Underneath
It always happens this way. I force myself to do whatever is necessary to stay dry for a few days, then the realizations of my life begin to creep back in mind and I feel like I've never really been happy and don't even know how to be. I know being alive does not come with any guarantee of happiness, but how do those people who are happy just to live day-to-day do it? I've tried every addiction I can handle, drinking, drugs, gambling, work, relationships, money, business ownership, staying isolated, getting out more, meeting new people then withdrawing from them, marriage, movies, education, cigarettes, coffee, you name the addiction, I've tried most of them. I'm always looking outside of myself for something to fill me inside. I've tried church, AA meetings, becoming a Christian, walking away from religion, walking away from AA, and bought and read most self-help books available, retraced my past, gotten in touch with my inner child, tried crushing my ego with gratitude and humility, and have only really succeeded in becoming more confused and bewildered. I've looked and studied family patterns, went to tons of codependency meetings, even became a mainstay at several, and then just tossed in the towel because I was dating the women in the meetings and was ashamed when I would look around the rooms and pick out several that I had dated and felt ashamed at being a person looking for myself in the arms of another. I've stopped going to local AA meetings for fear of running into some of the women I dated from there. I didn't plan to date anyone, it just developed and I never learned how to stay out of a relationship because I kept thinking that this one might just be the one I'd find happiness with. It never really worked for very long, then I'd ultimately end up alone and looking elsewhere for inner peace, which I've never really had. When sobriety became boring, my life became routine, I went to the bars seeking something, anything, to make me feel better, to feel like part of the human race, and when that didn't work, I'd try to get sober again. It seems I've lived my life looking for something I can't find. Maybe it only happens when we quit looking. I don't really know. I just know it seems I'm on a perpetual quest for peace, inner peace and it has always seemingly alluded me, regardless of my efforts to quell the inner turmoil I feel.
One thing my last drinking spree taught me again is that the answers are not in any bottles of booze I've ever tried, nor any drugs or other people. Now, it's boiled down to me, and I'm not quite sure how to begin finding some peace of mind, some relief from my inner drive to become someone. I've tried to become someone for so long I don't even know who the real me is. The real me is buried underneath all the years of addictions running rampant and I have alot of work to do digging down to the real person buried under all this weight. I wish I had a bulldozer handy.
Thanks for reading this, it helps to get it out sometimes.