Hi and welcome. You've come to a good place full of good people and a lot of support. I played the same game for a long time until I was forced to look it in the face. In learning a bit more about alcoholism - there's the word - I learned that for whatever reason my system cannot tolerate alcohol and never will be able to. Instant idiot, just add alcohol. There's no shame in being unable to tolerate the stuff, but once we realize it, we have to take steps to make sure we don't ingest the stuff. You're on the right path. SR is a great place to be.