You are not alone. Part of my recovery was disocvering how out of control I can be, saying one thing, doing another. Life is too short and I am too busy to live a double life. Angel or devil, you sort of have to decide. Are u the world best and most elusive secretive drinker? Probably not. If u are like how I was, I got a kick and a rush out of being able to deceive people into think your doing fine and well. But, you are really just deceiving yourself. Who cares whether u drink again? you're already expected to fail. Might as well fail, right? Its not a failure if ueventually learn from it, though. Just a quetion of how many and how seious the failure have to be in order for you to develop enough desire not to fail.