All the things she said to me are coming up to the surface now and they are so horrible.
I've left women in the past as soon as I found out about their drug addiction, or shortly thereafter, but I was so wrapped up in the insanity of that ex of hers dying, and her pleas for help and support, that I wasn't paying close enough attention and she didn't want to tell me directly because she needed that from me. I had a horrible childhood and I felt that if I had the right guidance, things could have turned out different so that's why I helped. I didn't want her to do something rash.
Why didn't I see it????
She used to sniffle a lot, so much that one of my pet names for her was sniffles.
"I have to go, I don't feel well, have your sister bring you home."
Spending far too long in the bathroom or shower "to freshen up" and then bursting into my room to have passionate sex... then crashing hard and leaving.
Paranoid at the smallest noise.
Running away from confrontation (exactly like she did in the club), instead of talking it out.
"Why is my sister's drug dealer calling me?"
"You can cheat on me if you want to, I'm used to it, p***y is p***y"
"Would you stop doing something for someone you love?"
What is wrong with me? How could I not put those things together? I mean, she didn't say them all at once, it was over a long period of time but still, what the hell was I thinking?
The night my grandfather died, I called and called. I needed someone to talk to. She didn't pick up. The following night I let her have it like I never let anyone have it before.
"You worthless *****. I've been there for you and you can't be there for me? You *&#$*&*&$... I need a good, supportive loving woman, who the **** are you??"
She cried like a baby, but I didn't feel sorry for her, and let her deal with the emotional fallout, but only for a night. I should have ended it right there and let her suffer forever. She was probably out scoring and snorting drugs, probably fellating 1000 guys and laughing at all the calls she was getting. God she is so sick!!! And I'm obviously sicker for letting this all happen and being so blind! I can never bring honor back to my grandfather.
The following day she said "I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, I am that supportive girl." At some other point she said "Don't call me ***** again." I wanted to KILL her for both comments. I wanted to destroy her for bringing shame to me, my grandfather and my family and not being there for me in my time of need. Like I was for her.
But I didn't. After another battle where I went with mostly facts about her behavior and what I needed, and what I had given her, I said "I need to get comfortable. I need to relax."
With the most honest face I'd ever seen on her, she said "When I get comfortable things go awry."
What does that even mean and why am I remembering all of this now?? I'm at work and I just want to cry. :wtf2