Thanks nicki and Dee,
I know this is going to take a looooooong time, so I might as well get comfortable being uncomfortable for now. That's ok. At least I'm not slobbering all over myself, waking up with someone whose name I can't recall, or spending money like a jerk, knowing full well it cannot buy happiness no more so than throwing a football can make me a pro quarterback. My faith is sufficient for the day, and tomorrow will be bright and sunny, regardless of how I feel, so I'm going to get some work done at home, some painting, weed pulling, clean the driveway, that sort of thing. It helps take my mind off these difficult issues for a time, which is what I need to give myself time to heal and find my way. I know there is a good path for me, I've just been taking the wrong turns and keep ending up in Deadsville. Time to find a new compass.
Thanks again for allowing me to speak from the heart. It's rare that I do so, due to years of living behind the mask, so it's new territory for me.