Originally Posted by
Cath1029 
I have been trying to work as hard as possible to keep my apartment. I am on a severe time crunch. It is exhausting to do this in combination with all of the above and staying sober, but these are the consequences I have to deal with. I feel like I've spent the last 3 years in a coma and am just now waking up and wondering what the hell happened. I have no idea who I am and don't recognize myself. A few close friends have said they miss the "old Cath," but I don't remember her.
Last night, one of the friends I met through AH and became close to called me high on crystal meth and was rambling and sounded psychotic. I ended up just hanging up the phone in the middle of it because it was too much for me to handle. I realize I have made these friends in the last 3 years that live a certain lifestyle that I once would have considered abnormal, but now is all too familiar. No wonder my lifelong friends can't relate to me anymore. I have done things in my recent life that I once never would have dreamed of. I miss having morals and values and sticking by them. I miss caring about myself and those around me. I miss having genuine friendships and not just being a user or life sucker.
I don't know anything about "AH" but I that quote up there from your post really rang a bell for me right now. I hear ya' on this one. I can relate entirely. Five or so years ago I had some close-knit friends who really cared about me and a girlfriend that knew me quite well and was always tough on making sure I was clean. This is back when I was still me. Slowly I gave them all up for the crowd I could "relate to" more, and of course with that came the drugs and the alcohol, in copious amounts. I lost, hurt, and even betrayed a lot of good people that I'll never have back in my life again. I spent the next four or so years of my life pretty much high/drunk and doing stupid and dangerous things with people who didn't really care about me or themselves.
And of course, none of those people are in my life now, as I'm making an effort to clean up. For addicts, you're either completely consumed by that lifestyle, or you're avoiding it like the plague. That whole "moderation, dabble here and there" ship has sailed for us. I try to remind myself of that when my phone rings or there's a knock on the door, or an Instant Message popping up. For many addicts, such as me, it's pretty easy to be lured back in. It is, in a way, a brand new life when you sober up after so long. It is unsettling and at first it is lonely. I'm there right now. But these are wake-up calls that we've put off and set up for ourselves, and we need to wake up. It shakes the very foundation of our lives and we need that. I'm just beginning sobriety again now and I'm in that now. It's that weight that hangs on you, if you don't pay attention you'll be drunk again before you even could decide. It's hard, it sucks, and it's worth it.