Alcoholism is a lonely place. I'm the verge of having my sister never speak to me again - and my parents becoming heartbroken all over again. The majority of my grad student friends don't even know I have a problem - I hope they never find out. It will be lonely not going to parties in the near future - It will be lonely completely socially disconnecting myself from everything that I know. I just can't imagine going to a party and having fun at it if I don't drink. I can't imagine my family would trust me to go anyhow.
I regret emailing and asking the people I drank with about, "what I did" - why did I put myself at their mercy? They could basically say anything, and I wouldn't be able to confirm or deny it - am I some kind of glutton for shame and humiliation? Shouldn't I just move on and thank God that I wasn't arrested for anything and somehow made it home to my bed that night?
Why am I obsessing? Why do I care so much?