Rushl

i am sssooo sssooo sorry for your loss.
if only it were that easy and someone could tell us how to feel that would be geat. all the years you spend worrying about your mother, where is she, what is she doing, is she okay, when will this end, ect. you think you will feel relieved once she has passed on to a life where there is no addiction however, it is the opposite (for me anyway). my mother passed away in jan of this year from years of alcohol abuse and i've felt anything but relieved, in fact i have no peace with her death whatsoever because i am overwhelmed everyday with guilt and not knowing if she knew how much i loved her becasue there came times when i had to show "tough love". this is very very hard and there is alot of baggage when you lose a parent that is an addict. i only hope your journey is easier than mine and that you do find peace knowing that things are much much better for her now. no sickness, no addiction, only peace, probably the peace she looked for everyday... i know my mother did. may be selfish but part of me would do anything to have her back.
i will not sit here and lie, some days are plain miserable. the pain gets unbearable and i just feel really really sad, consumed with thoughts of my mom... did she understand why i did what i did, does she know how much i loved her, could i have done anything to make her stop, why didn't i embrace her when i should have, what was i thinking to be so hard on her and not understand her more, i should have taken more time to try and help her. truth is, their addiciton is not our fault but it is just as much our problem as it is theirs and i haven't found a book yet that helps you grieve and get through the loss of a parent who had an addiciton. (if anyone knows of one please let me know). i try to educate myself and stay positive but its hard, somedays impossible.

talk to someone, anyone, don't hold feelings in. it will help when you let it out. i wish you all the luck and blessings and hope you are okay.
hugs! Rush