Originally Posted by
Free108 
Hi Everyone.
I found this forum while googling for info' on alcoholism.
3 weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly ended our relationship. We had been together for over a year, we had recently moved in together and we were, I thought, very much in love. I had been becoming concerned because after moving in together, it became hard to ignore the fact that he was drinking every single night, usually about 4 or 5 beers and a few glasses of wine. Our bedroom smelled like alcohol fumes most mornings. I started expressing some concern, but he never said "yes, I know I have a problem". He would usually just say that he knows that he's been stressed out lately and that he had been using booze to de-stress. He runs a night club, so there's a lot of it around... I just said, well, I hope you can deal with it. But I was also starting to complain about other things. He gets up really late, due to his job and I felt that that left little room for a relationship, especially if he was hungover. I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things - other women, how he prioritizes his time, partying after work. I basically became the bummer in the relationship.
Finally, one day after a fight, he just blew up and told me he was done. That I was jealous and controlling and that he didn't want to live like that. He moved out of the house within a couple of days and never turned back.
He is apparently now really enjoying his life and things are much better for him, I hear through the grapevine.
I'm completely horrified and reeling.
The fact that he's HAPPY and functional hurts like hell, especially in comparison with the state that I'm in.
I feel such betrayal. I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just sitting here with my head spinning, looking up Al-Anon meetings and paying for therapy, feeling completely abandoned by the man I was building my life with.
Thanks for any wisdom you might be able to share.
I am very sorry to hear your relationship has ended, I know how painful that can be
Was he running a Night Club when you met him?
You mentioned it became difficult to ignore the fact that he drank every single night, had you been ignoring that since the beginning of the relationship?
You say you started to complain about other things, like the fact that he slept in due to the fact he worked nights, and that left little time for "the relationship" or more specifically, you
You stated "I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things"
other women
how he prioritizes his time,
partying after work.
I basically became the bummer in the relationship.
What was your plan when you started dating him?
I'm going to go ahead and guess from experience, since I was a bartender for many years, that his actions/activities didn't change, that as time went on you decided you wanted different things from the relationship then what you were getting.
I am going to go ahead and say you have every right to want all of these things from a relationship, but if he wasn't going to provide these things from the get go, he is a drinker that works nights, no one likes jealousy, no one likes when someone tries to change them, to mold them into something they are not, why try to change him into something that he's not?
Of course he will leave.
Of course he is "doing well" and "having fun" he is doing what he wants now, evidently that didn't include changing everything about himself to be in a relationship with you, it doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him someone that works nights and drinks.
Doesn't make him great relationship material, but it doesn't make him a bad person.
This is the part that a number of posters will all start piling on and talking about what a sick horrible human being he is, how he is an addict and an alcoholic, therefore not capable of being in a relationship blah blah but the truth is you picked someone that drinks and works nights and that's not what you want in a relationship.
There is no one wrong, or bad here, that includes you, you two have irreconcilable differences, and the truth is, that lifestyle is not conducive to a happy loving faithful relationship in most cases anyway.
Nightlife that includes drinking every night also frequently includes fairly anonymous sex with near strangers in my experience and years of observation of said lifestyle, so you actually got lucky, although it doesn't feel like it right now.
I was always surprised when I was bartending (nights) and from the moment a woman moved in with me the great make-over would begin, stop drinking, stop smoking, get a different job, why do you sleep in so late, stop flirting, etc etc ad nauseum.
If you want someone who doesn't drink and is available days and is emotionally available for a relationship, pick someone who doesn't drink and is available days and is emotionally available for a relationship, no need to blame you, or him, or vilify him, or beat yourself up, just make a different decision next time going in.