Wuzzled, I am going through the same thing. Just about the time someone compliments me on being strong and making progress, I backslide into crazy, emotional draining, dizzying anxiety. I worry and fret and wring my hands and think up the craziest scenerios. I hate not knowing what my AH is doing or where he is but like a friend pointed out....say I find him....what do I do then? The answer is nothing. I do nothing. I can't control him or his addiction and I have to force myself to move out of the way. I always get in the way.
"Its so easy to get caught up in other peoples lives. Assuming we know what's best for them seems so natural. Many of us have excelled at being caretakers, buts it's time to back off and let your loved ones fend for themselves. That means letting them make their own decisions and live with their own consequences."
"We can't change other people. Certainly we have made other feel guilty enough so that they have give in and done things our way. And we have won many power struggles. But ultimately, we can't claim ownership of anyone else's mind, and we aren't the stewards of anyone else's life. We may feel diminished by our lack of control initially, but in time we will love the freedom of living only our own lives. The extra time we'll have and the peace we will know will comfort us."
"I will experience many moments of releif and peace when I let others be their own stewards"
Here's the irony - this hangs on my wall at work. My husband printed it off FOR ME from a Hazeldon e-mail. He wrote our names across it and dated it 5/29/09. He relapsed in July. A month later he was homeless. He is actively using and living on the streets. I read this out loud to myself every day after I pat myself on the back for making it to work at all when all I want to do is try to find him and confirm he's even alive.
This is hard stuff we are dealing with Wuzzled! It consumes us if we allow it to. Don't beat yourself up. I happen to have a great accountability team in place that I can call any time I'm feeling like I'm loosing my mind and want to go to the crack neighborhoods showing his picture or knocking on doors. I want to do these things even though I have a restraining order. Guess who goes to jail if I DO find him? That's right. Me. It's not worth it.