As ever, thanks Dothi
Originally Posted by
dothi 
It's so hard not to take it personally. After all, we're surrounded by messages in society about how core family is. What's supposed to be a source of strength for us is now a sink, leeching our strength from us
This Is such a hard lesson to unlearn... but at least I recognise it now. I have always felt that the rest of the world "got the best" of my alcoholic family and I was always left to support them, take care of them and mop up their sh*t. My family seemed to have it all back to front - I used to look on in amazement at the "show" my AF, alcoholic brother and codependent mother could put on in the presence of other people and I was always waiting for "my turn" which of course, never came or was never enough.
Originally Posted by
dothi
Oh man, I am still having these thoughts too - these extreme feelings of how-can-I-be-so-worthless when I know deep down I should be valued for how hard I've worked to be a "good daughter". It feels like if I'm getting nothing for all that then I must be worth nothing. 
I am always amazed in spite of everything I have done and achieved (and believe me, I am an over-achiever+++ and have achieved SUCH A LOT) that I can feel so useless. My sense of self-esteem and self-worth is non-existent. When my own family or work colleagues praise me or validate me, it seems to bounce off me - I guess because I am still looking for praise and validation from my mother and my alcoholic family. At least I now recognise that this is what I am looking for and that it will NEVER happen or if it does happen, the pay off for scraps of validation is further emotional pain and damage to me.
The flip side of this is if anyone criticises me it cuts me to the core and I go into headless chicken mode running around trying to do better and make amends - oh yes, my alcoholic family have done one hell of a head job on me.
Originally Posted by
dothi
But I think GiveLove is closer to the truth - their behavior is not a reflection of you. Even if this does take a long time to grieve, process, and accept. They could be doing this to you, the girl next door, the woman at the checkout, etc. Push come to shove, they need someone to fill in this role. It's part of the addiction. It's not you.
I have finally recognised that I need to stop defining myself in terms of my unhealthy alcoholic family. My family of origin is NOT the perfect, wholesome family portrayed in our society's idealised myths and fantasies. It never was and it never will be. The truth is that it was / is a lot, lot worse than my mother chooses to remember / believe.
I need to work on defining myself in terms of me and if I need validation, I need to choose healthy people and STAY AWAY from unhealthy people - small steps, one at a time.
IWTHxxx