So I lasted a whopping 5 days. I drank again last night - and while it wasn't as bad as last weekend's ordeal, I certainly got drunk and acted out of character. While I remember the whole evening, and nothing bad happened, I still feel bad.
Something very strange happened to me in the hours leading up to taking that first sip. I had major, major anxiety - to the point where I was dry heaving into the sink. I know for a fact that the anxiety came from the anticipation of going out to a party later that evening. It was an actual, bodily feeling I had - I don't know if it was fear, or thirst. I think the high degree of anxiety and anticipation is a sign of my addiction. It was such a scary feeling, that I almost didn't go out - I was afraid of how much I'd drink again, and new for certain that I would not be able to abstain.
Now, I'm a 26 year old guy, single, and looking to have an active, and healthy social life. I feel as though in order to do this, I have to go to parties. The reality is, if I hadn't gone yesterday, I wouldn't have missed out on anything. What weird is my anxiety level shoots up when I'm around alcohol, or even when I think about it. I'm no longer myself. I want to meet a nice girl, and be in a happy healthy relationship, and I feel as though I have to go out to parties in order to make this happen. The problem is, I get drunk at these parties. If I avoid parties all together to avoid drinking, I won't have a social life.
I'm beginning to think that I need to redefine what I believe to be "social". I think that there's something kind of anti-social about parties where everyone is drinking. I don't want to need a social lubricant just to hang out with people. Maybe I need to find new activities, and hang out with people I like during the day doing healthy activities. The funny thing is, my parents have been telling me this for years - but it's only now that I'm starting to think about how it really makes sense. I want a happy, stable life, and if that means not going to parties, then I'll stop going. I'll just have to find another way to be social and connect with people.
I'm visiting my parents today - they know I am hungover - and I think it makes them sad that I still haven't changed. It makes me sad that I still haven't changed. I want to change today. I need to change today. I just can't take this anymore.