For those who don't know my story, AH and I have been seperated since December.
I had been feeling for a while like I had one foot tied to the past (AH) and one moving forward. I posted about his a while back. And then HP stepped in and AH got his 4th DUI. He has been suspended from work with pay. The circumstances around the DUI involved him leaving me an unsettling voicemail and I called the police. Then he came over to my apartment unannounced and when I didn't answer the door he sat on my back porch. I called the cops again and he was initially arrested for driving on a suspended license, but something else must have happened cause id officially charge was DUI.
After this event I was shaken, but I was also glad that HP had stepped in and revealed this to me. I felt like my foot that was stuck in the past was finally free! I went to talk to my pastor about the situation and told him I was done. I told him I shouldn't have to feel afraid of my husband. He said that I should file for an order of protection and hopefully AH would file for divorce so I wouldn't have to??
Ah is now in OP recovery. He pretty much has to do it or his parents will be done with him (they are the ones who bailed him out...) So he ahs lost his kids and me, he might lose his job, and well, he is most likely going to jail.
Why can't I divorce him? Why can't I call my lawyer and tell him to change the legal seperation to divorce? Is it because the dust has settled? Am I in that part of the cycle?? It is my promise to God that is keeping me married to him. It is the fact that I have two children with him and another from a previous relationship.......It makes me feel like how many times am I going to get this wrong?
I know being a martyr is not what I want. I get so confused with the religious part of it all. I started a Divorce care class this week and I hope I can find the answers that I am looking for there.
I think in a way I want permission, I want God to tell me "It's ok". I hate the way divorce is perceived, as something that is done willy nilly. Like someone wasn't able to be patient or loving enough. That if they had only "tried harder" they could of worked things out.
Okay I don't know what I am asking for here. Maybe just a little support. I appreciate you all more than you know
