Hi all, I'm at a loss. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I find myself in a spot where I didn't want to be.
Yes I had detatched from the abf.
Yes--- you were all correct, he reigned me back in when he felt me slipping away, by pronouncing that he was going to kick his pill habit and needed my help.
Yes, I caved in and 'helped' him.
Yes he made it 5 whole days.
and finally yes, I knew it the second he went back.
Well, he's being smart enough to 'only' do it at work, when I'm not around, because he knows I know when his pupils are constricted.
However, he does not realize that 'people' he associates with tell me his 'up' moods... and I can hear it on the phone.
Well, just when I thought I was detatched, this whole, "im gonna get clean" deal, wrapped me right back to where I was.
I don't know what to do.
A little honesty.... I had a severe codie moment, but I just had to know.
I waited for him to start snoreing tonight, took the keys to his car, and got his briefcase out of the trunk... snuck it back inside and went through it.
That is where I found his 'new' empty bottle of pills............
(they obviously wern't there when he cleaned out his briefcase last week to 'get clean'.)
I asked myself, (when heading out the door on my detective mission at 1 a.m. what I wanted to find this information out for).
Peace of mind that I'm correct was really the reason.
Now I just don't know what to do with that info.
I'm just beside myself.
Do I confront him? No --- what good would that do?
Do I just take what I know now, and make a plan to move forward without him in my life.... (get my ducks in row, so to speak?)
I find it so hard to shut my mouth, when filled with this kind of hurt/anger/dissapointment.
I feel like I have been played, and I allowed it.
(however, i still vacillate between feeling played vs. believing in someone till they prove you wrong.)
I'm mostly sad for myself.
I'm sad that I believed for this long, and somehow, I thought he could do it. When he speaks, I hear sincerity.... I deep down, just wanted it all to work. It was easier, when I was in give up mode.... I felt myself just not careing anymore---- yet somehow, someway, his 'words' that he wanted things to be better roped me right back to where I started.
I feel Isolated and ashamed of myself.
I'm so devestated.
I don't really know what I'm asking here....... I just needed to talk to people who can help/or simply understand.
Love,
Cessy
