the past
im not really sure where to start with it.
My mom has always been sick. I think there was only one time where she wasn't sick. I wish she could be like that. I remember not to long ago feeling bad when I said "I don't really have a mother." But its true. She's always been sick. I've never felt particularly connected with her, like some mother / daughter relationships are where the mom knows somethings not right and the daughter can spill her guts out to her mom. I dont know relationships like that. Now that i'm older she treats me more like a friend. Someone to tell all her problems to. She says i can talk to her anytime. But i've never felt comfortable doing so. I have enough to deal with, and then she comes, and tells me all her problems, her health problems her self esteem issues, her problems with how she feels about dad. Its not stuff I really need to know.
Dad, as I remember it. When i was young and in school went to work before I woke up for school. and came home around bedtime. and worked overtime on weekends. So, not much time for us. I never did feel comfortable talking to him.
Although i never felt comfortable talking to anyone about anything personal. And i was horrible with accepting help. No one knew i was terrified of fire alarms. I didn't tell anyone until i was almost out of school. I didn't start opening up about anything till I got depressed. And that was with only a select few people. I was mad at my parents for not seeing it. They saw it but never said anything. I dont know why.
Looking at things now knowing about codependency, i see it a lot in my family. My mom, my dad, my sister, my ex, my uncle, my aunt. I just hope i can get past this, so that i can have a better future while i still can.
I'm really only doing this myself. My family doesn't know about it. Some friends do. But its still difficult. Sometimes I think about therapy, cause I know I've got a few different things going on. Old stuff that was never resolved cause i never talked to anyone, about anything. But I'm unsure of that too.
I think that's all I'll write for now. Please comment.
~03fifteen