Old 10-02-2009, 05:21 AM
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i'm surprised i was ever sober for two days in a row, let alone 20. or 40 or whatever i pulled off last year when i wasn't counting. my own mind works against me--seems im destined to never win that battle.

but in my old posts when i did have htat much time sober, i couldnt believe how i was when i was drinking. i dont know what to make of that.

i'm up all night killing the pain of having my world fall apart on me again, codeine this time. dont know how many but 10 or 12 id guess. didnt even remember i had them until i was trying to decide what to do. couldnt focus on anything then i remembered the pill bottle. got it from a laden pallet fell on me and i never took them. dont like pills. didnt like pills. i gotta admit they did their job at first. numbed me to what was hurting me. but then i was just taking a couple more for i dont know why. now im just awake and wanna be asleep.

and all i can think of is what am i doing. i was going to be sober. but i wasnt going to be facing the dilemma im facing neither. this is the third time in about eight years i try for something put everythign in it and then at the end somethign comes out of left field and snatches it away from me.

and im justifying the codeine by the fact that it is something major. sometiems i dont know why i mess up this time i know too well. and im sick of workign for years at somethign and then have it fall apart in my hands.

gotta learn to just be happy im still alive. get a minimum job or something and stop trying cause thats when it messes up on me. i just cant be happy that way so i gotta learn to be. putting school ahead of everythign was easy cause i got nobody to talk to in this state, but i been mighty aware that im slowly dying inside without peopel around. id like to change that part of my life the most. i just need to get out of this state to do it. this bitterness in me is unfair to the good people of california, and i need to get away so i wont be so hateful.

oh Lord how did it get this bad. im too young to be thinking half the things im thinking and too old to have nothing and nobody.

sorry yall cant type any good right now. i just had that to say. its not really a question. i know i gotta sober up and figure something out tomrorow. i know i shouldna done it. i dont know what else i coudla done the way i was feeling. but it shouldnta been this.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:38 AM
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just for today !! thats all we have.

keep trying.

god bless
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:46 AM
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hope thing get better for you TB!
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:58 AM
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I'm sorry Bubba, that you're feeling so discouraged.

Learn from what happened last night, and it doesn't have to happen again.
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:20 AM
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thank y'all

i hope so too y8, that things get better.

i always do hope. they sometimes get better but usually dont.

dont wanna do this again. i wanna sleep. and i dont wanna sleep.

but i need to.
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:55 AM
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Bubba if you are anything like me moving some where else did not help me ever, the reason being that even though I had left all of the problems I had created for myself where I left the problem was still there!!!! The probelm I discovered followed me where ever I went, the problem was me and in order to fix it I had to change me, because I could not run away from ME!
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Old 10-02-2009, 09:58 AM
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Taz, I don't mean to be--heck I can't think of the word--but I'm not trying to be difficult. But does that mean I should change myself until I have friends here? I don't understand. Even if I leave, I'm going to not have friends?

I'm ruined? That's what I honestly suspected until I went on a trip this summer, and hung out with more people in a week than I have over four years in California. Usually if it's a pattern, it's you. But in this case, I don't feel it is. And a couple of my teachers back me up on that one.

I know about the drinking, that'll follow me. And I don't know what got into me to take the pills. But I'm starting to despair that I can't do this without a support system of any kind--I get better and then I get bored. So, assuming I don't overdo it till June, and knowing I will by normal standards, I'm referring to nonreversible ones, I might move somewhere more hospitable. I don't really know. I still haven't had a free day to get to that meeting you suggested. Maybe I'll go and walk home tonight. Only about as dangerous as those stupid pills.

I hope having nobody to talk to doesn't follow me though. That would make live unbearable forever. The only thing keeping me going any type of way is that I get to leave in June... not being able to leave in June will leave me with few, if any, reasons to stop drinking, to be honest. I've been three/four years without human company, and I get to see others interact all day long. And I interact, but with people on a surreal kind of plane. They don't know me and if I mention anything about me (I got bold this week... mentioned something to someone I work closely with--nothing about all this, or that serious really--got a quizzical look and "yeah, that's not important. what do you think about...") It's slowly killing me... right alongside the whiskey.

I'm going back away now, I get the picture in general, and thanks to everybody. I just signed in 'cause this question was nagging at me.
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Old 10-02-2009, 10:54 AM
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TB you know what, i would love to hear that where you are moving to has a **** load of AA meetings that you could attend with people that have decent sobriety to give you a chance to have the life you really doesn't matter where it is you go but do keep it you need help and you won't be happy or keep anything until you do get it...i really hope you get a bit of luck and get to meet even one sober person in real life that you can look at and think wow ill have a bit of that:-)
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:30 PM
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I dunno what to tell you Bubba. I'm sorry for the troubles you're having. a great man once said, 'life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans'...Life is full of things coming out of left field for us all. I could write a book - I still might

It doesn't seem right to me that our response to that, as addicts, is most often to run away, to hide, and ultimately damage ourselves and dig ourselves deeper into the mire.

There's got to be better ways Bubba.

and please be careful with on down to Substance Abuse sometime and read around...codeine is a whole other world of pain just waiting to happen....

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Old 10-02-2009, 03:45 PM
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Dear Bubba,

Man...I'm so very sorry that things are so down and yucky for you still. I will pray for you that things will improve. I don't have any fabulous advice to offer you but wanted to offer my care and concern for you as a friend. How bout come to our meeting tonight? It's in just over 2 hours from now.

Love Pancake xo (((((Big Hugs)))))
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:15 PM
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TB, any chance you can transfer your university/college credits to a school in a State where you already have family and friends? i.e. a support network?

If this is an option, can you start putting a plan together for this to happen?
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:29 PM
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I am in cali, pm me if your close to santa barbara and we can have coffee or ice cream, Im nice!!

I also attended an AA meeting here, and I was really surprised at how animated and laid back the people were. The didn't care that I wasn't interested in steps and sponsors, that I was just checking them out, they were still very welcoming. Try it
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:23 PM
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To find people who understand and support you
who will listen and not deminish your concerns

I'm still recommending AA for you.
Prayers for your well being coming your way.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:56 PM
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Well, I did some math. Fun. I think I can make it and keep the judge happy for some of it, it'll leave me about 200 till January. Oh, the financial aid people found out they owe me about 500. I get it next week. They're sorry, according to them.

I am too close to graduation... and truth is, it's been such a bad experience if i did move, i probably wouldn't want to go to school again. Might as well just do it now.

I would love for a AA meeting to be supportful. We don't have them on campus, used to, but no more. I was reading what Dee suggested, and I thought, maybe they have NA in this town. They do, on Saturday. If I'm good enough tomorrow, I'm gonna try and go to that or AA in the next town.

ohhhh... codeine withdrawals are worse than alcohol. except for the seizure part. i keep throwing up and i'm having cold sweats. ugh. i feel miserable.

Yeah, I reckon I don't make a lot of sense today. But somehow in the cloudy part of my brain I remembered my motivation. I'm mostly just reading stuff right now. I'll be at the meeting in 9minutes.

I thank everybody who didn't give up on me, plus I thank me, since I did give up on me, and I need all the support I can get--even if it's from me.

TB, has to throw up again.
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:13 PM
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oh TB im so sorry, this is happening, what is it with the people where you are? are they just all unfriendly or something (i might of missed something in another post).it seems like from you last post that you have found some hope which is fantastic, so stick with it and dont give up!!!!!!!!!

thinkin of ya!!
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:11 PM
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..hang in there..
..a few days ago i was in your shoes..
..but once again,sr supported me and now i'm heading in the right
love back atcha...Ozzy..
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:19 PM
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That's a giant hug for you. Please take care of yourself. Please. No more codeine.
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:25 PM
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I really feel for you sweetie, codeine is a nasty drug and I'm still battling it.

Stay away from the pills the last thing you need is a full blown addiction to them.

Hang on in there, things will get better for you, you deserve it.

So Much love,

Faerie xx
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:32 PM
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Thank y'all... I am hanging in here. But, no lie, if there was a way to get through this faster--even involving alcohol--I'd take it.

This is living Hell.

Why do they say alcohol withdrawals are worse? I only was popping pills for a day, and this is bad... mighty mighty bad, I gotta say.
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:51 PM
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just keep hanging in there TB,,ive never been addicted to painkillers so i dont know what i can say..... but it will pass ok just hang in there
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