I felt like that for so long. Knowing I needed to stop but really didnt want to. And sry to be the bearer of bad news. But until you are completely ready and want to stop. Your are more than likely going to stay in that endless cycle.
No amount of treatment or medication is going to make you stop until then.
I got to a point now where I am seriously so freakin tired of the chasing my tail.
It is finally sinking in that there is no managing my addiction. Lord knows I have tried to a million times.
If you dont really want to stop. Then I suggest you start working on reasons to want to. How long do you want to keep going round and round with it? Obviously you want to stop some. Or you wouldnt be here.
Once you gett it in your mind that its over. Theres no maintaining, no managing, no ifs ands or buts. Its stop for good and thats just how it is going to be.
I hope you find that want inside of you that does kick you in the butt and makes you want to stop.
But it doesnt happen by itself. Talking to a Dr is a good start. Finding a lasting sober network is crucial IMO.
You can do it. But you have to want to 100%.
Good Luck.