When I was suffering depression and feeling as lonely and miserable as it was possible to be, I also thought my ABF was quite happy and content in his life, cause that it how he acted.
He was sober, the horses he backed won for him, he bought new clothes, a new TV, and could easily laugh and joke with friends.
I felt like he had confessed his lies and cheating to me and was totally absolved from any feelings of guilt or remorse, whilst I carried the burden of it in my heart and mind. He even told me that he needed a break from seeing me, because I "had lost my sense of humour, was no fun anymore and my not eating upset him".
It was only last year, 4 years after that terrible time occurred that he told me he had never before felt so miserable, and was loaded down with disgust and guilt at what he had done to me.
The feelings of worthlessness, of being ugly, unwanted and unloved were with me day after day, and night was no blessed relief either. Bed was a place I lay, scared to sleep because I would have horrid dreams, over and over again, of events that replayed in my mind. The only good I got from it was losing weight, but I also nearly lost my mind and actually contemplated suicide.
We had a 6 month break, and tho he has been sober for most of the past 5 years, he has had a few relapses, the last being November when I went NC after telling him I was no longer his enabler or nurse. He went for help and is still in recovery, and so am I.
It was reading on this site, that gave me the tools and strength to place MY needs first, for once, set MY boundaries and let him know what they are. For this I am so very grateful to those who tell their stories so honestly, and show others the way.
God bless