Originally Posted by
Dee74 
I was obsessed with knowing - for me the obsession was tied into my need to control things...and if left unchecked it usually led back to the biggest control mechanism of all - the bottle.
D
I think this is what might be happening to me. I feel the need to 'know' everything because I want to somehow regain the element of control I lost during this drinking episode. I know for sure I have issues with control, and that's something I'll have to gain a better understanding of through some soul searching and therapy.
You're absolutely right though - there really is no point to trying to find out about what happened - what's done is done. That said, it's really hard to live with the mystery. Truth be told, this has happened to me a hundred times before, and somehow or another, things end up blowing over. I consider myself incredibly lucky. I know that this luck will run out one day - no lucky streak lasts forever. I guess I'm just horrified about the fact that it might have run out this past weekend. I'm mortified about the possibility that this time I pushed things too far.
The reality is, the only person that cares 100% about me, is me. I have a warm and loving family, but, their love, while unconditional, can be strained by my acts of self destruction. Beyond my parents, and a handful of caring friends, the rest of the world doesn't care - and why should they? The people I drank with last weekend have probably already forgotten about things, and if they haven't, they will forever think what they will think about me and that evening - there's absolutely nothing I can do about that now.
I guess I'm realizing that I have to take care of myself. At the end of the day - it's just me, and nobody else. No one will think twice about the promising young man who turns into a slurring stumbling drunk because they're busy living their own lives.
I think that self-improvement can't come from a fear of what others think about you - I think it has to come from a fear of what you believe about yourself and your actions. It's just hard to come to terms that this other side of me exists - one that is so reckless - someone who easily throws caution to the wind and doesn't think about the big picture.
The truth is, I don't want to die young. I don't want to die emotionally. I want people to respect me. If I keep drinking alcohol - I'll keep being an incredibly selfish person. There are people out there in this world who can see the 'real me' deep inside - and I bet they wonder why I'm not him.
I bet they wonder why I can't seem to care about the fact that they love me.