Update: I need to empty my brain this morning because my stomach is all aflutter with this drama.
Last night, while I was putting baby to sleep, I heard tidbits of a hushed conversation my husband was having with his son, telling him to go look up the definition of alcoholism online; he believes that if his son looks up the disease, he'll realize that his father isn't suffering from it. I don't know what else was discussed, but I got the distinct feeling that he was trying to convince his son that because he holds down a good job, is well respected at work, doesn't come home drunk, that he’s not an alcoholic. Also, what most likely transpired was a warning of sorts: if you don’t keep this stuff to yourself, your mother will take you from me and you’ll be forced to go live in Toronto. God, what a heavy burden to place on his young shoulders.
Later on, my husband quietly told me that *I* was the one causing this drama, because I had revealed to his son that he’d had a panic attack as a result of not drinking. Again, I’m wondering if I should have said anything, but hindsight is 20/20 and I can’t change anything at this point. In any case, I was told that I have “no idea why the panic attack really happened” and that I need to keep MY negative opinions about his drinking to myself. This hushed conversation later continued in the bathroom while my stepson was doing his chores…again, hubby told me that he’s a good person, has held down a job, is excellent at it, etc etc (which I fully recognize and am very proud of him for!)…Furthermore, I was told that “everyone needs a vice”, which is supposed to be a justification for the addiction. Finally, I got drilled about WHO told his son WHAT, probably because he’s trying to blame me for “exposing” his son to false information. In the end, after being told that his son is concerned for his health and that HE was the one asking for information about Al-Anon, hubby told me that if he ever found out that I’m feeding his son information again, it would be “over between us”.
So be it. I didn’t panic, I just blinked and said “ok”. At this point, it might be better this way.
When 9:00 p.m. rolled around, my husband summarily announced that it was bedtime. I didn’t follow him into the bedroom because I thought he wouldn’t want to see me….I finally did go sit in bed with him but the conversation started up AGAIN. Ugh.
“I’ve done all these things for you (moved to Montreal, got a full-time job, left my friends behind, etc etc), and what have you done for me?”
“A lot of the same things.”
“Well, ok, if I quit drinking…no, if I REDUCE my drinking, what will you do for me?”
(Bargaining much??!)
“No that’s not how it works. You can quit drinking for yourself, if you want to, but don’t do it for me.”
“Ooooh, I see, that’s not it works” (Insert extreme sarcasm here) “And what will you do if I do that?”
“I’m going to work on myself, find what makes me happy and go do it.”
Silence
“Fine, forget I even offered.”
“Ok, I will.”
In retrospect, I’m rather proud of how I handled things. I didn’t get flustered. I didn’t get dragged into a fight, and I didn’t let myself get blamed for things that don’t belong to me. It was almost surreal because I started to see patterns of behaviour emerge and repeat themselves right in front of my eyes.
I went to bed later on and we both avoided each other.
Things are awkward now. He just gave me a peck on the lips this morning before leaving. He doesn’t email me at work. He doesn’t try to have sex with me. Our contact is at a bare minimum.
I’m wondering what I do now…this void between us is very uncomfortable and I’m almost itching to call him, or email him to apologize and “make things better” between us, just to kill the discomfort. It’s taking everything I’ve got NOT to do that, because I get the feeling that perhaps this discomfort is necessary. Perhaps it’ll help him realize how precarious things really are.
As for his son, I think I’ll just step back and wait for him to come to me. I’ll try to keep the door open for him and just work on my own journey. Maybe he’ll want to embark on his own, and maybe it’ll take a while before he does. Funny though, last night, while we prepared dinner together, he asked if I wanted to log onto the Al-Anon chat room before his father got home…