Lost
so a lot has been going on in my life lately. I come to grips with my addictions and its harder then I thought. I went to treatment about a year ago - I did everything I was supposed to do but I didn’t put my heart into it. ( hope that makes sense) as soon as I got out of treatment I started dating/living with a guy I met in treatment ( bad idea... ) we thought we could keep each other clean. no surprise that we were using in less then 2 weeks. we both feel deep into our addiction - but always joked that it was ok because we were the "cute junkie couple" looking back I see how sick that was. He was in and out of jail all the time and while he was locked up I cheated on him constantly. I didn’t think anything of it because it was "just sex" long story short I told him it was only once and lied about the rest. now 4 days ago I finally left him, moved 4 hours away back with my mom trying to get and stay clean for good. when he called last night and asked again about what really happen I confessed about everything. the pain I caused him is unreal. I can’t stop crying and all I was is a fix. so im going to a meeting tonight...my first one in a year and im terrified. I feel so ashamed about the things I have done. I want to move on in my life and get healthy but I can’t stop thinking about the pain I have caused my ex. I know it’s not healthy to dwell on it but I can’t help it. hopefully the meeting goes good...im nervous and scared to go though. sorry for rambling...just had to get it off my chest.