Faithfully,
I remember you posting...! We are only a ferry ride away, I am in Nanaimo. Hope you never feel again that you are not liked. This is to be a place where we can come and share all we want, get it out with people who understand. I can understand where you might have shyed away, some posts can feel very harsh and bold, "you do this or do that and if you don't then don't come crying back". Maybe without the exact wording, but in so many words that is how we can be left feeling. So take what you like and leave the rest.
You came here and opened up...a huge step! Reaching out for help! From everything you have posted, it is clear that you know it has gone way to far and you are in an emotional turmoil. This man is very very sick, it just seems like he has dragged you into his web, manipulated you, controlled you and convinced you that you are life or death to him. What pops into my mind is the man who took that young girl and hid her for almost 20 years. Some how he convinced her...she had chances to run, but she didn't. Others that they showed and interviewed that went through the samething said they were not locked up, he went to work, they just stayed where they were told, never to run.
I don't know or nor am I no expect, but to me it is a brainwash. Just like this man has done to you. You are not a bad person for the things you are doing, he has convinced you that is your job, you know it is not right, that is what has brought you here.
You are going to need some help, professional that can guide you. My biggest block that haunted me from even posting on here in the beginning is that I was being unfaithful, once I saw that I was just getting it all out and there was nothing unfaithful about it, it released a wall to the beginning of my freedom back.
Rose