Originally Posted by
breakingfree88 
I hate all the spy work I did, knowing things about him that I had NO RIGHT to ever learn (provided he didn't share it with me willingly). While looking for signs of him using I would always run across private things that I felt so horrible that I found. Old emails, etc. before I was even in the picture.
Addiction is 100 percent crazy making for me.
oh, you have no idea how much this hit home for me. even though i believe i did find out stuff i needed to know, knowing caused me so much more pain, i've been emotionally tramatized. i was always told that if you go looking under rocks, that i was bound to find something, how true and unhealthy that was for me and my family. looking back, my co dependant behavior caused almost as much damage to me and my family as did his addictive behavior. today i can take it for what it was, a lesson learned, one that i don't want to repeat.