SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

09-15-2009, 06:42 AM

# 2 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Quote:

Originally Posted by 03fifteen

She says i can talk to her anytime. But i've never felt comfortable doing so. I have enough to deal with, and then she comes, and tells me all her problems, her health problems her self esteem issues, her problems with how she feels about dad. Its not stuff I really need to know.

Yeah, I hear you, 03fifteen. This is the same between me and both my parents. They just don't know how to be good parents. Either that, or they just don't know how to listen. My AF thinks that he's doing a GREAT job by ranting to me about all his problems (including all the things about mom that make him unhappy). I've learned from my parents that I'm never allowed to have any problems. I have literally sat in the middle of my parents' house crying in depression as a young adult, and never did either of them dare ask what was wrong. They don't want to know.

I don't know if this will apply to you, but I found reading about emotional incest very insightful into the relationship I had with my parents (more my dad than my mom). It hits bang-on the complete one-sided failure of boundaries between dysfunctional parents and their children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 03fifteen

I'm really only doing this myself. My family doesn't know about it. Some friends do. But its still difficult.

I think this is a wise course of action here. Don't tell your family. If they haven't been ready to acknowledge your perspective in all this time, mentioning a therapist isn't going to tip those scales. FWIW mentioning therapy to my family brought out the denial("what was so bad"... sedgeway into denial with irrational excuses) and the expectation that I was ready to come home again and resume my domestic duty as therapist. You are doing the right thing by doing it for yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 03fifteen

Sometimes I think about therapy, cause I know I've got a few different things going on. Old stuff that was never resolved cause i never talked to anyone, about anything. But I'm unsure of that too.

Once I found the right counsellor, therapy increased my progress by leaps and bounds. Because there are many old habits (even in your thinking) to break, some therapy to reinforce that your new habits are helping you really helped seal the recovery deal for me. Even among your friends, you are in this alone. There are very few people you can talk to who understand and know how to discuss it with you without reinforcing the negative thinking that keeps us stuck. FWIW a colleague once carelessly commented on my decision to move far (and incidentally from my family, which was really the point). They pointed out that I would be abandoning them, since it sounded like they relied on me so much. I went home and cried hard about it, but afterwards I reminded myself that this person just didn't know any better. Without the benefit of therapy, something like that would have been powerful enough to make me abandon my plans.