Underneath
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Underneath
It always happens this way. I force myself to do whatever is necessary to stay dry for a few days, then the realizations of my life begin to creep back in mind and I feel like I've never really been happy and don't even know how to be. I know being alive does not come with any guarantee of happiness, but how do those people who are happy just to live day-to-day do it? I've tried every addiction I can handle, drinking, drugs, gambling, work, relationships, money, business ownership, staying isolated, getting out more, meeting new people then withdrawing from them, marriage, movies, education, cigarettes, coffee, you name the addiction, I've tried most of them. I'm always looking outside of myself for something to fill me inside. I've tried church, AA meetings, becoming a Christian, walking away from religion, walking away from AA, and bought and read most self-help books available, retraced my past, gotten in touch with my inner child, tried crushing my ego with gratitude and humility, and have only really succeeded in becoming more confused and bewildered. I've looked and studied family patterns, went to tons of codependency meetings, even became a mainstay at several, and then just tossed in the towel because I was dating the women in the meetings and was ashamed when I would look around the rooms and pick out several that I had dated and felt ashamed at being a person looking for myself in the arms of another. I've stopped going to local AA meetings for fear of running into some of the women I dated from there. I didn't plan to date anyone, it just developed and I never learned how to stay out of a relationship because I kept thinking that this one might just be the one I'd find happiness with. It never really worked for very long, then I'd ultimately end up alone and looking elsewhere for inner peace, which I've never really had. When sobriety became boring, my life became routine, I went to the bars seeking something, anything, to make me feel better, to feel like part of the human race, and when that didn't work, I'd try to get sober again. It seems I've lived my life looking for something I can't find. Maybe it only happens when we quit looking. I don't really know. I just know it seems I'm on a perpetual quest for peace, inner peace and it has always seemingly alluded me, regardless of my efforts to quell the inner turmoil I feel.
One thing my last drinking spree taught me again is that the answers are not in any bottles of booze I've ever tried, nor any drugs or other people. Now, it's boiled down to me, and I'm not quite sure how to begin finding some peace of mind, some relief from my inner drive to become someone. I've tried to become someone for so long I don't even know who the real me is. The real me is buried underneath all the years of addictions running rampant and I have alot of work to do digging down to the real person buried under all this weight. I wish I had a bulldozer handy.
Thanks for reading this, it helps to get it out sometimes.
One thing my last drinking spree taught me again is that the answers are not in any bottles of booze I've ever tried, nor any drugs or other people. Now, it's boiled down to me, and I'm not quite sure how to begin finding some peace of mind, some relief from my inner drive to become someone. I've tried to become someone for so long I don't even know who the real me is. The real me is buried underneath all the years of addictions running rampant and I have alot of work to do digging down to the real person buried under all this weight. I wish I had a bulldozer handy.
Thanks for reading this, it helps to get it out sometimes.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Thank you so much for posting this! I pray, hope & trust you feel better by getting it out! It's soooo hard when we KNOW that we KNOW how this liquid demon does to us yet somehow get so delusional in it's clutches!!!!!!?
You are here, thank God, and amongst us who relate and understand! There's no aloneness in this cyberlink site!
Keep getting it out.... whatever it is and whatever it looks like! Someone here will definitely relate!
I'm glad YOU are here and sharing from your heart!
xxxxxxxxxx
You are here, thank God, and amongst us who relate and understand! There's no aloneness in this cyberlink site!
Keep getting it out.... whatever it is and whatever it looks like! Someone here will definitely relate!
I'm glad YOU are here and sharing from your heart!
xxxxxxxxxx Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
They have this thing called one day at a time....
I wanted a bulldozer too...but in the end I had the equivalent of a toothbrush...and I'm glad I did...
we're rebuilding ourselves FS...from the ground up - the way we want to be...
To do the job right - that takes time.
It's the most important thing you'll ever do - it sets up the rest of your life...why hurry the job and cut corners?
I learnt so much in the actual process of healing and rebuilding by taking it slowly, peeling back the onion skin...building on my bank of knowledge about myself and my life and my feelings day by day...
I know - we're used to the quick fix - immediate gratification. It's no accident that this recovery thing takes time IMO. It's a valuable lesson.
Take it slow - one day at time really does work here too.
Don't bite off too much.
Have the faith that, as long as you stay committed and trust in the outcome, you're exactly where you need to be, FS
D
I wanted a bulldozer too...but in the end I had the equivalent of a toothbrush...and I'm glad I did...
we're rebuilding ourselves FS...from the ground up - the way we want to be...
To do the job right - that takes time.
It's the most important thing you'll ever do - it sets up the rest of your life...why hurry the job and cut corners?
I learnt so much in the actual process of healing and rebuilding by taking it slowly, peeling back the onion skin...building on my bank of knowledge about myself and my life and my feelings day by day...
I know - we're used to the quick fix - immediate gratification. It's no accident that this recovery thing takes time IMO. It's a valuable lesson.
Take it slow - one day at time really does work here too.
Don't bite off too much.
Have the faith that, as long as you stay committed and trust in the outcome, you're exactly where you need to be, FS
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Thanks nicki and Dee,
I know this is going to take a looooooong time, so I might as well get comfortable being uncomfortable for now. That's ok. At least I'm not slobbering all over myself, waking up with someone whose name I can't recall, or spending money like a jerk, knowing full well it cannot buy happiness no more so than throwing a football can make me a pro quarterback. My faith is sufficient for the day, and tomorrow will be bright and sunny, regardless of how I feel, so I'm going to get some work done at home, some painting, weed pulling, clean the driveway, that sort of thing. It helps take my mind off these difficult issues for a time, which is what I need to give myself time to heal and find my way. I know there is a good path for me, I've just been taking the wrong turns and keep ending up in Deadsville. Time to find a new compass.
Thanks again for allowing me to speak from the heart. It's rare that I do so, due to years of living behind the mask, so it's new territory for me.
I know this is going to take a looooooong time, so I might as well get comfortable being uncomfortable for now. That's ok. At least I'm not slobbering all over myself, waking up with someone whose name I can't recall, or spending money like a jerk, knowing full well it cannot buy happiness no more so than throwing a football can make me a pro quarterback. My faith is sufficient for the day, and tomorrow will be bright and sunny, regardless of how I feel, so I'm going to get some work done at home, some painting, weed pulling, clean the driveway, that sort of thing. It helps take my mind off these difficult issues for a time, which is what I need to give myself time to heal and find my way. I know there is a good path for me, I've just been taking the wrong turns and keep ending up in Deadsville. Time to find a new compass.
Thanks again for allowing me to speak from the heart. It's rare that I do so, due to years of living behind the mask, so it's new territory for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I was uncomfortable for years - even before I stopped drinking.
I really didn't believe I could be any other way - but I didn't want to die just yet and I knew I would if I went back to my old life - so I hung on tight and gave it a shot.
I'm glad I did. I think you will be too, D.
D
I really didn't believe I could be any other way - but I didn't want to die just yet and I knew I would if I went back to my old life - so I hung on tight and gave it a shot.
I'm glad I did. I think you will be too, D.
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
FS I know that feeling of not knowing who Martin was, one thing I knew was that I was a drunk.... that I knew!!! I also knew that the booze had not done a damn thing good for me in many years..... except on occassion take me into a state of oblivion, a dark place where time stood still and there was nothingness.... and then I would come to and every thing I had thought I had escaped was still right there!!!!! Staring at me!!!
After I got out of detox I did as they suggested, I got a sponsor and went to a ton of meetings! The meetings did help quite a bit at first, but I still had no idea who I was, I had a lot of resentments, guilt, & shame that I still was toting around in my head all the time.
After about 2 months of at least a meeting a day and following most suggestions given me I had one of those days...... you know, nothing going right, first one thing, then another, then came the straw that came very close to breaking the camels back! I was so furious that I slammed the steering wheel and said "Fxxx it!!! I need a drink!"
If there had of been a beer in the truck I would have drank it! My next thought was "Man do I want to throw away 2 months?", I grabbed my cell and started dialing, some one answered, we spoke, what he said I have no idea, all I know is I got by the moment with out drinking, but it scared the hell out of me!
I thought I was going nuts, thoughts were spinning in my head, anger, guilt, shame............... FEAR!!!! I hurt, I was in pain. I did recall one meeting where a guy asked "When should I take the steps?" an old timer, one that had the peace and serenity I wanted answered "When you want the pain to stop." The man who said this had always had a twinkle in his eye and just seemed to have his act together.
Well I damn sure wanted the pain to stop, I started pushing my then sponsor for us to start me taking the steps.... well he tried, but due to his job and all of the travel associated with it it was hard for us to get together to take the steps. I found another sponsor who did have the time.
There is the "Fellowship" of AA which is in the meetings and other social events, then there is the actual program of AA, that is contained in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. The meetings are where we share our experience, strength and hope with each other, it is where we learn how others have applied the principles of the steps in thier lifes to solve problems and live life on lifes terms.
The program of AA, the 12 steps are where I found the solution to my problems! Taking the steps with my sponsor resulted in me learning what my problems were, who I REALLY was, I learned where my character weaknesses and strengths were, I learned how to forgive myself as well as others, I learned how to make amends, I learned that I was NEVER alone as long as I maintained a solid relationship with my HP.
FS AA is what worked for me, but I worked it with EVERYTHING I had in me.
FS AA is not the only program of recovery out there, there are others, no matter which one some one chooses if they are not giving it their absolute all, if they are picking and choosing which parts of the program they chose to work and not work they are taking half measures. In many things in life half measures will get one half arse results, but when it comes to recovery from alcoholism or drug addictions half measures result in nothing!
FS there are solutions out there, but they ALL take work, constant work.
After I got out of detox I did as they suggested, I got a sponsor and went to a ton of meetings! The meetings did help quite a bit at first, but I still had no idea who I was, I had a lot of resentments, guilt, & shame that I still was toting around in my head all the time.
After about 2 months of at least a meeting a day and following most suggestions given me I had one of those days...... you know, nothing going right, first one thing, then another, then came the straw that came very close to breaking the camels back! I was so furious that I slammed the steering wheel and said "Fxxx it!!! I need a drink!"
If there had of been a beer in the truck I would have drank it! My next thought was "Man do I want to throw away 2 months?", I grabbed my cell and started dialing, some one answered, we spoke, what he said I have no idea, all I know is I got by the moment with out drinking, but it scared the hell out of me!
I thought I was going nuts, thoughts were spinning in my head, anger, guilt, shame............... FEAR!!!! I hurt, I was in pain. I did recall one meeting where a guy asked "When should I take the steps?" an old timer, one that had the peace and serenity I wanted answered "When you want the pain to stop." The man who said this had always had a twinkle in his eye and just seemed to have his act together.
Well I damn sure wanted the pain to stop, I started pushing my then sponsor for us to start me taking the steps.... well he tried, but due to his job and all of the travel associated with it it was hard for us to get together to take the steps. I found another sponsor who did have the time.
There is the "Fellowship" of AA which is in the meetings and other social events, then there is the actual program of AA, that is contained in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. The meetings are where we share our experience, strength and hope with each other, it is where we learn how others have applied the principles of the steps in thier lifes to solve problems and live life on lifes terms.
The program of AA, the 12 steps are where I found the solution to my problems! Taking the steps with my sponsor resulted in me learning what my problems were, who I REALLY was, I learned where my character weaknesses and strengths were, I learned how to forgive myself as well as others, I learned how to make amends, I learned that I was NEVER alone as long as I maintained a solid relationship with my HP.
FS AA is what worked for me, but I worked it with EVERYTHING I had in me.
FS AA is not the only program of recovery out there, there are others, no matter which one some one chooses if they are not giving it their absolute all, if they are picking and choosing which parts of the program they chose to work and not work they are taking half measures. In many things in life half measures will get one half arse results, but when it comes to recovery from alcoholism or drug addictions half measures result in nothing!
FS there are solutions out there, but they ALL take work, constant work.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
What popped in my mind reading your post was like already said. I know for me I started looking for that same person I was before addiction. And I wasnt finding her either. Andthe reason for that is because that person doesnt exist anymore. I have changed alot since those days. And whether I would have had been lost in addiciton for 15 uears or not. I still would have gone through those changes and became someone else. Its just how it is as people get older and move on in life. Our likes and dislikes change. Our interests change. We change inside without relizing it.
So here I am left with nothing to search for but what use to be a raging drug addict.
Like Dee said. And it is so spot on. We rebuild ourselves.
And thats what you would have done had you not been lost in a bottle. Thats what 'normal' peopel do as they grow in age and experience. We just sorta left off where we picked up the addiction. So theres no area in between except that.
When I was in IOP one of councelor told us. When your going through a construction zone you need slow down. And the same goes for ourselves. We are a work in progress and we need to take our time.
You have think that we spent all that time in addiciton where most people do the necessary life changes and growing as humans and people. SO we sorta got stuck in a time warp I guess you could say.
So its sorta like quitting school and going back after years of dropping out.
Does that make any sense?
Anyway. Thats my take on it all.
We grow from this point on. We become someone new and different than we are use to. But to me thats the beauty of it. Cause now here we are presented with an empty canvas.
And we can make it anyway we choose.
So here I am left with nothing to search for but what use to be a raging drug addict.
Like Dee said. And it is so spot on. We rebuild ourselves.
And thats what you would have done had you not been lost in a bottle. Thats what 'normal' peopel do as they grow in age and experience. We just sorta left off where we picked up the addiction. So theres no area in between except that.
When I was in IOP one of councelor told us. When your going through a construction zone you need slow down. And the same goes for ourselves. We are a work in progress and we need to take our time.
You have think that we spent all that time in addiciton where most people do the necessary life changes and growing as humans and people. SO we sorta got stuck in a time warp I guess you could say.
So its sorta like quitting school and going back after years of dropping out.
Does that make any sense?
Anyway. Thats my take on it all.
We grow from this point on. We become someone new and different than we are use to. But to me thats the beauty of it. Cause now here we are presented with an empty canvas.
And we can make it anyway we choose.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
FS, thanks for your post, I really identified with it. It sometimes helps to know that someone out there is feeling the same way. (Not that I'm happy that you are having a tough time!!)
I've got about 5 months clean right now and have been feeling much the same way you describe. What I've found is that if you can just put your head down and "power through it" you usually come out the other side OK.
Being a Dallas Cowboys fan, I always think of Emmitt Smith and how he just used to put his head down, keep his feet moving, and power through the obsticles in front of him. He wasn't the biggest guy, wasn't the strongest guy, but he would out work and out will just about everyone on the field.
Though I'm not really a 12 step person, I find a good deal of wisdom in the programs teachings. "One Day at a Time" is probably my favorite saying. In the past I really didn't understand what this meant, but it rings so true to me now. If I can just get through the here and now, no matter how bad I feel, tomorrow is usually a better day, and if not, there is always the next day.
Hang in there FS. I think what you are going through is "normal" even though it is "uncomfortable". Just put your head down, power through it, and come out a better person on the other side. Take care.
I've got about 5 months clean right now and have been feeling much the same way you describe. What I've found is that if you can just put your head down and "power through it" you usually come out the other side OK.
Being a Dallas Cowboys fan, I always think of Emmitt Smith and how he just used to put his head down, keep his feet moving, and power through the obsticles in front of him. He wasn't the biggest guy, wasn't the strongest guy, but he would out work and out will just about everyone on the field.
Though I'm not really a 12 step person, I find a good deal of wisdom in the programs teachings. "One Day at a Time" is probably my favorite saying. In the past I really didn't understand what this meant, but it rings so true to me now. If I can just get through the here and now, no matter how bad I feel, tomorrow is usually a better day, and if not, there is always the next day.
Hang in there FS. I think what you are going through is "normal" even though it is "uncomfortable". Just put your head down, power through it, and come out a better person on the other side. Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Firestorm,
I felt like you feel, for a long time, way before I began drinking.
Recovery made it clear to me that I had to find some spiritual connection, a way to reconnect with my soul, with the real 'me'. Spending time by myself has helped.
I wonder if you have considered that you might be depressed. For me, the depression came first and I had to get that correctly diagnosed and treated. It was essential for me.
I felt like you feel, for a long time, way before I began drinking.
Recovery made it clear to me that I had to find some spiritual connection, a way to reconnect with my soul, with the real 'me'. Spending time by myself has helped.
I wonder if you have considered that you might be depressed. For me, the depression came first and I had to get that correctly diagnosed and treated. It was essential for me.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I understand wanting a bulldozer... I'm trying to dig out of the last three years of sh!t and need a bigger shovel. "One day at a time" is a good slogan, since we only get to live one day at a time. I have the problem of regretting the past and worrying about the future, so it's hard for me to just "stay in the moment", but it's something I'm learning to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Good Morning Sr Friends,
After a fitfull night's rest, I feel better. It's easy to lose track of one of the biggest things in my life today and that is that I'm not hungover. Today is day 39 without a drink, and that says alot to this ole drunk. I don't want a drink today, at least not now, and that's something really new, kinda exciting and scary at the same time. It's sunny and crisp outside, and promises to be a great day here in So. Cal. I'm making it my day to start construction, as Ashya and others have suggested, instead of wallowing in the mire, I'm going to get busy cleaning out the cellar, so to speak, and clean up this mess I've made of my life. I'll go slow, and try to do the best job I can, then be happy with that. It's not where you live or who you live with, it's how you live each day that matters most. Today I'm going to live the day the best I can, except maybe cheat on my diet alittle by going out for dinner tonight. I've lost 22lbs since my heart episode in June, and that's by not trying to lose it. Go figure, when I try to lose weight, I can't, but when I stop trying, the weight comes off. Is that another paradox? Oops, starting to complicate things again, best get busy doing something.
Thanks for all your help SR. You truly are a group of special people. From the heart.
After a fitfull night's rest, I feel better. It's easy to lose track of one of the biggest things in my life today and that is that I'm not hungover. Today is day 39 without a drink, and that says alot to this ole drunk. I don't want a drink today, at least not now, and that's something really new, kinda exciting and scary at the same time. It's sunny and crisp outside, and promises to be a great day here in So. Cal. I'm making it my day to start construction, as Ashya and others have suggested, instead of wallowing in the mire, I'm going to get busy cleaning out the cellar, so to speak, and clean up this mess I've made of my life. I'll go slow, and try to do the best job I can, then be happy with that. It's not where you live or who you live with, it's how you live each day that matters most. Today I'm going to live the day the best I can, except maybe cheat on my diet alittle by going out for dinner tonight. I've lost 22lbs since my heart episode in June, and that's by not trying to lose it. Go figure, when I try to lose weight, I can't, but when I stop trying, the weight comes off. Is that another paradox? Oops, starting to complicate things again, best get busy doing something.
Thanks for all your help SR. You truly are a group of special people. From the heart.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,889
I sure can relate too "digging down to the real person". Finding the real me is an ongoing process that will continue to develop as I reach deep down within the very core of my being. I like the idea that the observer effects the observed. I think this realization was confirmed from subatomic particle physics reasearch but feels like its true for my self-discovery work. As I undergo a profound psychical change as a result of working a personalized addiction treatment program, the way I look at myself changes the very nature of myself.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
That's what I did too. I started cleaning out all the "clutter" in my house. What a good feeling to open a drawer or a cupboard or go to the bathroom and not see all that "stuff" piled up and in disarray!
You are an awesome friend, FS! I'm so glad you woke to a glorious new day!
P.S..... I grew up in So. Cal. Glendale, Burbank, Holly-weird, Cyn Country, Sunland-Tujunga.... Valley Girl for sure! Lived out on the "rock", Catalina Island for a spell too. Where abouts YOU be?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
nicki, I'm closer to Palm Springs, out in the desert, between Palm Springs and San Bernadino. I've been to Cat Island and enjoyed a wonderful evening having dinner oceanside with a friend. Should go back there again soon.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
As rambunctous kids, we'd all caravan out to Salt & Sea and the Colorado River for a few days. Palm Springs is awesome. I bet you're a bit warmer than me right now! 6200+ elevation at lake level here on the south shore. A chilly, beautful morning!
Waiting for some of the heat to be sent my way 
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Sounds good FS. Just try and take things as they come and do the best you can.
Practice not perfection.
You sound really positive in that post. And I like that. Keep holding on to that positivity.
Our perception can make all the difference sometimes.
Practice not perfection.
You sound really positive in that post. And I like that. Keep holding on to that positivity.
Our perception can make all the difference sometimes.
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