Divorce, why can't I do it?

Old 09-18-2009, 07:56 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
I'm growing
Thread Starter
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Divorce, why can't I do it?

For those who don't know my story, AH and I have been seperated since December.

I had been feeling for a while like I had one foot tied to the past (AH) and one moving forward. I posted about his a while back. And then HP stepped in and AH got his 4th DUI. He has been suspended from work with pay. The circumstances around the DUI involved him leaving me an unsettling voicemail and I called the police. Then he came over to my apartment unannounced and when I didn't answer the door he sat on my back porch. I called the cops again and he was initially arrested for driving on a suspended license, but something else must have happened cause id officially charge was DUI.

After this event I was shaken, but I was also glad that HP had stepped in and revealed this to me. I felt like my foot that was stuck in the past was finally free! I went to talk to my pastor about the situation and told him I was done. I told him I shouldn't have to feel afraid of my husband. He said that I should file for an order of protection and hopefully AH would file for divorce so I wouldn't have to??

Ah is now in OP recovery. He pretty much has to do it or his parents will be done with him (they are the ones who bailed him out...) So he ahs lost his kids and me, he might lose his job, and well, he is most likely going to jail.

Why can't I divorce him? Why can't I call my lawyer and tell him to change the legal seperation to divorce? Is it because the dust has settled? Am I in that part of the cycle?? It is my promise to God that is keeping me married to him. It is the fact that I have two children with him and another from a previous relationship.......It makes me feel like how many times am I going to get this wrong?

I know being a martyr is not what I want. I get so confused with the religious part of it all. I started a Divorce care class this week and I hope I can find the answers that I am looking for there.

I think in a way I want permission, I want God to tell me "It's ok". I hate the way divorce is perceived, as something that is done willy nilly. Like someone wasn't able to be patient or loving enough. That if they had only "tried harder" they could of worked things out.

Okay I don't know what I am asking for here. Maybe just a little support. I appreciate you all more than you know
Daisy30 is offline  
Old 09-18-2009, 08:19 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I support you Daisy.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this decision.

Do you feel like having a little Friday night fun?
You said: I want God to tell me "It's ok".

Remember George Burns as God? He says "It's okay"



I really do hope that you find peace! Hugs to you!
Pelican is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:22 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Daisy, you say that, "It is my promise to God that is keeping me married to him."
Marriage is a CONTRACT between bride and groom, and is made "in front of GOD", not "to him".

Did your AH promise to love, honour and cherish you? Did he keep those promises?
What about "forsaking all others"?

Were his vows, " I promise to love, honour and cherish you, but I love, honour and cherish my mistress, Alcohol more than you", and "forsaking all others, except bar staff, other drinkers and bar friends, women who interest me when drinking, and anyone who enables me to keep drinking".

Does it matter whether others divorce easily? You know what you have endured and how hard you have tried to make your marriage work, and why it has come to this.

You meant your vows to your husband and were faithful to them, unfortunately he has not kept his word to you. There is no part of any marriage service that says a wife or husband must stay in a miserable union, where their spouse constantly drinks, is neglectful of their well being, and is likely to kill someone driving drunk.

You have God's permission to leave this union, and to legally protect yourself and your children from the harm of being around an alcoholic. The safest and best way to do that for you all, would be by divorce.

Please don't feel ashamed or guilty about having to take the steps you have to protect your family from alcoholism, just hold your head high knowing you did your best.

God bless
Jadmack25 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Daisy30 View Post
I think in a way I want permission, I want God to tell me "It's ok". I hate the way divorce is perceived, as something that is done willy nilly. Like someone wasn't able to be patient or loving enough. That if they had only "tried harder" they could of worked things out.
I support you Daisy. I know how hard it was for me to make the decision to divorce after a 20 year relationship, 18 married. I am 15 month divorced after a 12 month separation, so over 2 years and almost everyday I am making connections that heal me further. Something this large is a process and it will take a long time for me to heal and get healthy again.

Do you think you are not done yet? It is Ok for this to be on your timetable and you don't need anyone's permission or approval. Perhaps "people pleasing" run amok, may be causing a problem because it doesn't matter what "they" think about divorce and if " they" think you tried hard enough or not. YOU DID TRY YOUR BEST UNDER ATTACK AND WHILE BEING TAKEN HOSTAGE BY AN ALCOHOLIC. The key player, and what matters here is Daisy taking the best care of herself as she can.

Sending hugs. :ghug3
Chrysalis123 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:05 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I'm growing
Thread Starter
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Thank you for your thoughts! I really never tought about it as people pleasing....very interesting. I also think it is the death of a dream or "what could have been". But as my dad used to tell me "Coulda, shoulda, woulda, never was"
Daisy30 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:14 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
I hope you're able to find some peace with whatever you decide.

For me, I have a problem with finality, the finality of it all just means so much in my mind. If it's final, there is no more hope (at least in the same way) but it also means no more disappointment (in the same way.).

And to be honest, and I realize this is my sickness....I get scared he'll find someone else. Silly isn't it? EVEN if he stays the exact same, I get worried he'd find someone else.

Sometimes I think of some of my sick thoughts and laugh....I can't believe how diseased my mind has become.
rainbow123 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:16 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm glad you still like to laugh!

I have thought more about your reservations to petition for divorce. I too had reservations because divorcing my AH was not my first experience with divorce.

I needed to examine my fear of divorce. For me, the fear was really about shame. I was considering staying in a miserable marriage with an active alcoholic because of the shame of another marriage ending in divorce.

I had an underlying fear of not being accepted by others.

The shame of not being accepted almost kept me in an alcoholic marriage and almost kept me in isolation after I began to take steps to end the marriage.

Look into your Alanon literature, and search here at SR. Look up shame.

Feelings of shame are part of our recovery. When we are aware of them, and accept them, then we can begin to take healthy actions in recovering through them.
Pelican is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 10:26 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh my goodness.
I am seperated from my AH. I have a previous kid from another marriage and two wtih my current husband. I am struggling with letting go as well. I know what to say with others, know what I should do yet am faced with confusion about my feelings and fear.

I pray we can all find peace and can move forward.
transformyself is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 10:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm twice married and twice divorced. Hubby #1 divorced me, and rightfully so because I was a flaming alcoholic/addict.

Divorce #2 was initiated by me because I had finally found recovery from my own alcoholism/addictions, and hubby #2 was still active in his.

God doesn't love me any less.

What I see as true failure is staying in a marriage with an addict/alcoholic for years and years, and allowing children to grow up in that environment. That's how the cycle perpetuates far too often
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 02:11 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Daisy,

I even have a hard time leaving because of that. I really want to do what God would want me to do! Not only that this is my second marriage to an addict. I leave and look a two time looser!!! I've prayed and asked to be delivered. I've asked where is my Lord! Had he forsaken me? What could I do different? I mean I really haven't done everything perfect. I do have some part to play in all of this to be honest.

Joyce Meyer (a wonderful Christian teacher) has a set of CDs you can get on codependancy and it really helped me see God and balance. Look her up on the web. I also have to look at this and say that I can't fix this on my own. My AH needs to want to change; if not I need to step out of the way and let God be God and handle him. I am not Holy Ghost jr (learned that from Joyce) and I shouldn't be thinking I hold it all together, I really control just about nothing...

As I tell you this, I must admit, I am on the phone to the 700 club constantly for live prayer day and night; just because I'm preparing to leave. I know in my heart I have stayed too long; like you know your done. But I just wish I had that "OK" from God... I mean just send me a post card or something...LOL!

Hang in there... I'll be praying for you... I'm with you on how hard this all is...
HUGSSSS!!!!!
brundle is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 03:32 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Awakening
 
coyote21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Hey Daisy,

I love talk radio, and my favorite champion of kids and dads is Dr. Laura. She has her own version of the 3 "A's":

Adultery, Abuse, Addiction.....any one or combination of those 3, renders "wedding vows" null and void. Oh, you can still stay and try to work stuff out, but you are no longer "required" to.

Oh and Pelican's ref to George Burns as God, I can almost literally see and hear him rasp....... "It's O.K." Funny is good. Thanks P!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
coyote21 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:42 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
I'm growing
Thread Starter
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I just love all of the responces, Your ESH means so much to me.

I will definately look up shame in my al-anon lit. I wonder if that isn't part of it for me.

I will also look into the Joyce Meyer tapes. I was just having a conversation about her the other day with an al-anon friend

I do better when I think about it like this, We can always get re-married later on if he finishes treatment, stays in recovery, and we are able to work through our issues.

Part of me regrets that I didn't put more thought into my wedding vows to begin with. I heard something today on the radio that said "Sometimes you meet/date a guy that is great and you have a good time together, but that doesn't mean it is a good relationship for a marriage". I really had to think about that one.

As I am sitting here thinking, If we stay married, what would that look like? I know that I would not move back in with him. It is not a healthy place for me and/or the kids. It would be a good year or two of hard work before we could live under the same roof. That would be the best case scenerio, right. In another scene his addiction could live on. and We would not ever get a chance to work on our issues. It feels really selfish to say that I don't want to waste any more time on this.

How is it possible that when I went through this with my older dd father (almost 12 years ago) that it was so much easier for me. So much more cut and dry? Was it b/c there was physical abuse? Was b/c we weren't married? Sometimes I wish I could talk to the girl I was then

Maybe my problem is that I am trying to make a decision today and predict the outcome of tomorrow. I need to stay in today.....
Daisy30 is offline  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:44 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
I'm growing
Thread Starter
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Oh and Pelican's ref to George Burns as God, I can almost literally see and hear him rasp....... "It's O.K." Funny is good. Thanks P!
I know that one made me laugh too!!
Daisy30 is offline  
Old 09-20-2009, 07:22 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Getting Over It
 
daisyjen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Wow! This thread is what Ive been needing. I also want a bop in the head from GOD, telling me its ok, that its enough already!!

I am the goody goody, always doing the "right" thing so that others approve of me, but especially to please GOD.

The question is need to keep asking myself is, am I pleasing God by not protecting my children and myself in every way possible??

Thank you, thank you for all who have posted here.
daisyjen is offline  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:24 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
Daisy30,
I am also going through the divorce question. My lawyer says file, I say, I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. My therapist said that after I have finally expressed my feelings of hurt and anger to my AH, then I will know what to do. In the meantime, I stand with one foot in and one foot out. My husband on some days is the guy I used to know, and others he is someone I don't recognize. Luckily, I still feel like I know myself...and if you know who you are and who you want to become on your own, then whether you divorce or stay legally separated, your path should slowly become clear to you.

You are not alone.
HanahGoodness is offline  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
Are you living the life God wants you to live? Doesn't God want you to be happy, joyous, and free? What would God tell you to do?
worthyoflove is offline  
Old 09-21-2009, 08:07 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to do either. My husband is not drinking right now. He had some blips and seems to be back on track now but who knows.

If I worked hard enough at the marriage counseling he wants, this marriage would probably work as long as he doesn't start drinking again. He is not a bad person. I just plain don't want to work on it. I don't want to forget/forgive the past. I don't want to risk the future. I want to be alone. I am having a really hard time accepting that. That doesn't seem right. That seems selfish on a destructive level, not a taking care of myself level. I don't know.

I think I'm probably worse partner material then he is and he's the alcoholic. If he had a group like this I'm sure they'd tell him to kick my ass to the curb and never look back.
Thumper is offline  
Old 09-21-2009, 08:26 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
kotabear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: around the riverbend in the boonedocks, USA
Posts: 56
I seperated from my AH for almost three years before filing for divorce. It was a hard thing to do. I didnt' want to, but I felt there was no other option. He had went threw the hospitals, and recovery centers. He still drank, he wanted to die, he wasn't working, and up keeping the house that we had bought, and I moved out of, he was seeing a woman as well, that broke my heart.

All cause I won't come back to live in that mess!

I had a real hard time with the religious aspect of it as well. I hope maybe this helps:
What does the Bible say about spousal abuse?

It did me a bit.

good luck and many blessings to you on your journey,
Kota
kotabear is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:46 AM.