I don't get it. How can I go from being at peace to being so hateful and resentful STILL?
I can't get over this at all. I am an utter mess. My entire selfworth has been in the toilet for nearly a year and a half.
Background: We broke up last May. Yes, 2008. We were together only 10 months but I knew her from years ago when she had a bf. We reconnected through a mutual friend, and it was kind of a whirlwind. Both excited to see each other again. Started hanging out. She asked me if I was single. She said she was "done" with her ex.
A little over a month later that same ex passed away from a drug overdose. I helped her with the fallout. I used every single ounce of my strength and happiness and goodwill to show her a better way to live and laughter and support.
She showed signs of problems early on but I ignored them because I was happy to see her. Throuugh the 10 months, she was often not answering calls but then acting like things were fine a few days later. But then I started to notice a pattern. She seemed to give off signs that she was using. She had told me she had had a problem but never told me she still had one. She started to give off all kinds of weird signals, and say things I'd never heard out of a woman's mouth, and display all kinds off odd or mean or neglectful behavior.
I wasn't sure what to make of it. Was she grieving or what? I never really found out.
I started to go crazy because she'd always bail or change plans or act strange, while other times she was super sweet, everybody loved her, and she'd always talk me up and listen and say that she loved me. It was hurting me terribly because I couldn't make sense of it all and I didn't know what she was up to. Doing something to hurt me, doing something to hurt herself? This went on for nearly 10 months.
She made it sound once or twice that she felt she was to blame for what happened, because she stopped taking his calls, which instantly shocked me to the core, as that would mean that I was responsible as well.
Sometime before the breakup, my grandfather passed away and I totally lost it. I snapped at her many times for all of her behavior and demanded, at the very least, explanations, as I couldn't support her any further while receiving so little in return.
Two short weeks later, after more lousy treatment, I broke it off, and never heard from her again.
My own fallout was terrible. I was on a 10 month adrenaline rush of worry and support, and then it was complete silence. I fell and fell hard. I had to process all of the insanity alone.
This past year and a half, I lost friends, started drinking heavily, family and work thought I was nuts, also lost my other grandfather when I was supposed to be on vacation overseas getting away from it all, and had so many terrible terrible thoughts running through my mind. Little by little I picked myself up and a few people started coming around again. I read and read and read, many websites and books, listened to people who cared, dropped the heavy daily drinking and turned back to working out and lifting weights with a friend, and did lots of little new things to try to move on, deal with things, and try to make sense of it all.
Unfortunately, this whole time I've been stuck. Stuck in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to get over it, that she needed my help, or that she might do something bad. Stuck thinking that I caused this mess. Stuck in limbo not knowing how to let go or move on. Stuck because I thought that if I contacted her that she'd be in pain again or reminded of the past.
Last week I saw her. Me, my sister, and her boyfriend went out to a nearby club to have a nice time.
I was outside, having a cigarette... that's when my ex walked inside with a man.
I started to panic and wanted to leave, but my sister and her boyfriend wouldn't take no for answer and insisted that I go inside and at least say hello to get over this irrational fear.
My sister's bf and my sister went up to her and offered to buy them a drink and chat for a bit. A few moments later, my ex and her bf bailed in a hurry. Before she bolted out the door, I called to her and she stopped for a moment. I said "I'm sorry" (no idea why, I was so good to her, but it was the first thing that came to mind), she gave me a hurt look, and just left. No hello, no goodbye, no nothing.
I've got several questions: Why do I feel so terrible, after all this time? Why am I placing all of my self worth in a relationship that was pointless? Why did she just run off? Why do I want an apology or sincerity from this girl, even though I know she's got serious issues, and I won't be getting one? Why do I still blame myself for what happened? Why do I feel so worthless and unable to meet someone of the opposite sex, after a year and a half of time to process everything?
Why can't I just let go?