feedback? Thanks all!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
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feedback? Thanks all!
I posted something similar over at the alanon site and just thought it might get good responses over here, too. I'm looking for some feedback on your thoughts about growing up in an alcoholic home. To go back, would you rather have had the non-drinking parent leave and take the kids and build one home without alcohol's presence, or are you glad your parent "stuck it out", or if your parent left, do you wish they had stayed?
I'm a non-drinking parent of three daughters. My oldest expresses often that she would like to me to leave with them. I'm very torn. I've been comtemplating this for a few months, have lived with it for over 10 years and found the progression of the disease is getting beyond what I feel I can live with. I love my husband, but I can't stay and watch him commit suicide with my endorsement stamped on his forehead. I'd really appreciate any feedback, don't feel like you are advising me. I've got tough skin, I can take whatever you have to say. Thanks so much.
I'm a non-drinking parent of three daughters. My oldest expresses often that she would like to me to leave with them. I'm very torn. I've been comtemplating this for a few months, have lived with it for over 10 years and found the progression of the disease is getting beyond what I feel I can live with. I love my husband, but I can't stay and watch him commit suicide with my endorsement stamped on his forehead. I'd really appreciate any feedback, don't feel like you are advising me. I've got tough skin, I can take whatever you have to say. Thanks so much.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
McTired,
I remember one Sunday my dad was reading the funny paper and started really laughing his a$$ off, my mom ran over to see what he was laughing at and she started laughing too. So, I went over to see what was so funny they pointed to the cartoon "Grin and Bear it" 2 guys sitting at a bar talking and one says "my wife and I would get a divorce if not for the kids; she won't take them and neither will I". From that moment on I felt very unwanted before I had my doubts and thought well maybe they love me. I always wished my parents would split up they hated eachother. My dad died at 47yrs old and I know he was very unhappy with his choices in life. His death was very agonizing to watch because he was not at peace going out. Both my parents had addiction issues my dad drank and my mom overate and both of them were acoa's both of their parents were alcoholics. They raised 3 crack addicts who are still active I am the only one sober.
Which one of your children will become the addict in your family? I truely believe my parents staying together is what resulted 3 crack addicts. Is this the choice you want to make for your kids?
Think about it I know you love them or you wouldn't be concerned about them right now.
I remember one Sunday my dad was reading the funny paper and started really laughing his a$$ off, my mom ran over to see what he was laughing at and she started laughing too. So, I went over to see what was so funny they pointed to the cartoon "Grin and Bear it" 2 guys sitting at a bar talking and one says "my wife and I would get a divorce if not for the kids; she won't take them and neither will I". From that moment on I felt very unwanted before I had my doubts and thought well maybe they love me. I always wished my parents would split up they hated eachother. My dad died at 47yrs old and I know he was very unhappy with his choices in life. His death was very agonizing to watch because he was not at peace going out. Both my parents had addiction issues my dad drank and my mom overate and both of them were acoa's both of their parents were alcoholics. They raised 3 crack addicts who are still active I am the only one sober.
Which one of your children will become the addict in your family? I truely believe my parents staying together is what resulted 3 crack addicts. Is this the choice you want to make for your kids?
Think about it I know you love them or you wouldn't be concerned about them right now.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
My parents stayed together and I sometimes wish they hadn't, not b/c of my dad's drinking, but b/c they just didn't seem very happy together. They aren't what I would call compatible, and it seems to me they both missed out on a lot of life by being in a mismatched union, not to mention the addiction and codependency issues.
My dad's sober now and has been for the past 13 or so years. They're still together and these days they seem to have a pretty peaceful life. I guess in spite of everything, I'm glad they stuck it out. I think I would have been a messed up kid whether they were together or not. Neither one of them had the right life skills to be effective parents, and were very compatible in their dysfunction, if that makes sense...
My dad's sober now and has been for the past 13 or so years. They're still together and these days they seem to have a pretty peaceful life. I guess in spite of everything, I'm glad they stuck it out. I think I would have been a messed up kid whether they were together or not. Neither one of them had the right life skills to be effective parents, and were very compatible in their dysfunction, if that makes sense...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
ouch
"Which one of your children will become the addict in your family?"
hmmmmm. that scares the _______ out of me. Lots to ponder.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your candor.
Pam
hmmmmm. that scares the _______ out of me. Lots to ponder.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your candor.
Pam
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I grew up as the oldest of 4 children, with my dad being the alcholic and my mom being sober.
In high school, I was in grade 11, my parents separted for somewhere between 6 months to a year. I was so glad when they seperated and discusted when he moved back home. I thought we would have all been happier if they had just stayed apart. My younger sisters however felt very differently than I did and were very relieved because they wanted their parents back together.
After that, my dad tried several times to quit drinking, but failed over and over. He was crooked when he was 'quit' and when he would fail he would fail miserably and slip into a depression (which meant even more drinking). It was a rough few years. And still I couldn't believe mom was still sticking around.
After about 3 years of this, my dad finally really quit drinking. He found AA and it really seemed to give him what he needed to stick with it. He has been sober for almost 4 years now. So much has changed now, he has changed so much. For years I thought I hated my dad, but now I realize it was only the booze I hated and he and I have a great relationship again. He and my mom get along so much better and I see that relationship still getting better all the time as I guess they are still healing.
Now, knowing how it all worked out, I am so glad that my mom stuck by my dad, because I really don't think he could have gotten sober without her support. And now, even though it was a long time coming, we get to have a pretty normal family afterall.
If my dad wasn't sober right now and you asked this question, I'm not sure what I would answer. I would surely say that she should have left for her own sake, it always killed me to see how hard dad's drinking was on my mom. But I think what you want to know is how would it have affect us, the kids.
I would have been fine if my parents had stayed apart when they seperated. I was 17 years old. I know it would have been hard for my younger sisters (who were 14, 11, and 3 at the time) to have their parents seperated, even if one was drunk all the time anyway. I don't know if they would have been better off in the long run for it or not. For the 11, and 14 year olds they already were exposed to the alcohol for long enough that it was going to effect them how it was going to effect them anyway. My youngest sister who was 3, surely would have been saved from having to grow up with alcohol being such a factor in her development, but then she would have being from a broken home to deal with.
I should say, that luckily in our family we didn't have the added factors of physical abuse or anything like that. Dispite my dad's drinking, he somehow still managed to make us feel he was proud of us and didn't put us down or anything like that, so we all ended up being pretty confident people dispite it all. We all have issues that go back to being raised in an alcoholic home, I myself am in counselling to work some of these out. But so far none of us have addictions and I don't really foresee any of us having them in the future. I know not everyone is that lucky.
So basically I guess I am telling you nothing. Sorry. But maybe in my ramblings I may have told you some little thing that can help. I think it is great that you have come to this forum, because living with an alcoholic parent does affect who you are, how you act and what you become in some cases. By educating yourself, hopefully you can identify some of this and help your kids deal with it as they age.
In high school, I was in grade 11, my parents separted for somewhere between 6 months to a year. I was so glad when they seperated and discusted when he moved back home. I thought we would have all been happier if they had just stayed apart. My younger sisters however felt very differently than I did and were very relieved because they wanted their parents back together.
After that, my dad tried several times to quit drinking, but failed over and over. He was crooked when he was 'quit' and when he would fail he would fail miserably and slip into a depression (which meant even more drinking). It was a rough few years. And still I couldn't believe mom was still sticking around.
After about 3 years of this, my dad finally really quit drinking. He found AA and it really seemed to give him what he needed to stick with it. He has been sober for almost 4 years now. So much has changed now, he has changed so much. For years I thought I hated my dad, but now I realize it was only the booze I hated and he and I have a great relationship again. He and my mom get along so much better and I see that relationship still getting better all the time as I guess they are still healing.
Now, knowing how it all worked out, I am so glad that my mom stuck by my dad, because I really don't think he could have gotten sober without her support. And now, even though it was a long time coming, we get to have a pretty normal family afterall.
If my dad wasn't sober right now and you asked this question, I'm not sure what I would answer. I would surely say that she should have left for her own sake, it always killed me to see how hard dad's drinking was on my mom. But I think what you want to know is how would it have affect us, the kids.
I would have been fine if my parents had stayed apart when they seperated. I was 17 years old. I know it would have been hard for my younger sisters (who were 14, 11, and 3 at the time) to have their parents seperated, even if one was drunk all the time anyway. I don't know if they would have been better off in the long run for it or not. For the 11, and 14 year olds they already were exposed to the alcohol for long enough that it was going to effect them how it was going to effect them anyway. My youngest sister who was 3, surely would have been saved from having to grow up with alcohol being such a factor in her development, but then she would have being from a broken home to deal with.
I should say, that luckily in our family we didn't have the added factors of physical abuse or anything like that. Dispite my dad's drinking, he somehow still managed to make us feel he was proud of us and didn't put us down or anything like that, so we all ended up being pretty confident people dispite it all. We all have issues that go back to being raised in an alcoholic home, I myself am in counselling to work some of these out. But so far none of us have addictions and I don't really foresee any of us having them in the future. I know not everyone is that lucky.
So basically I guess I am telling you nothing. Sorry. But maybe in my ramblings I may have told you some little thing that can help. I think it is great that you have come to this forum, because living with an alcoholic parent does affect who you are, how you act and what you become in some cases. By educating yourself, hopefully you can identify some of this and help your kids deal with it as they age.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Lonleygirl,
Your post reminded me of something about my mother. She never blamed my sister and I for her drinking. Once she got sober, she would always over apologize, but tell us that it wasn't our fault. I guess that was a blessing, that even as a child, I never thought that I was the reason she drank.
And as many times as I wished that my Dad would take us and leave her, in the end, I'm glad they stayed together.
I'll never understand their relationship, or how it lasted 54 years...but those two were good for each other. And they had some good, happy years at the end; before my Dad got sick and passed away.
Gabe
Your post reminded me of something about my mother. She never blamed my sister and I for her drinking. Once she got sober, she would always over apologize, but tell us that it wasn't our fault. I guess that was a blessing, that even as a child, I never thought that I was the reason she drank.
And as many times as I wished that my Dad would take us and leave her, in the end, I'm glad they stayed together.
I'll never understand their relationship, or how it lasted 54 years...but those two were good for each other. And they had some good, happy years at the end; before my Dad got sick and passed away.
Gabe
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
I guess there are a lot of mixed feelings about this. If my parents had split up (there were 5 kids in the 70s) we would probably have lived in a run down apartment and been poor. As it was we lived in a nice house with an abusive father. Mom tried welfare and they wouldn't help because they owned the house outright. Times were different. I used to blame my mother for not leaving him. Then I used to blame my father for drinking. The long and short of it is that I got out at 17. Left with a boyfriend who turned out to also be an A. I left him 3 months after our son was born. Would not go back home, because my A abusive father was still there and I did not want that kind of life for my son. I never cared for material things. My motto was always a house is not a home. Needless to say I am now married to an A. We have been together for 20 years and have another son. For 17 of those years he was a drinking A. He has been going to AA and not drinking for 3 years. He did not go to AA until he knew for sure that I was going to leave. I had threatened many times but this time he knew I was going. Hmmmm? I wonder if he would have sought help sooner if I had decided to leave sooner. I don't know the answer, but that is it. Sometimes I think my Mom should have left but now I can realize how hard it was for her. Still I do not think any children should grow up in an abusive family.
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Wow, you all, thanks so much for your honesty. It's given me lots to think about and despite the "rambling", lonely, that's exactly what I was looking for. I've been trying to decide when/if and the impact on my kids. The two younger ones would, indeed, suffer, but which would they suffer from most in the end..... those are the questions. My A is a great guy and a pretty good father when present. They love him, but my oldest is so resentful of the lies and the disappearing drunk syndrome. The verbal abuse was really bad for a few years, but seems to have stopped for the last 6-7 months when I decided that I had had enough and asked him to move out and he took me seriously. I guess leaving now is mostly because even staying together and modeling this "perfect family" in our community seems enabling, too. I've spun alot of plates to keep us "respectable and involved and looking pretty functional" and maybe the charade needs to end...... see, I'm rambling, too. But, again, thanks for responding, I'm taking all these wise words to heart and mulling them over. Bless you!
Pam
Pam
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
How old are your children?
Have you ever talked to them about the situation?
I think if you stay or if you leave, you should try to talk to your kids about what is going on. No matter what their ages, they know what is happening (at least on some level - depending on their ages). I wish when I was younger that I had had more of an understanding of what an alcoholic is, and that we as a family were more open about it with each other at least.
Again, this would have to be age appropriate and if you want to give the ages I could try to remember what I felt about it at that age and what kinds of things could help.
My dad being the 'alcoholic' was our family secret as it is for most. My dad was a successful businessman and without the drinking we were a pretty well off family in a lot of ways. I did everything in my power to keep people from finding out about his drinking, including lying to business people who would call by saying he wasn't home when he was in bed all day hungover. I really didn't want my friends to find out, or anyone for that matter.
But not only did we not talk about it outside the house, we didn't talk about it inside either, which made it a lot worse I think. The only conversation I remember having with my mom about it was one night when I was about 10 and waiting in the window past my bedtime for dad to come home. My mom came in and wanted me to go to sleep and when I told her I was waiting for dad she made some comment where she ended up referring to him as an alcoholic and I remember I was crushed and angry at her for saying that. Later I figured it out for myself of course.
I'm not angry at my mom for not talking to us about it, she was going through her own problems surrounding it and trying to deal the best she could to. But the result was that I grew up and as an adult found that I couldn't ever talk about my problems. All my problems felt like they have to be a secret and I would bottle stuff up. Last summer doing this sent me into a bad depression, spiraled out of control because I felt that no one could really care about me because they couldn't see how sad I was, while at the same time I was going out of my way to cover it up and 'fake' being happy. Eventually I saw a counsellor and since then I have been working a lot on recognizing the effect living with an alcoholic has had and me and working on overcoming some of them. But surely learning to talk about the things on my mind has really been the most healing thing I have done so far as it has opened the doors to healing everything else. If you could start talking to your kids now, maybe you could help prevent them from falling into the same trap.
Lonelygirl.
Have you ever talked to them about the situation?
I think if you stay or if you leave, you should try to talk to your kids about what is going on. No matter what their ages, they know what is happening (at least on some level - depending on their ages). I wish when I was younger that I had had more of an understanding of what an alcoholic is, and that we as a family were more open about it with each other at least.
Again, this would have to be age appropriate and if you want to give the ages I could try to remember what I felt about it at that age and what kinds of things could help.
My dad being the 'alcoholic' was our family secret as it is for most. My dad was a successful businessman and without the drinking we were a pretty well off family in a lot of ways. I did everything in my power to keep people from finding out about his drinking, including lying to business people who would call by saying he wasn't home when he was in bed all day hungover. I really didn't want my friends to find out, or anyone for that matter.
But not only did we not talk about it outside the house, we didn't talk about it inside either, which made it a lot worse I think. The only conversation I remember having with my mom about it was one night when I was about 10 and waiting in the window past my bedtime for dad to come home. My mom came in and wanted me to go to sleep and when I told her I was waiting for dad she made some comment where she ended up referring to him as an alcoholic and I remember I was crushed and angry at her for saying that. Later I figured it out for myself of course.
I'm not angry at my mom for not talking to us about it, she was going through her own problems surrounding it and trying to deal the best she could to. But the result was that I grew up and as an adult found that I couldn't ever talk about my problems. All my problems felt like they have to be a secret and I would bottle stuff up. Last summer doing this sent me into a bad depression, spiraled out of control because I felt that no one could really care about me because they couldn't see how sad I was, while at the same time I was going out of my way to cover it up and 'fake' being happy. Eventually I saw a counsellor and since then I have been working a lot on recognizing the effect living with an alcoholic has had and me and working on overcoming some of them. But surely learning to talk about the things on my mind has really been the most healing thing I have done so far as it has opened the doors to healing everything else. If you could start talking to your kids now, maybe you could help prevent them from falling into the same trap.
Lonelygirl.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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That's good input. We have talked about it alot depending on the age. My oldest is 14 and has the most understanding about what's happening, yet has the most resentment. She can't accept that he has no control over this and feels like he is constantly choosing alcohol over us. My 11 year old knows what the problem is but doesn't recognize the extent because he's been pretty good mostly hiding the problem from all of us (well, he THINKS he is), and my 7 year old is just sad when we talk about it and was devasted when he was asked to leave the house earlier this year for a few weeks. But we do discuss the disease factor of this, and the possibility of letting dad live somewhere else to figure out how he can best choose health, but still talking about something is a far cry from living with the decision of us living in relative poverty on our own. He too is the father that is pretty good at holding this all together and holds a respectable career and has been a pretty good dad. But even lately he's suffered some slips in those areas and I realize the progressive nature of the disease. I know he's trying and recognizes that he is indeed an alcoholic, but wont get into a program or do anything that would solidly identify that he's working toward recovery. My kids are all girls, too and I ache that they would go on to choose this type of marriage relationship from having witnessed and lived in this mess. Thanks for all of your feedback, it means the world to me,
Pam
Pam
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Well...
My parents separated when I was too young to remember and I have not heard from my biological dad since. Have no idea where he is or who he is. It bothers the hell out of me and I do hope to find him someday.
As far as your situation is concerned...from the perspective of a child of an Alcoholic...i must say that separations from the alcoholic especially when that person wont change and is not even remotely interested in changing is a positive thing. Seeing Mommie leave Alcoholic Daddy is not a bad thing. You show your strength and you will be an active agent in improving your life. Separation does not have to be permanent. If Dad gets his act together, maybe the family can get back together. If Dad doesn't, then the family will not have to suffer through his disease daily. Separation will give Mommie and the kids time to heal and learn more about the disease together. Keep in mind that distance does not have to be hostile or permanent. It is for your good and the children's good.
That is what I think about it. Distance from my alcoholic mom has made it much easier for me to heal and have a relationship with her.
Good Luck and God Bless,
~Def
My parents separated when I was too young to remember and I have not heard from my biological dad since. Have no idea where he is or who he is. It bothers the hell out of me and I do hope to find him someday.
As far as your situation is concerned...from the perspective of a child of an Alcoholic...i must say that separations from the alcoholic especially when that person wont change and is not even remotely interested in changing is a positive thing. Seeing Mommie leave Alcoholic Daddy is not a bad thing. You show your strength and you will be an active agent in improving your life. Separation does not have to be permanent. If Dad gets his act together, maybe the family can get back together. If Dad doesn't, then the family will not have to suffer through his disease daily. Separation will give Mommie and the kids time to heal and learn more about the disease together. Keep in mind that distance does not have to be hostile or permanent. It is for your good and the children's good.
That is what I think about it. Distance from my alcoholic mom has made it much easier for me to heal and have a relationship with her.
Good Luck and God Bless,
~Def
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
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[Keep in mind that distance does not have to be hostile or permanent. ]
Thanks Def, that's the important thing to focus on. Easier for me, however than for my A. He will definitely see this as an act of war. But I appreciate your perspective and will put your words of wisdom in my heart.
Thanks Def, that's the important thing to focus on. Easier for me, however than for my A. He will definitely see this as an act of war. But I appreciate your perspective and will put your words of wisdom in my heart.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Now you must keep in mind that you cannot control his actions. Only yours. And if the kids want to know why Dad is actin like a buffoon, you just tell them you dont know. Leave him in God's hand. Your are not responsible for his reaction. Remember to seek help if he gets completely out of control. You dont have to be hostile towards him and if he is towards you then just do not be that way in return, be on your way and keep it moving.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
You think I am wise?? (blushing and grinning) I think we all put so many boundaries on ourselves and not enough on the people around us. We have to explore all of our options with an open mind. One day I woke up and realized "Hey!! I dont have to deal with this!! I dont have to stay here anymore, there are options for me. I dont have to have such a tight grip on myself and loose one on everyone else. And hey!!! It is okay to take care of myself." It was such a revelation for me. Then there are other people who have no boundaries for theirselves and great big ones for everyone else...tsk tsk...humans are such complicated creatures...sorry about the tangent... 
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Hiya Pam--Imagine "bumping" into you here! Awesome thread by the way. Since you know I am kinda sharing your boat right now, I'm glad you posted this question. Lots of great remarks.
My parents were both A's. Dad was seriously violent, beat the sh*t out of my mom what seemed like every day for years. I was the oldest and spent all of my time doing everything I could to stop the arguement from starting, (the start of my great ability to fix everything for everyone--hmmmmm.) My sister on the other hand, withdrew. When the screaming started she would hide in a corner of her room and pretend it wasn't happening. I NEVER saw that girl cry or show any emotion until she was almost twenty, and then it was me that made her talk about things and cry, because I had to "fix" her too. I remember us leaving ONE time for about a week during that time and I was happy. No stress, no worrying what was going to spark things off. It was just such a relief. Fast forward about twenty years. Mom and Dad had come to some sort of agreement, because there were no more bruises--still a ton of drinking--but in some bizarre way there sickness linked them I think, they needed each other. Mom passed away suddenly, and my father has never recovered. It's been four years now and he is still not right. He blames himself for her death. It has been so hard to watch. So, I guess for them and us it would have been healthier if they had just called it quits, but, who knows what would have been if they had split up?? Mom would have probably jumped right back on the merry go round and found another guy just like him, maybe worse--dad never touched us physically. Who knows what the new guy would have been like??
That may well be why I am having such a hard time saying it will definately be better for us to leave. My kids haven't seen physical violence. They hear occasional verbal crap, and they have seen a really goofy drunk guy come home. It is such a difference from my childhood, that I have to wonder if it really is that bad. (Of course it is, but you know what I mean). Here they have a nice home, mom's here every day and they want for nothing. Dad is rarely here and I hate to take away what good time they have with him, because like you if I call it quits it will be taken as an act of war. Don't know if any of this helps Pam, but I sure know where you are coming from.
Hugs,
Paula
My parents were both A's. Dad was seriously violent, beat the sh*t out of my mom what seemed like every day for years. I was the oldest and spent all of my time doing everything I could to stop the arguement from starting, (the start of my great ability to fix everything for everyone--hmmmmm.) My sister on the other hand, withdrew. When the screaming started she would hide in a corner of her room and pretend it wasn't happening. I NEVER saw that girl cry or show any emotion until she was almost twenty, and then it was me that made her talk about things and cry, because I had to "fix" her too. I remember us leaving ONE time for about a week during that time and I was happy. No stress, no worrying what was going to spark things off. It was just such a relief. Fast forward about twenty years. Mom and Dad had come to some sort of agreement, because there were no more bruises--still a ton of drinking--but in some bizarre way there sickness linked them I think, they needed each other. Mom passed away suddenly, and my father has never recovered. It's been four years now and he is still not right. He blames himself for her death. It has been so hard to watch. So, I guess for them and us it would have been healthier if they had just called it quits, but, who knows what would have been if they had split up?? Mom would have probably jumped right back on the merry go round and found another guy just like him, maybe worse--dad never touched us physically. Who knows what the new guy would have been like??
That may well be why I am having such a hard time saying it will definately be better for us to leave. My kids haven't seen physical violence. They hear occasional verbal crap, and they have seen a really goofy drunk guy come home. It is such a difference from my childhood, that I have to wonder if it really is that bad. (Of course it is, but you know what I mean). Here they have a nice home, mom's here every day and they want for nothing. Dad is rarely here and I hate to take away what good time they have with him, because like you if I call it quits it will be taken as an act of war. Don't know if any of this helps Pam, but I sure know where you are coming from.
Hugs,
Paula
Rest In Peace
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Hi Pam,
Ive read alot of the post here but not all of them but I have to put my two cents in. I used to be a firm believer in "staying together at all cost for the children" Over the years however my views have changed somewhat. I believe now that " a parent should do whatever they have to do for the physical and mental well being of the children" We have to forget what's best for ourselves or our spouse at this point. Even if the kids have a hard time with the decision it is made out of unconditional love for them. And eventually that will shine through.(well Maybe) Even when children do not understand what's going on around them,the adult issues, they do understand unconditional love. Maybe not on a concious level at some points but it gets through. I cant tell you whether you should leave or not. Only you can do that. You know your childrenand their personalities and how they might be affected bt either choice. Again, the main focus is on there ability to learn that one or both parents love them unconditionally and that the chaos they feel(but may not be able to describe) is not their fault.
Good luck
---CRS
Ive read alot of the post here but not all of them but I have to put my two cents in. I used to be a firm believer in "staying together at all cost for the children" Over the years however my views have changed somewhat. I believe now that " a parent should do whatever they have to do for the physical and mental well being of the children" We have to forget what's best for ourselves or our spouse at this point. Even if the kids have a hard time with the decision it is made out of unconditional love for them. And eventually that will shine through.(well Maybe) Even when children do not understand what's going on around them,the adult issues, they do understand unconditional love. Maybe not on a concious level at some points but it gets through. I cant tell you whether you should leave or not. Only you can do that. You know your childrenand their personalities and how they might be affected bt either choice. Again, the main focus is on there ability to learn that one or both parents love them unconditionally and that the chaos they feel(but may not be able to describe) is not their fault.
Good luck
---CRS
Last edited by CRS3; 06-02-2004 at 07:55 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
Wow, your family sounds similar to mine. In my family we were also all girls, me being the oldest, and my sisters (except for your youngest) had close to the same age differences.
As the oldest child, I was also the most resentful of us all. At fourteen, the resentment was there and it continued to grow for the years to follow.
I agree with the replies that distance doesn't have to be hostile or perminent. When my parents did seperate, the actual leaving wasn't nice, but my parents talked and decided to seperate to see if things could be better if they weren't living together for a while. It was wierd because they probably spent more time together when they were split up then they did before he moved out. The family wasn't desolved, just living in two different houses and it was good in that we didn't have to put up with the daily alcoholic crap.
You said your husband admits to being an alcoholic. Are you able to talk to him about the effects it has on you and your children and maybe talk about alternative arrangements where you don't have to live with this everyday?
As the oldest child, I was also the most resentful of us all. At fourteen, the resentment was there and it continued to grow for the years to follow.
I agree with the replies that distance doesn't have to be hostile or perminent. When my parents did seperate, the actual leaving wasn't nice, but my parents talked and decided to seperate to see if things could be better if they weren't living together for a while. It was wierd because they probably spent more time together when they were split up then they did before he moved out. The family wasn't desolved, just living in two different houses and it was good in that we didn't have to put up with the daily alcoholic crap.
You said your husband admits to being an alcoholic. Are you able to talk to him about the effects it has on you and your children and maybe talk about alternative arrangements where you don't have to live with this everyday?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
there's been lots of talk, and lots of promises, and lots of almost kept promises. I do believe that he's trying and wants the best, then 2:00 p.m. happens, and ..... well, you probably know the rest. Just today he allowed my eldest daughter to go to a function that would mean he needed to pick her up at 5:00, well, now I know that that time is very "iffy" in this house as to what condition he is to be found in. So I share with him and her this morning separately that I will play back up because as much as I will allow him to face his own consequences, it will not be her expense or place her in danger. It just feels like there is one adult in this house and no partnership or shared companionship. It's wierd to love someone I have no faith in and can't trust to make safe/sane decisions even regarding his own kids. I try to just treat it as my choice as to not feel resentful, but even not feeling resentment doesn't stop me from just feeling plain lonely. We've discussed him sleeping elsewhere when he drinks, but once he starts drinking he no longer likes those boundaries, and I really am too tired to do the "stand off" and make a scene in front of the kids. It just really feels easier to realize that I am a single parent, I maybe just need to consider whether I make that a physical reality as well. The kids know the problems, but don't get the extent of it at all. They can't really tell when he's been drinking always and think he sleeps alot because of the nature of working a 24 hour shift, and being tired. But they know he struggles and he's promised them countlessly that "this time" he has as handle on it, and they are still young enough to believe him. When he "slips" they are always surprised: "but he SAID he was going to stop". It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I hear the same and believe nothing.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by McTired
It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I hear the same and believe nothing.
If it makes you feel any better, there is life beyond this. It just takes some time. Broken hearts take a while to heal, but they heal nonetheless.
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