IPT - I've been reading over your threads and a LOT of what you've said matches my situation identically. From the bits of honesty, to the outer physical beauty sucking you in (mine could have passed for a model easily, which is how she latched me sad to say), etc.. it almost mimics my situation to a T. I guess the major difference is that your situation was spread out over years, whereas mine was short term. I still felt all the same abuse/neglect/love patterns. Once I realized that she seemed to be in the clear to move on (well, as much as an addict can be), and that I was suffering tremendously, I knew things had to end.
teke - I totally agree that she let things end because I couldn't accept her behavior. Oddly enough, even though our "first relationship" back in college wasn't really normal (great attraction for one another but never an item), it was a time when we were both non-addicts. I think this was part of the reason we both struggled with leaving, because we both knew each other when we were much more normal. And although her relationship was extremely volatile from what I know of it, my first relationship prior to her was as well, so basically we were both traumatized from those once we reconnected (her ex was a drug addict that sucked her into his world and ended up passing away, while mine was a rape victim). I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it, well I'm trying to I guess, that's why I'm here after all!!!
I think she knows she did me a favor by leaving (at least I hope so, I don't think my ego could take her not having real feelings for me). Once I actually started standing up for myself, I think she realized that I couldn't have drugs in my life anymore (I was a heavy user from 19-21.. I'm 29 now). I hit my own bottom with drugs, and stopped completely, only using once afterwards for "recreation" and realizing it wasn't something I wanted anymore.
I've gone to an NA meeting just to see what it was like. It wasn't really for me, but I can see the value in it for others. However, I think I could really benefit from Alanon meetings, and therapy. This whole experience made me suicidal for at least 6 months (I blamed myself and punished myself for the things that happened and her potential actions). Thank God I had really caring and powerful people in my life to guide me through that mess, but how crazy is that????
Luckily that part is over. While I will make every effort to avoid being inconsiderate of others' feelings.. I'm DONE blaming myself for others stupidity!
However, now the real work begins, which is a big part of why I'm here. I see the strength of many of the members here, that they've developed, and maybe through sharing my story, venting, and picking up some tips along the way, I can grow into a much wiser young man
Leznew - thank you for your suggestions. I really need to revisit these over the weekend. I've always been pretty bad with planning things and keeping my mind focused, as I almost definitely have ADD.
I can definitely say I workout pretty regularly - 3 days a week I lift weights, I get my nutrients on a daily basis, and when I'm furious or just too tired for weights but still having a rough day, I'll go for a run, jog, or spend some time hitting a heavy bag.
The spiritual side is something I am starting to get more in touch with and I know I really need to connect more with myself.
In terms of work and working hard, well, I kept a job through the entire debacle, and ever since then, so I'm actually going to reward myself by leaving and taking a month or two off and finding something else. Although the economy stinks, I have a bit saved up, and I'm pretty resourceful.