Just lied to my boss...

Old 09-10-2009, 10:00 AM
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Post Just lied to my boss...

.. to get to an alanon meeting tomorrow. I am planning on raiding their literature booth LOL

I am anxious because I think, if there is someone like me that talks, saying she/he misses x, y and z I will end up feeling the same way yet again, but whatever... I hope I can meet someone... I truly need someone in real life down here that understands how it feels.

I resisted the idea, because of my work, then by saying "I dont want anything to do with this, I dont need to spend another hour for this stupid ex, I'm done with everything"

But no, it took humility to learn that even if the person is out of my life I am still affected by alcoholism, abuse and day to day stress at the job and by daily triggers... many times I can disregard them but many times they bring me as down as ever.

I just hope this first year ends soon, around this time we were already breaking up, the rain reminds me of many sad instances and I just don't get how someone can move on like that and be oblivious to much hurt and destruction.. oh wait I get it.... he is an alcoholic.

It took me one year to understand al anon has nothing to do with him really and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME... I am tired of feeling so beat down.

Lately I have worked with ex more closely, him totally normal even making jokes and I feel at Day 1 once again... yesterday I almost lost it at work... but made an effort and distracted myself... went to buy shoes for a Halloween costume (I chose athena, the goddess of heroic endeavour!!)... but these last weeks have convinced me I need a program to lean on and can't do this alone... yup ... I accept my life is unmanageable once again...

I am reading the "language of letting go" for daily support

My therapist said I have a good life and a good "romantic project" and could not understand why I was feeling down..she told me to talk more with my dad... which I am already doing but I feel, maybe she has no experience with addictions... or maybe I did not express myself well.. so far she gave me great tools and reassurance.... and now AA/Alanoners understand me way more...

Yesterday a neighbor said I am a fighter and it make me feel good, she does not even know much about me but she could see that in me and it was not the first time I was told that... I wish I believed it myself!!!!!!!!

I thought ex had changed for the worse and I was stuck.
Now I am convinced the one who has radically changed this year is ME, for BETTER and he is exactly the same way he has been so far. No remorse whatsoever, no questioning of his acts, looking for fun and instant gratification, drinking drinking drinking and drinking more as if nothing ever happened. But I am glad I DO remember everything...

I still got anger issues by his horrible words and scars I carry after almost one year and his quick dismissal as "he did not remember because he was drunk"... I get these constant reminders of how great his life is and I just want divine justice and revenge!! And I wonder if I will ever let this hurt go... they say "forgive and forget" well I cannot forgive, only HP can and forget? why would I want to forget all that stuff.. I do need to remember to keep my No Contact... if I act as if it was all a nightmare I will be there next week congratulating him for his birthday.... how can I forget just enough not to go back, and be able to live my life disregarding his words as total BS? I have a conflict with that...

I will tell you how the meeting goes...... I hope I can get someone's number because I don't think I'd be able to go back and lie again to the boss!!!!!!

Thanks for still being here... I am learning with you I can talk about the important stuff.... and I just cannot discuss any of these with my "normal" friends... one told me it was dumb to be hurt for things that happened "so long go" and to get over it, which makes me feel worse because I take it as saying the abuse did not matter and my feelings are not valid... so I hope you don't mind me lurking and posting threads again.. and I will talk to my friends about the weather and the new single of Shakira...

I find a lot of strength in all of you!!

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Old 09-10-2009, 10:12 AM
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Its funny, TC, I went to al-anon years and years ago and when the relationship with my ABF ended I stopped going because I didn't figure I needed it anymore. Now, 20 years later, I wonder where I would be today if I had kept going and worked the steps and gotten a handle on my codie behavior.

You wrote:
"It took me one year to understand al anon has nothing to do with him really and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME... "

That is the nutshell of it, isn't it? I am going to write this down on a sticky, put it on my bulletin board and repeat it as often as necessary.

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Old 09-10-2009, 10:28 AM
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And I put "goal is not a plan, hope is not a strategy" on my facebook, GREAT MOTTO

Hope has been my strategy.. no wonder I feel the same way over and over and over again...
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Old 09-10-2009, 10:30 AM
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Please let me know where I can find a white horse with wings for my costume??
http://picture-book.com/files/userim...94u/athena.jpg
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Old 09-10-2009, 10:33 AM
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LOL I got a plush owl in my cubicle that says class of 2005, I will wear it !! Athena is supposedly the goddess of wisdom, too.... sheesh. Oh it will look so cute on my arm... perhaps praying to this goddess will enlighten me a little????
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Old 09-10-2009, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
It took me one year to understand al anon has nothing to do with him really and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME...
FWIW, TC, the same is true of forgiveness. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Forgiving someone does not absolve them of wrongdoing. It doesn't condone or approve of anything. It releases you from your self-induced punishment. It really is just a form of acceptance. Of saying to yourself--what happened is done, nothing can change it.

Also, I don't believe in "forgive and forget." That would be like going to school and purposely forgetting what I learned. No way! Life's misery and suffering has a purpose. That purpose is to teach us something. If we forget, we have to take the lesson again.

So, you take the lesson and you move forward. And, at some point, you become grateful for the lesson because you know you won't have to learn it again.

L
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Old 09-10-2009, 12:35 PM
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My Gosh TC, I don't mean to ignore the meat of your post but as I was reading the part about your halloween costume, I was thinking "What is she thinking, Halloween costume? and why is she shopping for Halloween costumes this time of year?" I had to scroll up looking for the date of your post because I thought this must be an old post or something. Then I realized, it's almost the middle of SEPTEMBER! I feel like I've been asleep or something for months! See what stress does to you? Anyway, I thought this was funny so I thought I'd share.
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Old 09-10-2009, 12:42 PM
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LaTeeDa's post makes me think about my recent change in attitudes and beliefs about "forgiving."

Forgiving to me, now, means simply, letting go and really understanding that what someone else does has nothing to do with me. This releases me from my sadness from whatever the person did that hurt me.

Forgiving to me, now, means NOT that I forgive, but that I Let Go and Let God. I have released MYSELF from the responsibility of forgiveness of others, and give that to God (My Higher Power). It is God who determines what is RIGHT and what is WRONG and it is not up to me to define those things. When someone begs forgiveness from me, I can now tell them, it is not my place to forgive you, your behavior and your forgiveness are between YOU and YOUR HIGHER POWER.

Thinking this way IS SUCH A RELEASE from the HELL I have put myself through all my life.

Thanks everybody for sharing and for listening.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:15 PM
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L2L yes time flies!!

I guess I took the same "shortcut" forgiving is not our role, we are not judges or superiors to anybody else so we all will face God 1 on 1 and realize what we do to others we do to ourselves.... and how we have affected others, the good and the bad... so I kind of stopped trying to "forgive" in that sense!!

Somehow I need to take his careless jerk attitude and use it on my favor as in "thank god i woke up in time" but its so difficult, to have an abuser right there laughing "with me" totally oblivious... I am getting more comfortable labeling him as an alcoholic and an abuser.. at least that is who he is for me.

I guess I was on my own denial. These days its just difficult to imagine I can actually dettach when I got this constant exposure to him, to memories, to his new life, walking on eggshells afraid of running into him, but somehow I need to convince myself I did nothing wrong, I have no reason to be hiding or afraid... he cannot hurt me now... I am safe.

Sheesh these mourning stages and waves are a drag. I have been so angry these last days and I am just bottling up everything.

Active alcoholics just don't realize what they do others, I have never been so frustrated, and I was a software programmer so that is saying something!! can't wait to have my own place again and GET A LIFE for the 5th time... can't enroll in sports now as I do not know which gym will be close to my area... sheeshhhhhhhhhhh I am so frustrated right now.

Sorry for the vent and thanks all for being out there, if it weren't for you I'd be insane already
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:25 PM
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Yesterday I also realized, why this has been so hard on me... as I have moved many times, lived in other countries, etc and consider myself very flexible... and I realized my Achilles Heel is not feeling welcome..

ex made up all these stories and in the end he made me feel totally unwelcome...

his enabler friends kind of belittled me (or i just felt that, i feel that way when people do not ask anything about me kind of taking me for granted.. kind of not treating me as an equal... not that i really tried to befriend them either as they dont have qualities i admire)

my girlfriend's sister decides she wants to live alone and tells me to leave ASAP...

and now my landlord also needs me to leave ASAP...

So I need to make myself feel welcome in this city / the world............ sometimes I really nail it!! And sometimes I am just a mess (like today)...
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:11 PM
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Well I arranged a lot of stuff at work, left earlier, got a map, drove to the place, looked for a parking space for about half an hour, arrived to Al anon.... no one was there, the place is no longer being used.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated... time to look for another Al anon place... and lie once again

Arrived home, the owner of the apartment agreed on look for the needed docs. today.. meanwhile I overhear while the owners of that vacant apartment are showing it to other people

I just want to cry but I can't because the owner may arrive anytime with the papers....
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:21 PM
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I just hope God-HP takes me somewhere safe where I can continue healing..

There are 2 other apartments I have seen, more expensive than the current one... maybe I end up there....

I will bathe the cat.
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Old 09-13-2009, 02:18 PM
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justice

TC, I don't know if this will help you, but I was able to let go my need for justice when I realized what my ex owes he owes to "God/the universe" and what I am owed I am owed by "God/the universe". He doesn't owe me per se. When I look at it that way - The universe/God has given me so much more over the last year then he has gotten. I was really bitter about the money he took from me - but I have gotten raises etc and he has not so God gave me my money back!

I still don't get the forgiveness stuff though - I am trying LaTeeDa, but am just not getting it yet
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:11 PM
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Thanks gns!!

I also think a lot about LTD on forgiveness and anvilhead on boundaries... when you remember the bad things, and know you wouldn't put up with that... all the rest of what they do, blah blah is irrelevant...

You are right, I recall when I myself have hurt people, the one I have hurt most is myself, living a life much lower than what I can be... if we are all together in the end, hurting others is nothing compared as to how you hurt yourself with thoughts and actions...

Thanks for your post!! I was feeling really down but today I feel better
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