codeine
i'm surprised i was ever sober for two days in a row, let alone 20. or 40 or whatever i pulled off last year when i wasn't counting. my own mind works against me--seems im destined to never win that battle.
but in my old posts when i did have htat much time sober, i couldnt believe how i was when i was drinking. i dont know what to make of that.
i'm up all night killing the pain of having my world fall apart on me again, codeine this time. dont know how many but 10 or 12 id guess. didnt even remember i had them until i was trying to decide what to do. couldnt focus on anything then i remembered the pill bottle. got it from a laden pallet fell on me and i never took them. dont like pills. didnt like pills. i gotta admit they did their job at first. numbed me to what was hurting me. but then i was just taking a couple more for i dont know why. now im just awake and wanna be asleep.
and all i can think of is what am i doing. i was going to be sober. but i wasnt going to be facing the dilemma im facing neither. this is the third time in about eight years i try for something put everythign in it and then at the end somethign comes out of left field and snatches it away from me.
and im justifying the codeine by the fact that it is something major. sometiems i dont know why i mess up this time i know too well. and im sick of workign for years at somethign and then have it fall apart in my hands.
gotta learn to just be happy im still alive. get a minimum job or something and stop trying cause thats when it messes up on me. i just cant be happy that way so i gotta learn to be. putting school ahead of everythign was easy cause i got nobody to talk to in this state, but i been mighty aware that im slowly dying inside without peopel around. id like to change that part of my life the most. i just need to get out of this state to do it. this bitterness in me is unfair to the good people of california, and i need to get away so i wont be so hateful.
oh Lord how did it get this bad. im too young to be thinking half the things im thinking and too old to have nothing and nobody.
sorry yall cant type any good right now. i just had that to say. its not really a question. i know i gotta sober up and figure something out tomrorow. i know i shouldna done it. i dont know what else i coudla done the way i was feeling. but it shouldnta been this.