Hiya Pam--Imagine "bumping" into you here! Awesome thread by the way. Since you know I am kinda sharing your boat right now, I'm glad you posted this question. Lots of great remarks.
My parents were both A's. Dad was seriously violent, beat the sh*t out of my mom what seemed like every day for years. I was the oldest and spent all of my time doing everything I could to stop the arguement from starting, (the start of my great ability to fix everything for everyone--hmmmmm.) My sister on the other hand, withdrew. When the screaming started she would hide in a corner of her room and pretend it wasn't happening. I NEVER saw that girl cry or show any emotion until she was almost twenty, and then it was me that made her talk about things and cry, because I had to "fix" her too. I remember us leaving ONE time for about a week during that time and I was happy. No stress, no worrying what was going to spark things off. It was just such a relief. Fast forward about twenty years. Mom and Dad had come to some sort of agreement, because there were no more bruises--still a ton of drinking--but in some bizarre way there sickness linked them I think, they needed each other. Mom passed away suddenly, and my father has never recovered. It's been four years now and he is still not right. He blames himself for her death. It has been so hard to watch. So, I guess for them and us it would have been healthier if they had just called it quits, but, who knows what would have been if they had split up?? Mom would have probably jumped right back on the merry go round and found another guy just like him, maybe worse--dad never touched us physically. Who knows what the new guy would have been like??
That may well be why I am having such a hard time saying it will definately be better for us to leave. My kids haven't seen physical violence. They hear occasional verbal crap, and they have seen a really goofy drunk guy come home. It is such a difference from my childhood, that I have to wonder if it really is that bad. (Of course it is, but you know what I mean). Here they have a nice home, mom's here every day and they want for nothing. Dad is rarely here and I hate to take away what good time they have with him, because like you if I call it quits it will be taken as an act of war. Don't know if any of this helps Pam, but I sure know where you are coming from.
Hugs,
Paula