Cath1029

Two days sober and counting. Four hours to go until my meeting, and I find myself climbing the walls and unable to focus. Wish I could relax enough to read my new Big Book or something.

My AH owed me 40 dollars. When I picked it up from his mailbox, there was a note that said, "I love you, call me when you are better." I guess that was his way of letting me know there would be no support or compassion coming from him, but that when I had something to offer again I should let him know. I realize that I am as addicted to AH as I am to any drugs or alcohol, and the hardest part is going to be staying away if and when I am doing better and he starts coming around again. He is the most unhealthy thing in my life, far more than any substance, and leaves me feeling sick and diseased.

I have been trying to work as hard as possible to keep my apartment. I am on a severe time crunch. It is exhausting to do this in combination with all of the above and staying sober, but these are the consequences I have to deal with. I feel like I've spent the last 3 years in a coma and am just now waking up and wondering what the hell happened. I have no idea who I am and don't recognize myself. A few close friends have said they miss the "old Cath," but I don't remember her.

Last night, one of the friends I met through AH and became close to called me high on crystal meth and was rambling and sounded psychotic. I ended up just hanging up the phone in the middle of it because it was too much for me to handle. I realize I have made these friends in the last 3 years that live a certain lifestyle that I once would have considered abnormal, but now is all too familiar. No wonder my lifelong friends can't relate to me anymore. I have done things in my recent life that I once never would have dreamed of. I miss having morals and values and sticking by them. I miss caring about myself and those around me. I miss having genuine friendships and not just being a user or life sucker.

I hope you guys don't mind my ramblings here. I'm just trying to find a way to relax and maybe get some positive feedback to get me through. I don't like feeling all of these weird emotions at once and not being able to sort them out. I would pray, but can't calm down enough or figure out what to say.

Thanks.

tallcactus

Cath,
U R doing fine, keep posting, U will figure it out by writing how U feel.
Did U eat something? Did U shower yet, I know 4 me, shower's feel so good and they relax me? U gotta take care of yourself.
Share at the AA meeting, make a sober friend or 2.
Stay strong.

Cath1029

Thanks. It's been kind of a struggle to take care of those kinds of things. I can eat or sleep a tiny bit here and there, but nothing really substantial. I have to wait until I am extremely hungry or tired and then seize a little opportunity. I know I would feel better taking care of chores and daily living activities, just get kind of frozen up sometimes. Sometimes it's hard to remember just to breathe (lol). Coming here and writing does help though.

Anna

Cath,

The place you are right now, is very similar to how I felt. By the time I stopped drinking, my family had stepped away. Yes, they wanted their wife/mom back again, but they didn't want to be involved in any way. I realized that I had to do this for myself. I spent about 3 years of my life drinking, and I completely lost whatever self-esteem I had. When I began recovery, I had to start to rebuild my life with what I had left. I was surprised that many things I had believed about myself were not true. The journey began and continues today.

Emily2002

I agree with TallCactus... Take this time to do something good for yourself. A nice long shower always does wonders for me, too.

Perhaps you might consider that, reading and posting her for a while and then a nice long walk until your meeting?

You're on day three, and you have a plan. That's awesome in and of itself. Hang in there and check in after your meeting, if you can!

Hugs,

Liz

Pelican

I remember days when I was feeling so overwhelmed that I would forget to inhale! I literally would move through those frozen moments saying to myself: one foot in front of the other, inhale peace, exhale stress, one foot, two foot, inhale peace, exhale stress.....

It does get better!

I hope your meeting goes well this morning. Spend as much time today with people in recovery as you can. (AA & SR)

We survived our first days of sobriety by making a daily (sometimes hourly) plan. You have a plan for meetings, great! Now make a plan to eat some healthy food today. Make a plan to sit down and teach your body to eat. Pick an area of your cottage and make a plan to begin cleaning and organizing that one area. At this point, you're just going through the motions. Going through these motions of healthy choices: meetings, eating, showering, cleaning and even brushing your teeth will become healthy habits soon and you won't have to remind yourself to do these things. (Well, that's the goal anyway, but sometimes I have to remind myself to eat healthy)

Now a word of caution. I don't want to appear to be the lone ranger beating the dead horse, but I am aware of your back story with your AH. He is an energy stealer in your life. Everytime you stand up for yourself or start to get ahead, he brings you back down. It's a push me pull me relationship and it's not healthy for you, your daughter, or your sons. Find someone (Sponsor) that you can share with about your relationship. Ask them to help you keep your focus on your personal recovery the next time he tries to sweet talk his way back into your world of recovery. We can support you from our end, but we can't see his involvement until you share with us. Your sponsor may be able to tell just by your body language that he is hooking you again.

Today is a good day to be in recovery!
Peace and Hugs

Cath1029

Thank you. I realize my relationship with AH is as much of a disease as anything else. It causes me extreme stress when he calls me, but also when he doesn't call me, if that makes sense.

When he told me to call him when I am better, I realized that if I was really and truly getting better then the last thing I would do was call him.

I wish there was some kind of recovery program for that along with the substance abuse. I'm looking into counseling though. I miss him and am in a lot of pain, but I am in a lot of pain mostly because of my relationship with him in the first place.

Trying to hang on. The anxiety and depression are coming and going in waves this morning. I don't feel like I can make any calls right now, but feel good about writing here. Thanks again.

vegibean

Cath, I totally relate to all that you're going through with "him". Sounds a lot like my marriage was. Two years later and while I still go through all kinds of real emotional and mental hell with this guy, I'm SO GRATEFUL TO NOT BE MARRIED TO HIM ANY MORE!!!!!

If you do the work in the program and are able to follow suggestions you may find out that when this all over and said and done you'll look back and say to yourself "wow, what was I thinking???" I do that a lot!!! So I just deal with it one day at a time and just know that while it is all hard and painful it is way better than the way I was living before. :ghug3

tommyk

"I hope you guys don't mind my ramblings here. I'm just trying to find a way to relax and maybe get some positive feedback to get me through. I don't like feeling all of these weird emotions at once and not being able to sort them out. I would pray, but can't calm down enough or figure out what to say."

Keep coming here, keep posting here, keep reading here.

This place can be a valuable recovery tool.

Gain strength from this site.

Wolfchild

When i am tense, frustrated, irrated, etc., i talk things over with God. i have a conversation with him as a friend, as someone who works in the customer service dept., as someone who knows me better than i know myself. i let him know what i'm thinking and feeling about things, i give him my perspective on things, and ask for his help in understanding what is taking place (within me and on the outside). i used to go to my sponsor with this kind of stuff. His ability to listen, to help, and to guide helped me to develope trust & faith in God. i didn't understand God for a large part of my life because i depended on what people told me about him. Now i grow and learn because of a continuing willingness to surrender to a power greater than myself every day.

i hope you hang on and give yourself as many breaks as you can.
It does get better as we move forward in our recovery together.
Maybe you can share about these problems in the meeting today?

recycle

Cath, ramble-on please.
Things that break me out of that feeling: Walking, music, making marks on paper (kinda like drawing, but not really), juggling, a cup of tea.

coffeenut

Sobriety is the toughest gift you give yourself. Once you get past the early days, you really do start to 'see'. It takes awhile, it really does....but you'll never regret it.

I agree w/Pelican about the AH, too. Take it SLOW.

Welcome to SR.

Cath1029

I really can't breathe at the moment. AH just sent me a text that said, "Have a great day." As if he was off to live his wonderful life and I was some random person he happened to pass on the street. It really upset me.

On the one hand, I'm counting the minutes until the meeting, but part of me honestly just wants to go back to bed and forget the whole thing.

ETA: It is also very upsetting to me that AH and certain other people are sitting in judgment of me during this time when they are just as sick, if not sicker, than I am. They are telling me I need to get myself better when they really should be concentrating on themselves. I'm sorry if that sounds bad, it just really disturbs me.

Pelican

You don't have to apologize to us for your feelings. We welcome your feelings. It's a positive step in recovery to feel your genuine feelings. That is the healthy part of recovery - sharing your feelings instead of drowning them.

Kinda feel like a fish living in a glass bowl, right? Everyone watching you.

This too will pass! I promise!

This is something that may help you prepare for texts from AH...change his name on your phone (caller id) to something like "Manipulator" or "energy stealer" and that will remind you of what you are about to receive.

You are doing awesome! I am proud of you and all that you are doing for yourself.

Cath1029

Yeah, it's just tough to hear from a Percocet/Xanax addict and somebody else who drinks more than a pint of vodka a day how I really need to straighten out my life. I do feel like I'm in a glass bowl (lol).

I am trying to remember with each wave of anxiety/depression that it is going to pass and probably come back again later. Kind of like labor pains, I guess. There is a lot I need to get done today, but these attacks are leaving me frozen and eating up a lot of time.

And I don't want to feel it. I would rather drink or use something to make me numb again. I just have to keep hoping I will truly come out better on the other side.

I like the idea about the texts. I was thinking of changing it to "poison." LOL.

littlefish

A lot of alcoholics are also codependents/enablers. You might consider going to alanon meetings too. I haven't started going to alanon, but my sponsor in AA has helped me enormously in understanding my own behavior in relationship to my alcoholic family. I have three bros who are chronic alcoholics and the drama never stops.
Next week I'm starting with alanon after a year of AA.
good luck with your AA meeting!

Cath1029

Went to my meeting. I didn't get to share or anything because there were two speakers and they didn't open the meeting up. I said hello to a few people, but honestly I didn't have a real conversation with anyone and didn't feel well enough to attempt one. It was a good meeting though.

Then I come back to see that AH is posting all over Facebook about how great his life is now and how blessed he is and how much fun he is having. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I feel so badly about myself right now.

thirtybubba

Cath, my heart goes out to you.

I know it's not close to easy, but your AH is giving you lots of things to remember about him, besides the past. The note, the texts, the facebook. Remember that. I know the embaressment hurts, but try to use that pain to stay away. I liked what you said about if you were better, the last thing you'd do is contact him.

And I know too well knowing something and knowing something are different.

But what I really wanted to say was, I agree with TC's idea. Don't know how you life was under the influence, but the substances you mentioned are popular where I'm from, and "I know I would feel better taking care of chores and daily living activities" reminds me of a few high people. This is a time of change for you, maybe taking care/pampering yourself will give you more power to get through this time--do for yourself what your AH didn't, remind yourself you're strong. Not to abandon what you have to do, of course.

I know, it sucks, these first few days. I know far too well... and the emotions, yeah I could do without them too. Stay strong, and stay posting.

Cath1029

Took a nap and woke to another text from AH, "I hope you're doing all right."

I had wanted to accomplish so much more today; however, I have not drank or used, and I guess that is accomplishing something. I hate these feelings and having to feel them.

I am here alone in my cottage for however much longer I have it. AH is gone. None of my children are here. Just here alone with my own thoughts, which want to drag me way down right now. That's why I keep coming here, I guess. I've just never felt so alone before.

Praying it really does get better from here.

Cath1029

Just heard from AH's mother that he has left town for the weekend to attend a wedding that we both were supposed to go to. I guess she already thought I knew. I almost threw up.

I know there's a lot more talk about codependence in "Friends and Family," but oh God I am so codependent on AH that having lost him is like having my heart, lungs and guts ripped out. I have never felt pain like this. And this is on top of the addiction, depression and anxiety. I just want to drink until I drop to the floor.

I tried making a few AA calls, but no luck. I am utterly alone and so addicted to AH that it is making me physically ill from the withdrawal. Every minute feels like an hour, and I can't stand the waves of sadness and nervousness anymore. It is actually hard to breathe.