. For him it is about who accepts his drinking and who doesn't.

I will be sending you good vibes.... mourning is tough. Please do not think he is having a good time. For someone who does not know him well it may seem he is happy but for us who know alcoholism, it is obvious he is just getting deeper into it and has not learned much from the experience with you. And there is nothing at all happy about that.

You do not know how he really feels. No one knows. I have lived in pain for a year thinking he was just skating while I had the worse time of my life and it is not worth the pain.

The truth is that your ex did not respect the relationship and you had no way to know he was not a social drinker but an alcoholic.

Even if it hurts you were saved from much much hurt. Alcoholics turn to verbal abuse often. Then to physical abuse. Imagine if you had kids? What kind of life would he had given all of you?

What you feel is nothing compared to the hell a life next to an alcoholic ensures. I told a recovered alcoholic in AA I felt I was living in hell after this breakup and he just patted me and said "Sugar.. you do not KNOW hell"

Please remember God/HP saved you from further hurt when more things would be at stake. Its outstanding you are already going to Al anon!!

(HUGS)
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
Hi Everyone.
I found this forum while googling for info' on alcoholism.
3 weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly ended our relationship. We had been together for over a year, we had recently moved in together and we were, I thought, very much in love. I had been becoming concerned because after moving in together, it became hard to ignore the fact that he was drinking every single night, usually about 4 or 5 beers and a few glasses of wine. Our bedroom smelled like alcohol fumes most mornings. I started expressing some concern, but he never said "yes, I know I have a problem". He would usually just say that he knows that he's been stressed out lately and that he had been using booze to de-stress. He runs a night club, so there's a lot of it around... I just said, well, I hope you can deal with it. But I was also starting to complain about other things. He gets up really late, due to his job and I felt that that left little room for a relationship, especially if he was hungover. I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things - other women, how he prioritizes his time, partying after work. I basically became the bummer in the relationship.
Finally, one day after a fight, he just blew up and told me he was done. That I was jealous and controlling and that he didn't want to live like that. He moved out of the house within a couple of days and never turned back.
He is apparently now really enjoying his life and things are much better for him, I hear through the grapevine.
I'm completely horrified and reeling.
The fact that he's HAPPY and functional hurts like hell, especially in comparison with the state that I'm in.
I feel such betrayal. I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just sitting here with my head spinning, looking up Al-Anon meetings and paying for therapy, feeling completely abandoned by the man I was building my life with.
Thanks for any wisdom you might be able to share.
I am very sorry to hear your relationship has ended, I know how painful that can be

Was he running a Night Club when you met him?

You mentioned it became difficult to ignore the fact that he drank every single night, had you been ignoring that since the beginning of the relationship?

You say you started to complain about other things, like the fact that he slept in due to the fact he worked nights, and that left little time for "the relationship" or more specifically, you

You stated "I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things"

other women

how he prioritizes his time,

partying after work.

I basically became the bummer in the relationship.

What was your plan when you started dating him?

I'm going to go ahead and guess from experience, since I was a bartender for many years, that his actions/activities didn't change, that as time went on you decided you wanted different things from the relationship then what you were getting.

I am going to go ahead and say you have every right to want all of these things from a relationship, but if he wasn't going to provide these things from the get go, he is a drinker that works nights, no one likes jealousy, no one likes when someone tries to change them, to mold them into something they are not, why try to change him into something that he's not?

Of course he will leave.

Of course he is "doing well" and "having fun" he is doing what he wants now, evidently that didn't include changing everything about himself to be in a relationship with you, it doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him someone that works nights and drinks.

Doesn't make him great relationship material, but it doesn't make him a bad person.

This is the part that a number of posters will all start piling on and talking about what a sick horrible human being he is, how he is an addict and an alcoholic, therefore not capable of being in a relationship blah blah but the truth is you picked someone that drinks and works nights and that's not what you want in a relationship.

There is no one wrong, or bad here, that includes you, you two have irreconcilable differences, and the truth is, that lifestyle is not conducive to a happy loving faithful relationship in most cases anyway.

Nightlife that includes drinking every night also frequently includes fairly anonymous sex with near strangers in my experience and years of observation of said lifestyle, so you actually got lucky, although it doesn't feel like it right now.

I was always surprised when I was bartending (nights) and from the moment a woman moved in with me the great make-over would begin, stop drinking, stop smoking, get a different job, why do you sleep in so late, stop flirting, etc etc ad nauseum.

If you want someone who doesn't drink and is available days and is emotionally available for a relationship, pick someone who doesn't drink and is available days and is emotionally available for a relationship, no need to blame you, or him, or vilify him, or beat yourself up, just make a different decision next time going in.
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:08 PM
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I guess for younger people its more diff to discern... "not a drinker" was not among my MUSTs for a partner, I do not think Free had set in her mind she did not want a drinker and went for one anyway to try to make him not to drink.

For many ones, things appear to be social drinking and smooth... until we share 24x7 and know reality. There is faking, there is manipulation, there is the attraction so you are hooked. I do not think that is judging or demeaning alcoholics, its just describing common traits about active ones.

But I agree you can see someone's lifestyle and make some conclusions about their priorities in life. And its not good or bad if they are different, they are just different.

Anyway... with the help of a counselor I realized its not about drink or no drink but about BEHAVIOR...
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:55 PM
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Hi AGO,
I understand where you're coming from. Our situation was a little different, although doesn't take away my responsibility. My AB and I actually started the nightclub together. The goal was to provide a great venue for music, as we're both musicians and we saw the need in our area. To be quite honest, in the excitement of building the business, I didn't look at the alcohol factor. We felt like we were doing something worthwhile. We spent a lot of time at the club and it was a great creative project. A year later I was left with the fact that the lifestyle is what it is and most people involved in the service industry drink more than they should and take drugs too. By the time I understood better, I could see that his habits were not the same as mine... So yeah, I hear you. I should have been more realistic. I wasn't a big nag though. I am pretty accepting of people's ****, but I was increasingly uncomfortable and trying to negotiate some balance. That didn't happen.
I just got back from my first Al Anon meeting. Hoping to learn better and to find some relief from the pain that I feel.
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:22 PM
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Hi Free. Thank you for your last post because you sound like you really have it together despite what you are going through and are a rather strong person. That is inspiring for me. So thanks!

I just want to share that I have very recently felt so many of the things you are going through right now. Being betrayed, discounted, and as if I had done something "wrong." When in fact, I was (and still am) just trying to live my life the best and healthiest way I know how. I honestly didn't see much effort toward a good and healthy life put forth by the person who did the same "to me" as what this person has done to you.

Alcoholics really are not good partners. The fact that "he just blew up and told me he was done. That I was jealous and controlling and that he didn't want to live like that. He moved out of the house within a couple of days and never turned back." is all just normal alcoholic B.S.

He wants his cake and eat it too and thought he could get that with you. But you're not dumb enough or drunk enough or sick enough to accept this. Not what you signed up for, right?

I am very much like you. I do not like drunk, inattentive, cheating, smelly alcoholics in denial who ignore their obvious problems instead of trying to have a better, more peaceful, and productive life. What is the point in being in a relationship with someone who acts like he is not in a relationship? It's just too much work especially if you are the only one who is putting forth effort.

You have every right to feel what you are feeling; dumped, betrayed, horrified, jealous, angry, abandoned, yes, all the things you feel. I know how hard it is when you feel like you found someone you are compatible with; and you invested your time, resources, affections, and efforts toward what seems like NOTHING.

It sounds to me like you've got a good handle on things, going to Al-Anon, going to therapy, sharing on SR, working on yourself. Whatever you HAVE to feel, go ahead and feel. Things are not as cut-and-dry as some folks might have you think. It's a rather complicated matter to tear all of this apart and put it all back together again in a way that fits for US. Take good care of yourself!
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:33 PM
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The weirdest thing just happened, just as I felt I was heading in the right direction:
As I left the Al Anon meeting, a guy friend of ours texted me, about a random thing. He's in AA and so I told him that I had just left my first meeting. He asked "why". I was puzzled about this as he knows my AB quite well. I texted back "because I was in love with an alcoholic and I need to deal with my head" He replied, "I'm not sure he is an alcoholic, but what do I know".
I'm just blown away. I mean, the guy is in recovery. Surely he can spot a problem. It makes me feel like I'm nuts.
But surely, drinking at least 5 beers and 4 or 5 glasses of wine every single night of your life, and that's not a party night, surely that's a problem!
I feel kind of betrayed all over again. I don't know why, but I thought that at least this guy was some kind of witness to what I've been dealing with. Well obviously not.
I know, I should just trust myself...
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:46 PM
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Yes, because if you cannot trust yourself, who CAN you trust? That guy? The so-called friend? He's full of $hit! Don't listen to people who bring you down and make you feel crazy all over again. Block his texts or something; he had NO reason to say that to you.
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:47 PM
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He texted "but what do I know"...well, that is exactly right. He doesn't.
And the terminology doesn't matter anyway..is or isn't.....It wasn't working out well between you and he has left.
I hope by building the club up together that your finances aren't effected by this.
And the bottom line is that he has left.
The good news is that you now have the freedom to look for and create the lifestyle that fits you best and meets your needs fairly and with respect for yourself and from whomever you allow in your life.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:11 PM
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I often chuckle at people who question me about who my "qualifier" is in order for me to go to Al Anon. The truth of the matter is that Al Anon is for people who are bothered by someone else's drinking. There are times when I think practically everyone I know would benefit from attending Al Anon... and who out there doesn't know someone who has a problem with alcohol? The good news is that the meetings are there to help us, regardless of what situation or person made us walk thru that door.
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:30 PM
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Liveweyerd, yes, my finances are affected, so now we have to come to some kind of agreement. I've been so upset though that I'm waiting a while before facing that issue. I want to feel stronger about him and not so shaky before talking to him again. No contact is all I can manage right now.

TakingCharge999 and Learn2live, thanks for your support.
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Old 10-10-2009, 12:04 AM
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(((((Free)))))

A belated WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

I am a recovering alcoholic for many years now. I do not know if your XABF is an alcoholic, only he can decide that some day. However, his drinking and his alcohol being his Mistress is distressful to you, therefore there is a problem!

I am glad you are trying out Al-Anon. Please go to at least 6 different meetings before making decision on whether you believe Al-Anon might be able to help you.

It does sound, based on your description that alcohol is becoming if not already his master. Therefore alcohol will run his life. He will go where and do what will allow him to keep drinking. This obviously is not acceptable to you.

I am glad you are getting out of this now. You say he is 'functioning.' That is all well and good but alcoholism is a progressive disease or whateveer you want to call it, so his 'functioning' capabilities will start to deteriorate so if I were you I would be very grateful to get out now.

Please, when you are ready to sever the 'financial ties' get an attorney to help you. it will safe you much grief in the long run. Honest.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

You will get through this and the pain will subside. There are many here who have been where you are now and we are all willing to share our ES&H in what worked for us to get better.

Again WELCOME.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-10-2009, 09:07 AM
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Thanks for starting this thread Free. It's just where I am, and it's really comforting to know I'm not the only one. You're in the same situation I am, and by reading your posts, it's like looking on my situation from the outside, and it's an interesting perspective.

It's been almost 6 mths for me, and I still don't think I can understand it, and having trouble just letting that part of my past, and it is past (no going back. It's dead in the water), go.

Thanks for helping me see it from the outside. I hope the clarity of it sinks in for the both of us so that we can move on and forget the pain these individuals have caused us.
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