Why can't I just let go? Please help with suggestions!!

Old 09-15-2009, 07:20 PM
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Why can't I just let go? Please help with suggestions!!

I don't get it. How can I go from being at peace to being so hateful and resentful STILL?

I can't get over this at all. I am an utter mess. My entire selfworth has been in the toilet for nearly a year and a half.

Background: We broke up last May. Yes, 2008. We were together only 10 months but I knew her from years ago when she had a bf. We reconnected through a mutual friend, and it was kind of a whirlwind. Both excited to see each other again. Started hanging out. She asked me if I was single. She said she was "done" with her ex.

A little over a month later that same ex passed away from a drug overdose. I helped her with the fallout. I used every single ounce of my strength and happiness and goodwill to show her a better way to live and laughter and support.

She showed signs of problems early on but I ignored them because I was happy to see her. Throuugh the 10 months, she was often not answering calls but then acting like things were fine a few days later. But then I started to notice a pattern. She seemed to give off signs that she was using. She had told me she had had a problem but never told me she still had one. She started to give off all kinds of weird signals, and say things I'd never heard out of a woman's mouth, and display all kinds off odd or mean or neglectful behavior.

I wasn't sure what to make of it. Was she grieving or what? I never really found out.

I started to go crazy because she'd always bail or change plans or act strange, while other times she was super sweet, everybody loved her, and she'd always talk me up and listen and say that she loved me. It was hurting me terribly because I couldn't make sense of it all and I didn't know what she was up to. Doing something to hurt me, doing something to hurt herself? This went on for nearly 10 months.

She made it sound once or twice that she felt she was to blame for what happened, because she stopped taking his calls, which instantly shocked me to the core, as that would mean that I was responsible as well.

Sometime before the breakup, my grandfather passed away and I totally lost it. I snapped at her many times for all of her behavior and demanded, at the very least, explanations, as I couldn't support her any further while receiving so little in return.

Two short weeks later, after more lousy treatment, I broke it off, and never heard from her again.

My own fallout was terrible. I was on a 10 month adrenaline rush of worry and support, and then it was complete silence. I fell and fell hard. I had to process all of the insanity alone.

This past year and a half, I lost friends, started drinking heavily, family and work thought I was nuts, also lost my other grandfather when I was supposed to be on vacation overseas getting away from it all, and had so many terrible terrible thoughts running through my mind. Little by little I picked myself up and a few people started coming around again. I read and read and read, many websites and books, listened to people who cared, dropped the heavy daily drinking and turned back to working out and lifting weights with a friend, and did lots of little new things to try to move on, deal with things, and try to make sense of it all.

Unfortunately, this whole time I've been stuck. Stuck in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to get over it, that she needed my help, or that she might do something bad. Stuck thinking that I caused this mess. Stuck in limbo not knowing how to let go or move on. Stuck because I thought that if I contacted her that she'd be in pain again or reminded of the past.

Last week I saw her. Me, my sister, and her boyfriend went out to a nearby club to have a nice time.

I was outside, having a cigarette... that's when my ex walked inside with a man.

I started to panic and wanted to leave, but my sister and her boyfriend wouldn't take no for answer and insisted that I go inside and at least say hello to get over this irrational fear.

My sister's bf and my sister went up to her and offered to buy them a drink and chat for a bit. A few moments later, my ex and her bf bailed in a hurry. Before she bolted out the door, I called to her and she stopped for a moment. I said "I'm sorry" (no idea why, I was so good to her, but it was the first thing that came to mind), she gave me a hurt look, and just left. No hello, no goodbye, no nothing.

I've got several questions: Why do I feel so terrible, after all this time? Why am I placing all of my self worth in a relationship that was pointless? Why did she just run off? Why do I want an apology or sincerity from this girl, even though I know she's got serious issues, and I won't be getting one? Why do I still blame myself for what happened? Why do I feel so worthless and unable to meet someone of the opposite sex, after a year and a half of time to process everything?

Why can't I just let go?
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:39 PM
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Dude....I can relate, nearly 100%. Check out the book "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliot. It helped me a bunch. Not that I still don;t have my struggles, but I am moving forward.

My therapist told me that a lot of what I am feeling is due to my wrapping up my ego and self worth with her and her responses. Not sure why I picked her. Some girl I mearly spoke with the other day took it upon herself to leave her email on my windshield so it is not as if I don;t meet other women, but as nice as it was, I still for some reason want(ed) my ex. Not even sure what...an apology, an "I did care about you". Like you said we invested in them (poor choice on our part) and we want out little reward and payoff. Want that validation. Want that feeling that we are good enough (which if was the case they should have been able to see the "good life", the "healthy way" and even use our support to get there). Truth is a few times she did try to be more comitted and I was not even sure it was what I wanted.

Truth also is it doesn't matter how good we are or what we have to offer, this is internal for them. We could be God and it still would be up to them and have nothing to do with us.

I can say all that, cognitively recognize it, but I still struggle some. it's sad to me where she is in life. Angering to me what she did to me, what I allowed her to do. Still, it is what it is and nothing I am going to do or she is going to say is going to change it. I (we) need to learn from it and move on.

I have no concrete answer for you. It is tough, I also had 4 years invested so that was a lot of time I put in! Hang in there.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:52 PM
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hi, strong, welcome.

sorry you are hurting.maybe its time for you to do what you whatever you can to not allow yourself to think about her for awhile. i do understand how you must be feeling, my ah and i separated after 21yrs leaving me with so many questions about him, about me, and about us. it was so painful and the more i thought about him, the more confused and hurt i became. by the time if found this place, i was literally losing my sanity.

have you talked to a therapist, gone to alanon or naranon meetings? keep posting and reading.

i think because you could not except her behavior she may have gone to someone who will. its common for an addict to move from one enabler to the next. its not a personal thing, its just what addicts do. most addicts will do whatever it takes to be able to use their drugs without any resistance from others. i think one day you may realize she had done you a favor by leaving. it does get better but it will be a choice you have to make to get better. i'll keep you in my prayers
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:09 PM
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I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am in the process of the same thing. My wife is in recovery and we are about to get a divorce. The emotional side is the one you have to deal with. What I did was write on a page

Body-work out

Mind- work, read

soul- Lord

Sounds like an easy plan, and It is if you work it out. The thought of you did some thing is the wrong approach. Even if you guys did mind altering substances together. You are Individuals, and no Induviduals are the same. If she is an addict dont try to figure it out. IF YOU ARE NOT AN ADDICT YOU CANT SPEAK OR UNDERSTAND ADDICT. You are just a good guy who is caught up wondering why. Work on becoming the best person you can be. If you do this and be patient, she will come around in curiostiy. This may take some time, and may not happen at all. But I promise if you do become the best you can be, Who gives a !@#$ about her. You just switched up the whole game. Not only that but you will probably one day say I am too busy doing good things for myself, Other people will say man you are a Bad!@# I Want to hang out with this dude. If you work on being the best you can be, Life will be what you want it to be. Hindsight is 20/20, and today is the first day of the rest of your life. Plan your work, work your plan(write Out your plan of attack) short term, long term, accomplish this and you will be free one day. Good luck and kick A#$.
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Old 09-16-2009, 06:03 AM
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All the things she said to me are coming up to the surface now and they are so horrible.
I've left women in the past as soon as I found out about their drug addiction, or shortly thereafter, but I was so wrapped up in the insanity of that ex of hers dying, and her pleas for help and support, that I wasn't paying close enough attention and she didn't want to tell me directly because she needed that from me. I had a horrible childhood and I felt that if I had the right guidance, things could have turned out different so that's why I helped. I didn't want her to do something rash.

Why didn't I see it????

She used to sniffle a lot, so much that one of my pet names for her was sniffles.
"I have to go, I don't feel well, have your sister bring you home."
Spending far too long in the bathroom or shower "to freshen up" and then bursting into my room to have passionate sex... then crashing hard and leaving.
Paranoid at the smallest noise.
Running away from confrontation (exactly like she did in the club), instead of talking it out.
"Why is my sister's drug dealer calling me?"
"You can cheat on me if you want to, I'm used to it, p***y is p***y"
"Would you stop doing something for someone you love?"

What is wrong with me? How could I not put those things together? I mean, she didn't say them all at once, it was over a long period of time but still, what the hell was I thinking?

The night my grandfather died, I called and called. I needed someone to talk to. She didn't pick up. The following night I let her have it like I never let anyone have it before.

"You worthless *****. I've been there for you and you can't be there for me? You *&#$*&*&$... I need a good, supportive loving woman, who the **** are you??"

She cried like a baby, but I didn't feel sorry for her, and let her deal with the emotional fallout, but only for a night. I should have ended it right there and let her suffer forever. She was probably out scoring and snorting drugs, probably fellating 1000 guys and laughing at all the calls she was getting. God she is so sick!!! And I'm obviously sicker for letting this all happen and being so blind! I can never bring honor back to my grandfather.

The following day she said "I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, I am that supportive girl." At some other point she said "Don't call me ***** again." I wanted to KILL her for both comments. I wanted to destroy her for bringing shame to me, my grandfather and my family and not being there for me in my time of need. Like I was for her.

But I didn't. After another battle where I went with mostly facts about her behavior and what I needed, and what I had given her, I said "I need to get comfortable. I need to relax."

With the most honest face I'd ever seen on her, she said "When I get comfortable things go awry."

What does that even mean and why am I remembering all of this now?? I'm at work and I just want to cry. :wtf2
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Old 09-16-2009, 09:11 AM
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sorry, i think she is just being an addict. her behavior is kind of typical. try not to continue to beat yourself up. it is what it is. unless you are able to except that she is what she is and has done what she had done, it will take you much longer to be able to move on.

i know how you feel though. my ah of 23 yrs have say and done cruel things to me too. when my brother passed away, ,my ah looked at me a laughed. now that was painful but i had to look at it for what it was. i was rushed into emergency surgery, on my death bed, they thought and my dear ah chose to stay home and do drugs. he didn't even think to ask the paramedics what hospital they were taking me to. my kids had to find me in order to sign papers i needed that would allow them to try to save me.

i said all that to say, when in active mode, an addict is thinking only about getting high. its nothing personal for them, its just the way it is. maybe its time for you to find something you can focus on besides her and her behavior. reliving the past, will only cause you to feel worse. who knows the mind of an addict? i'm a recovering addict and i still couldn't figure out all the how's and why's of my ah's behavior. keep the focus on you and it will get better, i promise. you are in my prayers.
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Old 09-16-2009, 08:54 PM
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IPT - I've been reading over your threads and a LOT of what you've said matches my situation identically. From the bits of honesty, to the outer physical beauty sucking you in (mine could have passed for a model easily, which is how she latched me sad to say), etc.. it almost mimics my situation to a T. I guess the major difference is that your situation was spread out over years, whereas mine was short term. I still felt all the same abuse/neglect/love patterns. Once I realized that she seemed to be in the clear to move on (well, as much as an addict can be), and that I was suffering tremendously, I knew things had to end.

teke - I totally agree that she let things end because I couldn't accept her behavior. Oddly enough, even though our "first relationship" back in college wasn't really normal (great attraction for one another but never an item), it was a time when we were both non-addicts. I think this was part of the reason we both struggled with leaving, because we both knew each other when we were much more normal. And although her relationship was extremely volatile from what I know of it, my first relationship prior to her was as well, so basically we were both traumatized from those once we reconnected (her ex was a drug addict that sucked her into his world and ended up passing away, while mine was a rape victim). I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it, well I'm trying to I guess, that's why I'm here after all!!!

I think she knows she did me a favor by leaving (at least I hope so, I don't think my ego could take her not having real feelings for me). Once I actually started standing up for myself, I think she realized that I couldn't have drugs in my life anymore (I was a heavy user from 19-21.. I'm 29 now). I hit my own bottom with drugs, and stopped completely, only using once afterwards for "recreation" and realizing it wasn't something I wanted anymore.

I've gone to an NA meeting just to see what it was like. It wasn't really for me, but I can see the value in it for others. However, I think I could really benefit from Alanon meetings, and therapy. This whole experience made me suicidal for at least 6 months (I blamed myself and punished myself for the things that happened and her potential actions). Thank God I had really caring and powerful people in my life to guide me through that mess, but how crazy is that????

Luckily that part is over. While I will make every effort to avoid being inconsiderate of others' feelings.. I'm DONE blaming myself for others stupidity!

However, now the real work begins, which is a big part of why I'm here. I see the strength of many of the members here, that they've developed, and maybe through sharing my story, venting, and picking up some tips along the way, I can grow into a much wiser young man

Leznew - thank you for your suggestions. I really need to revisit these over the weekend. I've always been pretty bad with planning things and keeping my mind focused, as I almost definitely have ADD.

I can definitely say I workout pretty regularly - 3 days a week I lift weights, I get my nutrients on a daily basis, and when I'm furious or just too tired for weights but still having a rough day, I'll go for a run, jog, or spend some time hitting a heavy bag.

The spiritual side is something I am starting to get more in touch with and I know I really need to connect more with myself.

In terms of work and working hard, well, I kept a job through the entire debacle, and ever since then, so I'm actually going to reward myself by leaving and taking a month or two off and finding something else. Although the economy stinks, I have a bit saved up, and I'm pretty resourceful.
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Old 09-16-2009, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by keepstrong View Post
IPT - I've been reading over your threads and a LOT of what you've said matches my situation identically.

I think she knows she did me a favor by leaving (at least I hope so, I don't think my ego could take her not having real feelings for me).
Seems like we do have much in common and I am glad that you got out way faster than I did. Without a doubt I do believe that my ex did care about me, and that she ultimately left for me. There had been several times she left saying things like "I do not care about myself, but I do care about you and that is why I have decided this has to end", or "you trusted in me and now you are hurting and that is not right". It was me who always clung and held on (for the multiitude of reasons you've read about).

Working out is one of my saving graces. At least 5-6 times per week! Either lifting, biking, or hiking. It is such a great way of blowing off anger or extra energy...or even getting some energy.

This was the first time I was ever involved with someone like this. Sadly a lot of it had to do with business ventures, but also a whole bunch of my own underlying issues as well. Seems like you may have also had some other not so great relationships and some tough times too. I found therapy to be of some value for me. Honestly I have found this place at times as helpful, or more so depending on the time and situation but often I could then go to him and talk about realizations I've had that SR had brought to light. If you haven't thought about getting a little external support you should.

Also, that book I mentioned "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliot is really a lot more about learnign about you and how/why you ended up in a relationship like that in the first place. I found value in that book, you should check it out.



leznew - right on!
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:58 AM
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Thanks for your suggestions.

IPT, yeah I may end up going for external support when I'm ready. I'm still working through a lot of emotions. Since I saw her only a few weeks ago, it's become fresh and painful all over again.

Although it was good to stay away from relationships for this past year and do a lot of reading and soul searching, I've realized that I've been trapped in my thought processes and emotions, whether it be longing for parts of the past, or punishing myself for things outside of my control.

I came upon an advertisement for a book recently called "The Betrayal Bond". Picked it up on a whim. Although I've only read a few chapters, awareness and recovering, it's probably the hardest book I ever had to read, but it really brings to light why I've been the way I've been, why so many terrible things came into my life, and how to go about restructuring things in a healthy way.

I can't stress enough how hard it was to read everything, but working through pain to be able to live a better life, and never have to relive these things again is something that's worth working through!

Thanks to all listening so far, I'm sure I'll be posting again!
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:05 PM
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keep, that is awesome! Working thru this loss has been real hard for me. It helped me on some level appreciate why my ex was unable to actually get herself to work thru what she needed to too get where she wanted to be.

I do think at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, though the pain breaking thru may hit intensities higher than you are used to; once you get through it your overall level of pain will be significantly reduced!

There is that saying "anything worth having is worth working for". Nice job in tackling your issues on the quest to a happier life!

PS: When I was feeling overwhelemed with my emotions THAT is when I needed someone to talk too. They helped me recognize the root of it, and a better understanding of where it was actually coming from which made it a little easier to control and manage. Just something to think about.
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by IPT View Post
I do think at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, though the pain breaking thru may hit intensities higher than you are used to; once you get through it your overall level of pain will be significantly reduced!
My favorite analogy is ocean waves pounding the beach. If you've been to the ocean, do you remember the first time trying to walk or swim past them to reach calm water? They knocked me down so hard I did cartwheels.

My kids were young then, and I made them wear life jackets. They couldn't get past the waves either but watched how others did, while I sat freaked out on the sand watching them. Eventually they took off the life jackets because they couldn't get past the waves with them on, and then I really freaked out!

But they were fine. They both took a deep breath and went under the waves, coming up the other side. Just like that, they were in calm water.

I got up and walked to where the waves were breaking, then followed their example. It was so fast and easy, I just needed the know-how and courage. Couldn't believe I had been so afraid! Later I had a dream about it -- never turn your back on the waves or they'll take you down.
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Old 09-18-2009, 10:49 PM
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Hey Keepstrong....how's it going for you?
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