.. to get to an alanon meeting tomorrow. I am planning on raiding their literature booth LOL
I am anxious because I think, if there is someone like me that talks, saying she/he misses x, y and z I will end up feeling the same way yet again, but whatever... I hope I can meet someone... I truly need someone in real life down here that understands how it feels.
I resisted the idea, because of my work, then by saying "I dont want anything to do with this, I dont need to spend another hour for this stupid ex, I'm done with everything"
But no, it took humility to learn that even if the person is out of my life I am still affected by alcoholism, abuse and day to day stress at the job and by daily triggers... many times I can disregard them but many times they bring me as down as ever.
I just hope this first year ends soon, around this time we were already breaking up, the rain reminds me of many sad instances and I just don't get how someone can move on like that and be oblivious to much hurt and destruction.. oh wait I get it.... he is an alcoholic.
It took me one year to understand al anon has nothing to do with him really and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME... I am tired of feeling so beat down.
Lately I have worked with ex more closely, him totally normal even making jokes and I feel at Day 1 once again... yesterday I almost lost it at work... but made an effort and distracted myself... went to buy shoes for a Halloween costume (I chose athena, the goddess of heroic endeavour!!)... but these last weeks have convinced me I need a program to lean on and can't do this alone... yup ... I accept my life is unmanageable once again...
I am reading the "language of letting go" for daily support
My therapist said I have a good life and a good "romantic project" and could not understand why I was feeling down..she told me to talk more with my dad... which I am already doing but I feel, maybe she has no experience with addictions... or maybe I did not express myself well.. so far she gave me great tools and reassurance.... and now AA/Alanoners understand me way more...
Yesterday a neighbor said I am a fighter and it make me feel good, she does not even know much about me but she could see that in me and it was not the first time I was told that... I wish I believed it myself!!!!!!!!
I thought ex had changed for the worse and I was stuck.
Now I am convinced the one who has radically changed this year is ME, for BETTER and he is exactly the same way he has been so far. No remorse whatsoever, no questioning of his acts, looking for fun and instant gratification, drinking drinking drinking and drinking more as if nothing ever happened. But I am glad I DO remember everything...
I still got anger issues by his horrible words and scars I carry after almost one year and his quick dismissal as "he did not remember because he was drunk"...
I get these constant reminders of how great his life is and I just want divine justice and revenge!! And I wonder if I will ever let this hurt go... they say "forgive and forget" well I cannot forgive, only HP can and forget? why would I want to forget all that stuff.. I do need to remember to keep my No Contact... if I act as if it was all a nightmare I will be there next week congratulating him for his birthday.... how can I forget just enough not to go back, and be able to live my life disregarding his words as total BS? I have a conflict with that...
I will tell you how the meeting goes...... I hope I can get someone's number because I don't think I'd be able to go back and lie again to the boss!!!!!!
Thanks for still being here... I am learning with you I can talk about the important stuff.... and I just cannot discuss any of these with my "normal" friends... one told me it was dumb to be hurt for things that happened "so long go" and to get over it, which makes me feel worse because I take it as saying the abuse did not matter and my feelings are not valid... so I hope you don't mind me lurking and posting threads again.. and I will talk to my friends about the weather and the new single of Shakira...
I find a lot of strength in all of you!!