Thank you everyone. I have millions of excuses, but really it boils down to I am scared. Scared to do it all by myself. Scared to say I failed at my marriage. As he gets worse and worse, I can't deny reality. My mind can't think this is going to go away. But my insides want it to be like it was.
Last night I gave him to God. I cried my eyes out while listening to worship music and prayed for him.
I came home from work (parents had the kids). Somehow he had made it home, but not by me. There was dirt all in the kitchen and a shovel in the backyard. He had buried beer and drank it.
There comes a time when I can't accept a little bit and deny the rest. I think I am seeing reality much much more, but I don't think I see it 100%.