Cessy and RedTail's posts really have me thinking now. I have heard these same things from so many people. The holidays are just filled with so many expectations, wishes, dreams, shoulds, can'ts, wants... And that's just exactly it. ALL of this is just so much BIGGER than us and addiction and codependency. It is a giant machine and we are caught in the cogs...for what?
And once it's over, it's over. January 2nd comes and we are broke and have just gained back the 10 pounds we spent the last 11 months trying to work off! And all that stress we go through for MONTHS, all the pushing and shoving at the malls and the anger over lost parking spaces, and the money we spent that we didn't even have? Do you know what stress does? It KILLS.
Yes, we have such wonderful memories that gloss over so much else that is painful in our pasts. We watch TV and read magazines with beautiful pictures of beautiful people living in beautiful homes with beautiful lights and beautiful trees and garland. My house had to be PERFECT and everything matching for the holidays, all white lights, maroon and cream and gold, expensive ribbons running thru garland, good lord...
I had to buy the perfect presents for all the people in my life to show how much I love and appreciate and care about them. To show them how I realy feel. But how many times did the present I buy not get the reaction I wanted? And after all that thought and effort and worry and now I'm even more disappointed and stressed. And what did they get me? A candle? Huh? And if you give me one more pair of earrings for Xmas, I am going to scream! I don't even wear earrings!!!
But everyone buys into it, like RedTail's co-workers and my co-workers, and even the Buddhists and Hindis celebrate Xmas because they want to feel the way they think WE feel. It feels horrible to be left out, to be alone with NO ONE to spend Xmas with, and no presents to open. It just feels so dark and gray and depressing.
And I walk around looking at people caroling together with their families, having Xmas dinner, etc etc. I compare myself to them and wish wish wish I had a life like that! And why can't I have family just like everyone else? What is wrong with me? We compare now to when we were kids and wonder why it's not like that now.
Because we are not those little kids anymore. When we were little, our brains didn't even work the way they do now so there's no way that we will ever be able to get those feelings back, even if we create an exact replica of our homes and the people who were with us then. There's no way we can create what is sold by Hallmark and all the other advertisers who just want us to give them our money in exchange for some hope of realizing those feelings again. They airbrush those magazine pictures!
They even invented Scrooge to keep us from being able to turn our heads away from it. I'm sorry, I know this will make me sound bad but I think it is all hogwash. I don't need a particular day of the year to come together with my family and friends. I am not a grouch, nor am I a tightwad. I give freely to others anything I have. I just refuse to buy into the madness anymore.
Recovery is not just for us and addicted persons. Recovery is from painful and sick ways of thinking that our society and our relationships with others impress upon us. Recovery is from chasing feelings we want to feel, or think we should feel, whether those feelings come from shopping, Xmas, lights, family, crack cocaine, turkey dinner, alcohol, sex, intimacy, a great Valentine's present, gambling, a weekend in Paris your hubby should give you, blah blah blah.
I stopped watching TV, I stopped reading magazines, I stopped wanting all those things and all those feelings that are really unattainable because they are just fairy tales, magical thinking. We chase feelings in order to feel better so that we don't feel so afraid and anxious in this crappy world. But feelings are fleeting and temporary.
And to put it all into perspective, before I buy anything, and whenever I feel bad about my life, or feel sorry for myself because I am alone, I think of the millions and millions of children around the world who do not have anything to eat. Children with swollen bellies, children with no parents, no roof over there heads, no clothing on their backs, children who spend all day in garbage dumps searching for food. I'm not saying give away all your money, or feel guilty that you have more, I'm saying I have to keep my feelings in proper perspective. And THAT brings me serenity.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.