Hilltopper1972

I'm tired of failing at this. It keeps coming back to the same thing. The truth is I don't want to quit. The problem is I can't get past that point therefore I'm still trying to "manage" my addiction. I need some kind of a kickstart, a line drawn in the sand so to speak or I'll continue in limbo forever until it kills me. I haven't yet explored going to my doctor, telling him I have a problem, and going the route of some kind of drug to help me through this. I'm open to it at this point. I don't really have withdrawls, ever! I can go 2 days, but I always find a way after I'm feeling great to start up again. Help me! I want it to be over so badly.

Anna

I hope you find the motivation to stop.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse, unless you stop.

nickishine

So glad you came here and shared with us!

SUCCESS IS FAILURE TURNED INSIDE OUT!!!

There's no easy or magical way to do this! However, it CAN be done one minute at a time! Remember that you're dealing with alcohol which is cunning, baffling & powerful! Without help.... it's too much for us!

AA, these forums, spiritual connections, rehabs, etc.... have provided help for so many of us! Praying for you today.... and again, am so glad you came here! WELCOME!

:ghug3

nickishine

Alcohol and/or drugs is what I should have included My bad! It's all the same for us "addicted" people, however.

Please keep posting, K? Kindness & peace sent to you today!

CarolD

I too hope you will find a way to stop drinking
Perhaps this will help you

Alcohol and Brain

Yes you too can win over alcohol

Astro

The "line in the sand" for me was wanting sobriety more than anything else, because the alternative was death.

When my ego became so inflated and I wasn't humble and sincerely grateful for everything I had in my life, I was brought to my knees and the slate was wiped clean. Starting over and living life the right way was all the kickstart I needed.

nickishine

Thank you, Astro! I second that!

smacked

Ditto.

Surlyredhead

For me, I had to truly give up and stop fighting with Alcohol. I had to let it go completely. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink...basically, step 1, Admit we are powerless over alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I fell so many times before I "got it" I can't even remember. Stop fighting to manage your addiction, let it go, you will not be sorry. Having said that if you truly don't want to stop drinking, you won't. I know it is hard.......we have all been where you are now, some as few as yesterday, some a little longer ago, but we all understand what you are going through.

Cathy

Learn2Live

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I'm tired of failing at this.

Try not to think of it as either succeeding OR failing. Just think of it as you are just PRACTICING. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

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It keeps coming back to the same thing. The truth is I don't want to quit.

How many times have you tried to "quit"? If you don't WANT to quit and have no desire to quit or any motivation to quit, all you can do is either quit TRYING to quit OR CREATE that wanting, create that desire, or create that motivation. You may just not be there yet. Recovery is a PROCESS, not something you get or can hold in your hand. And LIFE is a Process; you get up, you fall down, you hold onto someone or something else, you pull yourself up again, and on and on. Once you fall down enough times, you will find a NEW way to pull yourself back up. You're not failing at ANYTHING.

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The problem is I can't get past that point therefore I'm still trying to "manage" my addiction... I'll continue in limbo forever until it kills me.

Why do you need to get past this point? Have you even settled into "managing" your addiction? Do you know what "managing" your addiction means? I think you're just uncomfortable with doing this thing that is new. Give yourself some time.

Limbo is not fatal. What's fatal is the progressive, incurable, insidious disease of addiction, which includes alcoholism.

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I don't really have withdrawls, ever! I can go 2 days, but I always find a way after I'm feeling great to start up again. Help me!

Me neither; I never have withdrawals. I can go a year. I've been told and have told others many times, BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU START FEELING GREAT. When I start feeling great, I have to purposefully and mindfully calm myself down. Just like when I start feeling anxious. I have to stop and examine what I am doing right now that is causing these anxious feelings. Try it.

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I want it to be over so badly.

I know what you're saying here but no, you don't. If it were OVER, you'd be DEAD. Sounds to me like you are having trouble with feeling your feelings and sitting in them for a while. Are you going to meetings and SHARING your feelings? Do you even know what your feelings ARE? Many of us do not feel our feelings, are scared of our feelings, are panicked by our feelings, numb our feelings, etc.

There is a cool little book you can prolly get on Amazon for a couple bux. It's called "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" by a guy named John Powell. Check it out if you can. It helped me a lot.

You can DO this. I have no doubt.

Aysha

I felt like that for so long. Knowing I needed to stop but really didnt want to. And sry to be the bearer of bad news. But until you are completely ready and want to stop. Your are more than likely going to stay in that endless cycle.
No amount of treatment or medication is going to make you stop until then.
I got to a point now where I am seriously so freakin tired of the chasing my tail.
It is finally sinking in that there is no managing my addiction. Lord knows I have tried to a million times.
If you dont really want to stop. Then I suggest you start working on reasons to want to. How long do you want to keep going round and round with it? Obviously you want to stop some. Or you wouldnt be here.
Once you gett it in your mind that its over. Theres no maintaining, no managing, no ifs ands or buts. Its stop for good and thats just how it is going to be.
I hope you find that want inside of you that does kick you in the butt and makes you want to stop.
But it doesnt happen by itself. Talking to a Dr is a good start. Finding a lasting sober network is crucial IMO.
You can do it. But you have to want to 100%.
Good Luck.

c49

Thanks for that. I still have nearly convincing moments that this is all a phase and sooner or later I will have my martini's again.

I may, just not today.

Hilltopper1972

Excellent stuff here. I without a doubt want to quit, but I am unable to at the present moment. There I said it! I truly don't want to "need" alcohol or "want" alcohol. Now that I've established I need to move forward with managing my triggers. The fact that I no longer care what day I start over at 0 again shows you that I've done this many times. I don't care if it is Friday night, I'm not drinking, going to the gym, and hanging out with my beautiful family tonight. I'm not worried about making it through tonight, I'm worried about what happens after 2 days exercise and diet when I'm feeling physically and emotionally high. The compulsion to drink after two days is overwhelming and to this point I've lacked the ability to win the battle. I crave the buzz I guess. I guess what would be nice is 101 ways to beat the triggers would be a nice start for me.

ElegantlyWasted

You can pick your own bottom. Focus on the positive things that can result from not using and go for it!! Or you can wait for the right reasons. It took me a couple tries to get to day 73.

Lily

You're transparency is refreshing. I pray today would be the day you quit and get some help.

mirage

I can SO relate to what you're going through, Hill. You sound a lot like me. Back to day 1 for me...

Learn2Live

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I'm worried about what happens after 2 days exercise and diet when I'm feeling physically and emotionally high.

Hilltopper, What happens after two days of NOT exercising and dieting?

Dee74

Hi Hilltopper

Sadly noone here can give you the motivation to quit if thats not really what you want.

I had to lose everything (and come back and ask for more trouble several times) before I finally 'got' that alcohol will always control me.

I hope you reconcile that soon for yourself.
D

nickishine

Thanks for your honesty, Hill!

We need a "safe" place to spill it, ya know?!!!

So glad you're here!

Hilltopper1972

For me it is a trigger. I start feeling good and feel like celebrating! Or maybe I feel like I gave myself a rest so now it is ok to beat myself up again. I literally do this every week. I took off Sunday and Monday of this week then blew it Tue, Wed, and last night. Normally I'd keep going through Saturday, then feel horrible, run down and bad, then get mad at myself and start all over again. For whatever reason I got tired of the same old thing and came here for help again. So it is about 330pm, I have no desire to drink, will get home, take the family to the gym, eat a healthy dinner then take the kids to roast smores down the street. I'd normally sit on my but watching news and drinking wine, ignoring my kids and telling them to stop "invading my airspace". What a jerk! Time to stop the nonsense, and tonight is the night!!!!!!!